I Am Still Born

Connection with others makes my heart sing. Being around the people that I love makes me so happy. Bouncing ideas off them, pondering life together, asking the big questions and lots of laughter. I had a day and night full of this. I went out for coffee with a soul sister in the afternoon. It was nice to feel supported and also hear about her own business and how it is thriving. I then had my sister and cousin over for dinner. I love cooking and I made us a yummy veggie Dahl with rice. Meals like this are the best when it is cold and rainy outside. It was nice to chat to them both and hear about what has been their hearts these past few days and weeks. My sister Dani is an artist who translates mother nature into beautiful art. One of her latest obsessions and projects has been following the friendly cockatoos that visit her balcony daily. She even admitted she is becoming a crazy bird lady. You can find her on instagram over here. I love how she captures their cheeky nature each day. One of her videos has had over twenty thousand views! My cousin Caitlin is working toward becoming a registered nurse after working in fashion and media industry the past few years and completing her comms degree she decided these industries wernt for her. She wanted to be doing more with her days and she loved the thought of becoming a nurse and maybe even a midwife. Caitlin has a very caring nature and I know she will make an amazing nurse. Her patients will be kept smiling always. I am inspired by both of their courage to step into new things and discover what really lights them up.

Hamish I hope you are finding love where you are. I don’t know if time exists there but however you travel through moments I hope you are finding joy. 

I believe in love. I believe just like water, food and air it is something we can’t live without. Whether it is love from a family member, a partner, a child or yourself. The more we cultivate loving kindness towards ourself and others the happier we can become. I have been loving myself more lately. It is something that doesn’t come that naturally. I have to cultivate it. I have to quieten down my inner critic. I have been keeping active and looking after my health more these past few weeks. I have been putting my wellbeing first when it comes to planning my schedule. Today I had an aerial yoga class and then a peaceful afternoon recording meditations, writing and expressing myself. I feel so much love each day and I hope I can share that in all the work I do. I believe in choosing love before fear everyday. I know fear will still rear its ugly head from time to time. Sometimes to keep me safe but most of the time it will hold me back from doing things that I really want to do. I am going to make an effort this week to not allow fear from stopping me from doing anything my mind/heart/soul wants me to do. I will report back and let you know how this new approach to life goes.

I love you my boy. Keep sending me your love and courage from above. 

Today is Mia’s first birthday. I am thinking of her and wishing her a beautiful angel birthday. I know it won’t be long until it is Hamish’s first angel birthday. Just over three months until he would have been one. I know with all my heart and soul that it just wasn’t his time. He had other duties for his spirit to fulfil. It hurts knowing we were so close to meeting him though. I will always be grateful that we meet him and held him for the days after his birth.

The time we spent with him was so precious. Particularly the hours after his birth. He came out warm and looking like he was sleeping. He had a few lines over his body where the cord was wrapped tight but other than that he looked perfect. His button nose, plump lips, full head of hair, long legs, delicate little hands and feet. He weighed just under three kilos. I remember holding his body on mine and looking down at him in awe of his perfection. I couldn’t believe Greg and I had our first precious son. There was so much love in the room. My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest. Greg and I both reminisce about the moments after his birth.

There is something so special about holding your child for the first time outside of your womb. Even though his heart had stopped I could feel his presence in the room. I knew he was going to be our little guardian angel for life. There was so much peace in knowing he was up there with his Grandma. Before this moment I had never thought too much about where our spirits go after death. I grew up in a Christian family and believed there was a heaven. I was now very curious to what else could be out there. I knew after Hamish died this would be something I would need to explore deeply for my own peace of mind.

Hamish I love you so much 

Today we celebrated my lovely friends daughter Mia’s first angel birthday. I wrote this poem for them.

