Today I rested and tried to get back on track. The doctor prescribed me antibiotics for my ear as it doesn’t seem to be getting any better. I normally much prefer natural remedies but this time I’m in so much pain I’ll give the antibiotics a go. Something about feeling unwell also makes me feel down. I watched a few episodes of ‘Call the Midwife’ and one in particular which showed a stillbirth. It’s season 4 episode 2. I cried my eyes out watching it. I find it therapeutic though as it’s been a while since I’ve had a good cry. Even though it is a fictional TV series it brings me right back to the moment I lost Hamish. It brings me back to when I knew the look on the midwifes face was full of dread when she couldn’t find the heartbeat. I knew before she opened her mouth he was gone. The look on her face said it all.
I am so grateful for the care I received from all the midwives at the Mater hospital. They have a very special and rewarding job. The days where things don’t go to plan are the ones that define them. They pull it together when they want to break down crying with you when you find out your baby has died. They put on a brave face and help guide you through birthing your baby. Shedding a tear or two on the ward when they chat to you about your little one. They held him and gave him lots of cuddles on the ward. Looking down at his precious face. Giving me a hug when I needed it. Letting me know that everything was going to be ok. Telling me their own stories of loss they have personally been through or of family members and friends. Being kind and treading carefully when I couldn’t pull it together. Sending Hamish off when he was leaving for his funeral all dressed up in his baby kilt. They were in awe of my precious angel.
I love you Hamish. We were so lucky for the amazing care we had in the hospital.