Today is your eight month’s as an angel birthday. It is coming up to Mother’s Day and it is a weird time for me. I feel a bit unsure of the space inbetween that I am currently in. I miss you like crazy. I also want to be pregnant again. I wish I was already but I know I have to surrender to what is. That next little soul isn’t quite ready they need a little more time to come along. I want to send you a note today to say thank you for all that you have brought into my life. You gave me the courage to quit a job I didn’t love. You gave me the courage to speak up about the topic of stillbirth and losing a child. You have helped me get to know myself better these past eight months. Time I wouldn’t of had otherwise. If I had a choice I would bring you back in an instant. I know that is not possible though and I have accepted this is the way it was meant to be.
You have given your Dad and I time to deepen our relationship. Time to take many trips away to new locations. You have allowed us to make many new beautiful friends and deepen connections with older ones. You have given us perspective on what really matters. You have allowed us to question all that we have in our lives. You have made me question the meaning of life. You gave me time to study meditation. To bring mindfulness into my daily routine. You have allowed me to connect to Mother Nature and be in sync with her rhythms. You have allowed me to be vulnerable and cry the most amount of tears that I have ever before. You have allowed me to go to very dark places and feel what deep loss is. All the while showing me how grateful I am for this life.
The polarities of darkness and light. The yin and yang. I have read many books and blogs on stillbirth, grief and the meaning of life. I have been discovering what I really want to do with my life. I have trusted what will be will be. I have been loving and kind to myself. I have given life new meaning. I have become more spiritual. More connected to my intuition. I have followed feelings rather than what my head believes is best. I have kept showing up for myself. I have written a blog post a day. I have poured my heart out on the page. I have allowed the creativity to flow. I have reconnected to my inner spirit of freedom. I have chosen love over and over again. I may not get things right always. Again I know I am human and I can’t be perfect. I’ll just do what I can. Be the best I can be and keep showing up each day. I will honour you my son for the rest of my life. I can’t wait to tell your little brother and sister one day about how much joy you have brought into our lives.