The sound of the birds chirping and the soft glow of the sun rising woke me up slowly this morning. We drove to the Friendly beaches which was a short trip around the corner. We walked along the sand looking out to the ocean as the sun peeped up from the clouds. I have never seen another sunrise like this. The beach was all ours. The clear water was dazzling with the sun’s warm glow. Each step I took I felt more peace wash over me. We walked up and down the beach and decided to stop at some rocks for a meditation. It was like the rocks were formed for us to sit down upon, gazing out to the sea before us. I love meditating with someone close to me. Greg being present and willing helps. He doesn’t do it every day but sometimes we sit together. I guide us through some breathing exercises and a guided meditation to begin with. We then let our minds rest and listen to the waves crashing against the rocks. There is not another soul for miles. We both soak up the earth and oceans wisdom. I feel grateful to be here in this moment. As we walk further up the beach I write Hamish’s name in the sand. I feel he is here with us. Something about sunsets and sunrises and their beauty. Being close to nature. Finding some quiet time in my day. All these things bring me closer to my son.
We go back to our house in the bush and make breakfast. I boiled some water for my tea and sat in awe of my surrounds. This week has shown me that it is ok for me to take a break. I have had this small thought that keeps popping up. You shouldn’t be having this much fun. You should be doing some work. What about the course your doing? You need to work on this and that. I take a deep breath. It’s Monday tomorrow. There is always time for emails, course work and everything else. I remember there will never be another day like today. I remember that I’m not running a race. I’m not living at the same pace I was this time last year. I have taken it down a few gears. I’m happy at this pace. There is more joy in my days. To ease my worries I spent some time on my flight home writing up a weekly plan. I want more routine in my days going forward. I have really enjoyed the time out for the last seven months and it has been a critical part of my healing. Giving myself permission to have time and space to grieve is what I needed. Now I am craving a little more structure. Working in my own business as a start up is awesome. I get to set my own pace and days. I have decided four days on and one off during the week will work for me now. Friday’s will be my freedom day to do what I please. I intend to keep my days spacious and flexible so I have created that. I have set times for my meditation/creative time/play/client time/planning and admin.
I haven’t cried in a week. I am not saying this is some kind of achievement, I just realised sitting on the plane home. I think this is just an indication of where I am at. I am feeling good. There is more joy in my days. I still feel frustrated and angry at times and sad and upset. The happier times definitely outweigh the sad ones. I know my boy is safe wherever he is. I know my life is richer for having him. I know my love for Greg is growing deeper each day. I know my own self love and worth is also appreciating. I am kind to myself and others. I am being the best kind of mother I know how to be. I am day dreaming of what it will be like when we have our future children. I am taking in each day and grateful for what I have. There is no rush to get to a certain place. Where I am is perfect. I am happy with this moment. Sitting here on the plane home with my lover beside me.
I love you Hamish