Fear is raising its ugly head daily as we lead up to my first workshop of the year. Even though it has sold out. My mind is saying. What if no one shows up? What if the women who show up don’t like it? What if I can’t pull it off and what if it’s not perfect. I am so over listening to this voice. I can’t help but feel a little nervous. I want to provide the most beautiful space for everyone to be themselves. I know exactly how I want my workshop to go. I know I have what it takes to pull it off. I still have this little voice inside trying to sabotage. It says ‘your not good enough’. It says ‘how come you think you can run a workshop and help women with their money mindset?’. And it goes on and on. I know I can do it. I don’t tell many people about the feelings I get before speaking at an event or a workshop. I feel like they might think I’m a fraud if I am not super confident. I worry that they wont think I’m good enough if they knew what I was telling myself inside.
I can’t do much today other than sit in these feelings and accept they have come up. I decide to go for a swim in the ocean and meet some friends at the beach. I call my sister on the way to the beach and just break down crying uncontrollably. Not great while your driving but I pull it together. I’m thinking about Greg and Jill and how they have lost their beloved Grandad Joe. I’m thinking about Joe getting to meet our Hamish and even our future children that are yet to be born. I also have mixed feelings as Greg is going back to Aberdeen in Scotland on Sunday. A part of me really wants to go with him but the other part is saying stay home. I’m not emotionally of physically feeling like I’m in the place to fly 28 hours twice in one week. I decided I need to honour myself and stay home. Even though I want so badly to be by Greg’s side as he farewells Joe. After swimming in the ocean I feel like a new person. I have left most of my anxious feelings aside and I am feeling much more grounded. I decide to meditate on top of the headland over looking the ocean. I feel so much better now. I know these feelings come and go.
Hamish please help me raise above this fear. Please give me the strength to keep moving forward.