 

Mia Mia Ballerina

It’s been one year since your earthly presence

You came to bless your parents

You sent them so much love

You came to show them how strong they are

You came to dance through their lives forever

 

Mia Mia Ballerina

You are one of a kind

I know you feel the love from your parents

For they have shown it each day since you left

Caring for so many

Being a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on

The terrible jokes your daddy makes

They put a smile on many a face

The nurturing care your mother gives

So freely to those who are in need

 

Mia Mia Ballerina

Your pretty face is captured in time

A beautiful painting on the wall

You will be remembered

We have been blessed to meet your spirit

 

Mia Mia Ballerina

Your mummy and daddy will celebrate you

They will live in your honour

They will share your love with all

While many tears will still be shed

Memories of  you will be cherished always

Moments with you never forgotten

 

We sat around the campfire under the stars and I read the poem out. I could feel so much love emanating from everyone in the circle. It was a special day and night. I know Hamish and Mia would have been up there having their own party.

 

Self care is so important to me now. I always thought if I had time to do something nice once in a while like go for a massage it was a special treat. Now I schedule time for self care in each day and week. It may not always be a massage it could be as simple as having some time to mix some essential oils up to make a moisturiser for my body, sit and read a good book for a couple of hours, have an extra long shower or a sleep in. Today I went to yoga in the morning and then we had a couples massage booked in. It was so nice. I was so grateful that we could go together and be treated to a relaxing hour of bliss.

We then had a seafood feast at our friends place. I am so grateful for the meal and love we have from our friends. I am grateful for everyone that has cooked for us, sent us love and prayers, thought of us, sent a card or a message. I have never felt so much love in my life since having Hamish. It made me realise something I had been holding on to from childhood. The belief that you have to give something in order to get something in return. I know this isn’t true for me anymore. I know that it doesn’t always have to be a two way transaction. You can give freely to others without expectation of anything in return. You can also receive in the same way. I was always good at giving but not so much at receiving.

I love you Hamish. Thank you for teaching me how to receive with grace. 

It’s the first day of winter. It is freezing here. The journalist turned up at 10am for our interview. He sat me down and said before we begin I should let you know I also had a stillborn child, a little girl 28 years ago. He said I can only begin to imagine what you have been through these past nine months. I looked at him sitting across from me. Thinking this is so surreal. It almost felt like his daughter had sent him to cover our story.

I do believe we are put where we are meant to be each day. I told the journalist about my warm treasured memories being pregnant with Hamish. About how Hamish has brought so much joy into my life. I spoke about his delivery and our physical goodbye. I told him about all the rivers I have cried. I showed him Hamish in his final outfit. A baby Pride of Scotland kilt. He went out in style in his woollen nest. The letters, bunnies, photos and the thistle that went with him. It was easy talking about my beautiful son. About how he is my biggest inspiration, how he helped me write the book on navigating through baby loss. How he guided me to believe in my writing and share my grief.

There is so much power in spirit. In those who are no longer with us physically. Who are still watching over us each day. I couldn’t help but stare at Hamish’s photo today. He was a sleeping beauty. A little ray of sunshine that will continue to shine through my life. I looked up as I was thinking of him after the journalist left. A rainbow appeared in the middle of the sky. Unlike any rainbow I have seen before. It was like I was near the pot of gold. The rainbow went straight through the middle of the sky in a straight line in-front of me. It quickly faded. I know signs like these may be little like Hamish saying hello. I will notice them. I will open my heart daily knowing I will be blessed by him.

Hamish you are my hero. Thank you for allowing me to be brave today.

