Day 244

Am I a mother?

Why is this my life?

I know I shouldn’t entertain the victim mentality but sometimes it’s hard not to. Today I felt like crap. I don’t know if it’s the lead up to Mother’s Day or the few red wines I had last night. I am so tired. I feel confused. It’s cold, rainy and dark outside. I can relate to the weather today. I got two deliveries of flowers. One from Hamish and Greg and the other from my sis and her family. The cards made me breakdown. I am grateful for this love. I am just feeling shitty that it’s not the Mother’s Day I thought I would have. A son that is here in spirit. His mother just wants to cuddle him one more time. I miss him so much.

Why does it have to be this way?

Why did I have to enter motherhood like this?

Why can’t I have him back?

Where is he?

Is he safe up there?

Did you choose to leave?

What took you away so soon?

Are you living your purpose now?

How can I be the Mother you wanted me to be?

I love you. I miss you. I wish you didn’t have to go.

One day we will meet again, and I will be able to finally ask you these questions. For now I will have to trust the feelings I get. I will have to trust I am doing what you wanted me too.

I love you Hamish.

Author: Jodie Matthews

I am a mother, writer, mindful life coach, minimalist and many other things. I love mother nature. I am happiest when I am floating in the ocean. I am a keen traveller and love to explore and discover new places. You can connect with me further on instagram at @jodieleannematthews

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