Am I a mother?
Why is this my life?
I know I shouldn’t entertain the victim mentality but sometimes it’s hard not to. Today I felt like crap. I don’t know if it’s the lead up to Mother’s Day or the few red wines I had last night. I am so tired. I feel confused. It’s cold, rainy and dark outside. I can relate to the weather today. I got two deliveries of flowers. One from Hamish and Greg and the other from my sis and her family. The cards made me breakdown. I am grateful for this love. I am just feeling shitty that it’s not the Mother’s Day I thought I would have. A son that is here in spirit. His mother just wants to cuddle him one more time. I miss him so much.
Why does it have to be this way?
Why did I have to enter motherhood like this?
Why can’t I have him back?
Where is he?
Is he safe up there?
Did you choose to leave?
What took you away so soon?
Are you living your purpose now?
How can I be the Mother you wanted me to be?
I love you. I miss you. I wish you didn’t have to go.
One day we will meet again, and I will be able to finally ask you these questions. For now I will have to trust the feelings I get. I will have to trust I am doing what you wanted me too.
I love you Hamish.
I Am Still Born 