I am feeling some fear today come up around my business. What if I don’t succeed? What happens if I fail? What if I look silly? What if I am not enough? All these things are going through my mind. One day I am full steam ahead and feeling so motivated the next day I feel a little lost. I have surrounded myself with amazing mentors, coaches and entrepreneurs. I think this is sometimes part of the problem. I compare myself way too much to other people who have been doing this longer or have fine tuned their video skills or podcasting voice. I know I have a unique voice to share with the world. I know I am not just another money coach. I am so much more than that. I know I can succeed at anything I put my mind to. I am so scared of failure though. The truth is, I stepped into accounting at a young age because it was a stable career not because I loved it. It is taking a while to get used to having my own business. To not have a regular income coming in. I know that many people are successfully self employed by their own businesses and they do very well. I guess as I am at the bottom of the mountain it feels like a huge way to the top. I will keep hiking up that mountain each day towards the peak. I know it will mean that I have to step outside of my comfort zone. I will have to be brave. I will have to take risks and climb some parts. My strategy for today is to think of small actions I can do that will add maximum value to my potential clients. I think about how I have blogged the past 263 days. I know once I put my mind to something I can do it. I need to bring this determination to my business each day.

Hamish please keep sending your love and support from up above. I know you are there for me when I need you. 

 

The full moon has arrived and I am feeling it’s energy. We went to my sisters place for dinner. It was a very chilled out night. I decided to do a gratitude meditation for us. I brought my singing bowl and played it and took us through a guided visualisation of gratitude for three past moments in our lives. I have recorded it here for you to listen to if you want to give it a go.

It made me feel so wonderful. It reminded me of all the love that surrounds me. Sometimes I get caught up in looking ahead and forgetting all that I have already. I find this a great meditation to do in the morning or before bed as it brings you into your heart space and allows you to burst with love. I guarantee you will feel lighter and more grateful after listening. Oh and if you listen please let me know what you think? I love doing these so would love to record more.

Hamish I love you so much. I am grateful for you everyday. 

On Saturday morning we went to the Mind Body Spirit festival in the city. I had a friend going on Friday and I was almost going to change my plans to go with her. Instead Greg insisted he wanted to go along too so we went together on the weekend. Within five minutes of entering the festival we found ourselves at a booth for a UK clairvoyant Helen Parry Jones. I don’t know why we were drawn to speak with her as we walked past but I felt like it was a good idea. She very quickly touched my arm and looked up at me and said a baby is on its way very soon to you. Then she goes NOW the baby is coming NOW. I just chuckled and said ‘I hope so’. She then looked across at Greg and told him his mother Doreen is coming through to her. She said your mum wants you to know she is ok. She has forgiven herself and she isn’t angry anymore. Please know she wants you to forgive yourself too as there was nothing else you could have done. She said she saw Greg’s mother holding her chest in pain. Doreen sadly passed away eight years ago from a heart attack. She also said a few other interesting things about our life that I was surprised she knew. She mentioned that Doreen was holding Hamish and she knew now how important it was that she had crossed over to be there for him. She also said that Hamish has been comforting her. There I am in tears just trying to pull myself together in the middle of hundreds of people at this festival. It was quite a surreal moment. We got a couple of her books that Helen has written and went along our way. Greg said he could leave the festival now. His day was made. Just hearing that his mum is around him made him feel at peace.

Hamish I love you. I have been reminded each day that we end up exactly where we need to be. There is fate, there is chance, there is intention and above all there is magic in this universe. 

Today I woke up feeling grateful for all that I have. My comfy bed I have to sleep in, my apartment that keeps me warm, my loving husband next to me. I have an abundance of all that I need in this moment. Anything else that I receive is like a cherry on top. I walked with Greg to the station this morning. On this walk we are usually busy chatting away. Today I took more notice of the pretty houses and autumn leaves falling from the trees. The sounds of the birds as we walked through our neighbourhood. As I kissed Greg goodbye I was feeling great that we could both have such a lovely start to our day. I then came home and had some breakfast. Followed by a twenty minute guided meditation on bringing more abundance into my life. I am going to do this meditation daily for the next week and see what changes I see and feel. I am feeling a big shift since our energy clearing and physical declutter. I am ready to bring opportunities towards me for my new business. I am ready to help others live a more meaningful life. I want to encourage others to have more financial wellbeing and own their worth. I know this is something I need to embody everyday to allow it to be shared.

Hamish I love you