I Am Still Born

Dear Mother,

I see you

I hear you

I feel you

I know your pain

You are stronger than you know

You will be pushed past what you thought your limits were

You will rise from this

Your baby is safe and loved

Angels are watching over them

Cry as much as you need to

Be still and feel every emotion on this rollercoaster ride

There are many women thinking of you right now

Women who have felt a pain just like yours

We send you our love and light as you walk on this path

It was never meant to be this way

I wish I could change it for you

Know that all you can do now is surrender

Receive the love that surrounds you

I wish you nothing but love on your healing journey

 

x

 

J

 

 

I am a father.

Five months have passed since my son Hamish Joseph Matthews passed away on Sunday 10th of September 2017 at 6:14pm. A date and time I’ll never forget in a million years. I write this now as I fly to Canberra on Tuesday the 6th of February. It was a flight to Canberra on the 6th of July I wrote my words of advice to you Hamish about the person of whom you were to become.

The letter I wrote was supposed to be given to you when you had grown up to make sure that you became the person you want to be. Not to let others change you, it was for you to know you can become the man you want to be.

It was part of my life experience of trying to find my true self and not let others define me in any shape or form. Little did I know or imagine that back in July I would be writing this about my son five months later who is no longer with me. Little did I know I would be reading out the letter at your funeral two months later.

My little buddy, I had dreamed of you for nine months wondering what you would look like. Who
you would become as you grew up and everything that you can imagine. I’ve never been so happy in my life to know I’m going to finally be a daddy to you.

I just imagined turning up to the hospital once you were born with every football sports code of footballs, strips, mini boots and taking a photo with you saying “take your pick son!!” I have your first football, NRL and AFL ball at home still in your room wishing you could play with them.

You never admit when you are younger that you want kids but I’ve always known I’d love to be a dad. I wanted to give all the love in the world to one little person and for them to grasp life and achieve anything they wanted. I wanted you to believe that anything is possible and not to think you can’t do something because someone tells you that you can’t.
Hamish I’ve learnt a lot over these five months. The initial shock to the system of the news at 5pm on a Saturday night that my son had died. Looking at your mum crawl up into a ball of pain crying out “Why? Why has this happened to us? Why has this happened to me? Why did we have to lose our precious Hamish?” in which I’ll never get the image out of my head. Everyday I think of that image.

I’m standing in front of your mum helpless to do anything to take away this pain. If I could show this image to people I would. The ones who don’t get what happened. Try having this repeat in your head over and over of the only person you’ve loved more than the world apart from you my son in pain and agony, scared and she doesn’t know what to do now. My guess is people wouldn’t want it. They wouldn’t want to see or feel that pain. I can’t blame them but if someone doesn’t get it gee I wish I could turn that image on for them sometimes.

It’s just frustrating little things now in life if someone says something to you that’s insensitive or something normal you will question every way possible what the fuck do they mean. I’ve had people tell me their opinion views or in fact not bring up the subject of you Hamish.

I’m happy to discuss with people about stillborn babies and share my experiences, the fear, the pain, the loss and anger. You just want to educate and help people and let them know that it’s ok to talk about loss and death in life. I’ll acknowledge my son on his birthday, my birthday, his mum’s birthday, my sister’s birthday, brothers and sister in laws and grandparents, friends, every Christmas you name it Hamish will be there on every occasion.

My son is telling me do something with my life. I’d do anything I have him in my arms but I can’t and I can’t explain why not but I’ll find out one day. Hamish my note to you is that I’m in a good place mentally. I still have my bad days but I think of you and it makes me want to take each day as a blessing and make something of this new life.

I love you more than anything my son

Daddy xxx

Today was my first meditation at home. I needed to make sure my bedroom was clean before I started. I bought a gorgeous meditation pillow to sit on from tree of life and set up my little area. I had Hamish’s urn next to me. I felt so much peace during this meditation. It took me a while to settle in and find my stillness. When I got there I felt a calm come over me. I realised how grateful I am for everything around me. Coming home after three weeks traveling has made me even more grateful. The grass is greener. My bed is even more cosy. My apartment feels like a warm hot chocolate on a cold night. Being home feels like a warm hug from a loved one. I think mainly as Hamish’s ashes are here. This was the second home he had. We moved in when I was 35 weeks along. I am also pretty sure his soul left my body here. It is where his ashes now lay.

I can feel his presence in spirit around me. I know he wants me to live my best life. By best life I mean to follow my heart. To listen to that intuitive nudge when it comes to making decisions. To spend each day on this earth doing something that makes me burst with happiness. To be of service the best way I know how. I intend to use my souls purpose to help others own their worth. Through speaking, coaching and my writing.

