‘Happy Birthday Mummy’ my card read as I opened it in bed. I stared at the handmade card Greg had made. The words made the tears start welling up in my eyes. In so many ways I don’t feel like a Mum. I feel like my first shot at motherhood was dragged from beneath me just as I was getting ready for it. I woke up feeling just like I did every other year. I know I am a mother. I still find it hard to reconcile in my mind this journey I am on. I still find it hard to be ok with it all.
My mum took Greg and I out for a nourishing healthy lunch at one of my favourite cafes. We talk about family. About growing up. About how much I also miss my grandparents who have passed. About how my Grandpa taught me to garden, dream, play, always be curious. How my grandmother taught me how to sew, cook, play scrabble, nurture and care. They are having a good old time teaching Hamish these things I know for sure. He would be hanging with his Great Grandparents and learning so much.
Days like this remind me of how time is just an illusion. We go through life in a series of moments. Each of these moments add up to something to treasure. Everyday, not just birthdays are filled with memories to be cherished. It made me even more grateful for the future we have ahead of us. For our future children. For our own grandchildren. For what is now. For what is tomorrow and beyond.
Thank you Hamish for showing your Mum how much she is loved on her birthday. I asked you for a sign and I got a few today. First it was a white butterfly that fluttered around me so gently. Then I opened the balcony doors at home and asked you for another sign. An hour went by and nothing happened. Then I hear a young boys voice yell “Hamish, Hamish, Hamish” it is the kids playing in the backyard next door and one of them is named Hamish. For the next hour I hear little Oscar call out to his friend Hamish each time he wanted to show him something. Hearing your name gives me so much peace. I know you are with me. I know you are here.