I cried a lot today. The specialist came into see me and I told him about Hamish. He mentioned that the emotional stress I have been under could have contributed to me getting shingles. I will try and take things a bit slower and make sure I am looking after myself. I feel like I am working through everything ok. I know though it has been only seven months this coming Tuesday. It isn’t a long time. I need to tread carefully and be kind to myself. I miss him so much. I watched an Instagram live over at Annie M’s Instagram account of a live reading of the book she wrote for bereaved parents. It also brought me to tears. Annie wrote her book ‘You Could of Been‘ in memory of her son Xavier who was stillborn. She wanted a book she could read to him at his grave. I am certain this book is going to help so many bereaved parents on their healing journey. It is also a book that can be read to the siblings who have lost their brother or sister. It is about what Xavier or any of our children that have died could of been when they would have grown up.
The book reminds me of the thoughts I had of Hamish growing up. I knew I would do my best to allow him to follow his passions. I would have given him the tools to follow his intuition each day. I wondered what his personality would be like? Would he be cheeky like his father? Or would he be a deep thinker and empath like his mum? Would he like to play and watch soccer? Would he love to sing and dance? Would he want to be a fireman, teacher, rocket scientist, artist, businessman or entrepreneur? What I do know from the nine months we spent together is that he was a caring, compassionate person. He gave me little nudges while I was pregnant to give and love more. To be there for those that need it. To be there for myself and slow down. I will keep listening to the little nudges I still get from him today. I will always live in his honour.
Hamish I hope your doing ok up there. Your mum felt extra sad today. Then she got her moon cycle. I guess that explains the never ending tears that kept flowing.