I want women especially to know their worth. To not give away their power to another person or object. For them to be fully in their own power and to know that another person just compliments that. That no amount of money or stuff will free them. True freedom is being yourself always. Being able to freely express who you are. To have enough security, shelter and food to cover your basic needs. To be able to give freely to others without expectation of something in return. To be able to receive love and gratitude from others. To be whole and connected to the earth, universe or your god.

Hamish help me live a fearless life as my true self.

Greg arrived yesterday so we had one more night together in Bryon before driving home. We woke up early and walked down to the beach. We walked to the end of the beach and then sat and meditated on the sand. What was beautiful about this is Greg’s willingness to give it a go. I know it was hard for him to sit still but he did his best. We then got a coffee and chai from this beautiful beach café. A lady who ordered before us sat down next to me with her cute little boy in her arms. He looked about the same age as Hamish would be. I asked ‘How old is your little one?’ ‘Oh just five months today’ she replied. My heart sank but also felt joy for this little boys life as he would have been born only a few days before Hamish. The mum then told me ‘he was born premature and very small. He has put on five kilos and much healthier now’. I just reply ‘that is so reassuring’. I didn’t share my story with her. I just felt lost with words. I have this social anxiety now that comes over me. It is more about me worrying about what people think if I tell them.

I seriously feel awkward bumping into people I know if I haven’t seen them since Hamish left. I ran into an old work friend from New Zealand of all places last week. She asked where my baby was. I spent some time in the office in Auckland when I was five months pregnant. My eyes and head dropped. I don’t know what to say other than he died. My little Hamish died. He isn’t with us physically anymore. Now I am emotionally and mentally accepting of his passing. It is still hard though to tell people. It is still hard to walk down the street and have someone come up and ask where my baby is? I wish I could say he is at home and someone is looking after him. I know Hamish came here to make me stronger and I am doing my best each day to honour that.

Hamish why did you have to go so soon???

Today is the last day of the course. I have had such an amazing week of love and growth. I have found inner stillness in my mind. I have been able to slow my thoughts down. Sit still and be totally at home with myself. I have made some beautiful new friends and also been on many journeys through my meditations. I have struggled to sit for the longer meditations. I have overcome the feelings of restlessness. I have made a commitment to myself to live a more sattvic lifestyle. I have made a commitment to myself to live from love not fear. Something Swami P said to me this week really stuck. We all have fears. All of those fears lead to one thing. That is death. This is inbuilt but I think we really need to reassess our fears. As what is the worst that can really happen. We all have a specific amount of days here on this earth and we can choose how we live this life.

I went into a deep meditation quite quickly today after counting every outbreath. I was staring into blank space with very few thoughts. I could hear the rain pouring down on the tin roof above us. It didn’t distract me though it actually kept me in my meditative state. I felt like I should take a chance and run some meditation and mindfulness classes for others. I know I want to share this gift. Another thought that came through all the blank space was that I need to make my face to face workshop into an online one. These thoughts pop up sometimes in the blank space. It honestly feels like my brain is rewiring itself every time I sit in meditation. I feel immense gratitude also for my week of learning.  

 

Hamish I keep thinking I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you. I wouldn’t be on this path. I wouldn’t be sitting in Byron Bay learning how to meditate. I wouldn’t be questioning my life and everything in it. I don’t know how motherhood would have looked like with you still here. All I can say though is that I have so much gratitude for your little soul. Thank you for blessing me with you presence. I know it was only for nine months but as your mother I will cherish that memory forever. 

Today we focused our meditations on LOVE. We did a visualisation meditation where we sent love to particular people in our lives including ourselves. We chose people we hold dearly, one person we may of had difficulties with and another an distant acquaintance. Someone you may of never even spoken to but you cross paths with.

I felt an open heart with this meditation. I gave so much love to myself and embraced where I have come from and how I grew up. I gave love to my family and friends. I gave love to my neighbour from downstairs who always looks stressed. I gave love to one of my old bosses. I know all we want is love. All everyone wants is to be loved.  

Hamish I will always love you. I hope you can feel the love I have for you. 

I dived into this course with a very open mind. I was ready to learn whatever came my way. Our teacher Swami Pujan or ‘Swami P’ as we liked to call him is very wise. We all carry this inner wisdom in us. I do ponder why sometimes we are afraid to let it all out. I have been present this week and just feeling all that I can. For the next few days I want to share my notes after each meditation. Today we meditated on the energy of the super, blue and red moon. One of the meditations was an hour long where we asked ourselves the question WHO AM I?

