I Am Still Born

I walked almost 20 kilometres today with one of my soul sisters along the coast from Coogee to Bondi and back again. Walking on the sand at the end and feeling the icy water on my feet was a highlight. I haven’t walked that far in one day in a long time. I feel like I am slowly getting my energy back. Today showed me that I actually feel more energised when I get out there and do more. I felt that Hamish was close by today. Whenever I am close to the ocean I can feel his presence. The calming, blue and turquoise waters, waves crashing close to the shore. I can’t wait until the weather is warmer and I can get back into the ocean. I spent half my pregnancy swimming in the ocean. Hamish loved it. I could tell there was an extra sense of calm when it was just us two, floating on top of the water. I could sense his personality shining through the womb. I am so grateful I was open to the messages I received while I was pregnant. I felt Hamish was caring, compassionate and very loving. He encouraged me to do so many things while I was pregnant. I had a diary I would write in each day and when I go back now and read through it. I had so much trust in him and I believe that wherever he is right now is where he is supposed to be.

Hamish you are so loved. 

Lately I have been feeling like time is going very slowly. I guess it is because I am living at a slower pace now. I have time to soak up the magnificence in each day. I have time to consciously choose how I spend my time. This time has given me so much freedom. I almost feel sometimes like it is too much. I know each day what I want to get done for my business and the eBook. I don’t feel the urgency though that I used to in my corporate life. I feel like sometimes I need a little more motivation or direction. It may just be because it is winter. I don’t feel as full of energy that I normally do. I try to tune in and ask my heart what it wants to do next. I think it is as confused as my head is. I do feel like I am coming out of the fog now. The darkness that encased me after Hamish left. I feel like I am ready for some new challenges. I want to start doing more. The grief that stays with me doesn’t feel as heavy anymore. The tears are less frequent now. The pain isn’t as bad. While time does start to heal, I believe it is also such a process when you go through loss. You have to feel each emotion flow through your body. You have to allow whatever needs to come up, to come up. I feel like I have done the best I could have with my grief. I didn’t push it down and hide it. I lived it each day.

I love you my boy. I think about you each day and I know you are supporting me from above. 

I am buggered today. I am doing my best to eat the right foods and look after myself but I am still so tired. I went for a walk in the morning and had breakfast with a soul sister and her daughter. We sat and basked in the sun talking about birth, death and that thing in-between called life. That thing that we are all trying to perfect each day. We are all showing up not wanting to waste a moment. Our conversation left me feeling uplifted. I know no matter what happens to anyone, we all have this crazy amount of inner strength, that helps us get through life. My friend lost her husband recently to brain cancer. He was 34. So much life left to live, gone too soon. I didn’t know how she would be now, as it’s only been a matter of months, she is doing really well. I am in awe of her strength as a wife and mother. We will never know why some people get a free pass to 95 years of age and some lives are cut much shorter, some are still born. For those who are stillborn, the only thing they know is their mothers womb and the love that surrounds it. No matter how long or short our lives are the way I see it is we are all here for a reason. We have a soul contract to fulfil in this lifetime. There have been times where I have said enough is enough. Now I know that what ever comes my way is just another stepping stone for my soul to move along it’s path.

I love you Hamish

After being in the city from 7 until 5 yesterday I am looking forward to a chilled out day. I am feeling more motivation and determination to get sh*t done. I had my PT session in the morning, then came home to do a little bit of work. I had a coaching session tonight with one of my soul sisters. It was a 90 minute strategy session to review where she is at with her money mindset. We deep dived in to the subconscious beliefs she carries from her childhood around money, worthiness and success. The ways she treats money in her life today and how for once and for all she wants to be financially competent and independent. It was inspiring as I know how hard it can be to talk about money, worthiness and all the topics in-between. I usually focus on how money makes someone feel, how they use it in their life, how they may tie it to their self worth and how we can set some heart centred goals to move them forward. Working on your money mindset can be life long work. It doesn’t have to be hard though. It can be fun, light hearted, graceful. When you believe money is hard it will be. When you look at it as an energy and treat it for what it is, it can become much easier to manage.

Sending you love today. I can’t believe it’s almost ten months since you have been gone. 

I am up at 6am for the first time in a long time. I have my first mastermind day with Lorraine Murphy’s Clann. We are working out of a café in Surry Hills and I am surrounded by around 18 amazing women. These women have their own businesses and were also craving more connection. Some of them even have two businesses on the go. It inspires me to be around all of these entrepreneurs who are ready to take their business to the next level. I feel at ease within a couple of hours of hanging out with them all. My friend Elly was there too so that made it a little easier. I feel so grateful that I have this guidance today to re-write my business plan and also assess where I am going in the next three months. Some days I question what I am doing and other days I am full of determination and I know exactly what I want to be doing. The high fives I got after I told everyone my elevator pitch were a good gauge that I am heading in the right direction. I will keep taking each day as it comes. I will try and stick to my plan but also leave room for random things to come my way.