I went on a long journey with this meditation. The first thing that came to me after asking the question was that I am a mother and love. Those two words bubbled up to the surface and kept coming up. I felt so much joy and gratitude radiating from my heart chakra. I saw myself holding a child and throwing him into the air and then catching him in my arms. I then felt like I was in a circle of women holding space for them. Then my book came and tapped me on the shoulder. I heard Elton’s Johns ‘Circle of Life’ in my ears from movie ‘The Lion King’. I think it means I should call my book ‘The Circle of Life’ or something along those terms. I then see Greg and myself travelling through different countries and getting to know new cultures. I wake up with Swami P closing our meditation in a state of Bliss.

I love you Hamish.

I feel like I am really in the vortex today. I feel like today has been one of the longest days it almost feels like it could be a couple of days in one. I got my moon cycle when I woke up on the full moon this morning. I must be in sync with her energy. Life is as long or as short as you believe it is. Time is an illusion for the most part. That is until your 45 minutes into a meditation and one of your legs goes numb and the other one has pain in it. Then each minute seems like it lasts a lifetime. I meditated five times today. Once on the beach at sunrise. Once walking around the garden in the sun. Once sitting in the shade on the grass. Another sitting and counting my breathe. And finally the last one was staring into a candle to open up my third eye. Now I’m getting ready to sleep with the super moons energy beaming down.

I feel strange today. Like I am ready to let go of a lot of things. To move into a life of alignment. To not be afraid of the feminine rising in me. To bring the shakti energy into my being. I have been using some alchemical goddess oils and mists each morning with mantras. Little did I know I was awakening the kundalini energy inside of me. So much clarity today on what has been happening. I just thought I was trying to heal my sacral chakra. I must of been called to bring this energy into my body after Hamish left. I am going to continue my journey to explore this kundalini rising.

Hamish I think of you as I feel the moons energy beaming down on me tonight. I wish you peace love and happiness wherever your spirit may be.

I connected with nature today in a walking meditation. I walked across grass and rocks in both the sunshine and the rain. I felt the earth supporting me in each step that I took. We used our beads and a mantra ‘Om Shanti’ throughout the walking meditation. I found after so many hours of sitting I really like this style of meditation. We pondered the reason today of why we meditate. It isn’t a form of therapy. It’s more a practice in concentration and the ability to slow down thoughts and the busyness of our minds. For me it helps bring clarity. It helps me tune into my heart and intuition. It helps ground me as I can easily get into that go getter mentality. It’s a lot easier to slow down your thoughts and make more balanced decisions. I’ve found this when I’ve been off from work I have had so much more time to think more clearly.

What is also important is how much you meditate. It’s better to meditate each day for a shorter time rather than long ones once a week. This will be a challenge for me when I leave here to meditate daily. I intend to be able to bring this into my daily routine. I also intend to share with others what I have learned. The power of presence is very strong. It allows space in our minds. It allows us to be here now. It allows us to experience the world more peacefully. Less judgement of others and ourselves. I feel content today. I feel like I am on the right path. I don’t need to know what the future holds to be happy. I can live each day and take each moment as it is. I can be with my feelings and acknowledge them. I can see that their are forces way beyond myself that control our universe. I can be an active participant of my life without writing out where the next months, years or decades will go. That is the magic of life we don’t know how it will unfold. Just when you think things are calm or ‘perfect’ the universe will have other plans.

Hamish thank you for making me more resilient and helping me surrender to life. Thank you for helping me appreciate the joy in each day no matter what it is like.

We have all we need within. This is the message I see and hear often. What does it mean? Does it mean we should practice non attachment? Non attachment to material objects and people. To places we may live or visit. To anything that is not within us. Desires come from wants. Wants come from something missing. Do we always want for something. Or can we be content with what we already have.

This is hard for me as there are things that I ‘desire’. I desire to live a healthy life and family. I ‘desire’ adventurous experiences in my life. I ‘desire’ rich relationships. What if everything I desire I already have. What if I am living a life of awareness. I know for sure that I can get caught up in the comparison game and also decide I want to upgrade my life with this or that. Namely a bigger car. Or a house by the beach. Or a IPhone X. This stuff won’t fulfil me. This stuff will give me a buzz for a fleeting moment. It won’t last though. I will be on to the next thing before I know it. These are my thoughts today.

I know I want to live a minimalistic lifestyle and have less attachment. Coming away from my normal everyday life helps me practice this. We are we so attached to everything. I think part of it is conditioning. And our cells for generations have been attached to stuff. I wonder if one thousand years ago people had this problem. Is it a 20th century problem? Is it all just an illusion?

P.S I meditated for four hours today. That is all.

I love you Hamish