Thanks for giving me the courage to speak up today about you Hamish. I shared the ebook with the women and let them know it was another one of my projects I am working on spreading the word about. I felt proud to be your mum today. 

 

It is the first day of the new month. I am feeling so many mixed emotions. I don’t know if tired is an emotion but I’m tired. I’m feeling excited, nervous and uneasy at times. I thought I was already slowing down and living a much more chilled out life. Now my days have become a mix of naps and pondering. I am pondering life. What it all means. Why am I here? What is my highest purpose? How can I make Hamish proud? I am thinking about many things I want to create. I am thinking about starting a meditation app, more workshops and other creations. I am trying to nourish my body the best way I know how to each day. I am hydrating myself, moving my body and ramping up the self care. There is guilt coming up around the fact that I’m not doing enough. I am still peeling back the layers of my ego and my previous life. I am still letting go of the busy life of go, go, go. I am still letting go of the capitalist ideal that I had become.

Hamish I hope you know how much I love you. I really need your love right now.

I walked into the room to set up my workshop. The studio has a presence about it. It’s tranquil and peaceful. Even though it is on a busy street and near the train station. I feel at ease as everyone arrives. I know how much love I have poured into this workshop and I am so excited to share it with the right soul sisters that came along. I know and trust that I am in the right place at the right time. I know that Hamish is supporting me and guiding me today. During the meditations, I felt so grateful, to be able to hold this space. To be able to open up my soul sisters minds to something haven’t experienced before. The first meditation was twenty minutes in silence counting our breath. I knew how much of a challenge this would be and I was so proud of everyone for giving it a go. The next meditation was a candle gazing one. I was trying to also meditate while running the workshop but it didn’t feel right. I felt like I had to always be switched on. The last meditation was a gratitude one which I guided. We ended the final meditation with the ‘Devi Prayer‘ playing and I felt everyone’s heart open up. I know this is the work that I want to be doing in the world.

Hamish I love you. 

I am sitting in a little café in Annandale. It is rare that I hop over the other side of the city. I am meeting some special women today for tea. One of them is my dear social worker Deb and the other is an author Annie M. I decided to come a little earlier so I can do some writing. Annie wrote the book ‘You Could Have Been‘ dedicated to her son Xavier. We read the book around the campfire for Mia’s first birthday and there wasn’t a dry eye in sight. The book is a labour of love and it is such a beautiful tribute to Xavier that we can read to our children we have lost. It makes me cry every time I read the words. I know what Hamish has become. For someone that lived a short life he has left a big footprint on the world and will continue to. He has lived through Greg and I each day since his passing. He has touched many peoples lives with his love. The love he has pours through me each day. I am sure of it. I had the strength to share our story because Hamish wanted it told. His spirit has been with us each step of the way on this journey. That is one of the only things that gives me comfort. I hold on to the fact that no matter where I am, where I travel he will always be there by our side.

I love you my baby. I am so glad you are always with me wherever I go. 

Today was full of mixed feelings. One part of me is feeling happy and hopeful for the future. Another part of my heart is still feeling sad. I long for Hamish and today I felt like I needed him more than ever. Greg was working from home and I was just feeling a little down. I realised it has been a while since I cried. I lit the candle on Hamish’s urn and cried for my little boy. I don’t want to keep going over the what ifs and all that he would be right now. Some days though the grief takes over in certain moments. In these moments I remind myself of how grateful I am, for I have in my life. I am still at times confused about where I am going. What I am doing with my life. I question the decisions I have made. I know I didn’t make the easy choice. Some days I take a sneak peak at seek.com as I wonder if this whole entrepreneurship lifestyle is for me.

I had a call with one of my soul family today and we chatted about how you can change paths at anytime. It doesn’t always make sense in business. Sometimes we need to follow our heart above all else and make hard choices. Sometimes we need to build a business on soul rather than potential profits. I am going to keep walking this path. I will try my best to stay on track. I have a mastermind which starts next week in person which I am really looking forward too. I think the hardest part of working from home is feeling lonely and not having the connection with as many people that I used to before. I would have contact with up to 100 people most days in my corporate role. Now some days I only see Greg. I know my soul is craving more connection I just need to work out what that looks like.

I love you my boy.

 

It is pouring with rain and cold outside. I’ve decided today is a day to stay indoors. I have some stuff to catch up on and feel like it is a good time to be at home. The full moon is coming, I feel like I am letting go of many things, this month. I feel like I am leaving space for new creations to be birthed. I feel like there are some new ways of doing business brewing. I am trying not to get too caught up in how everyone else is doing things. One part of me wants to learn from others. Another part of me knows I need to be free to create and just be. If I try and follow everyone else’s plan it might not leave room for new ideas to come through. I have a clear 90-day plan that I am delivering on in my business but I also want to leave room for flow. I also feel like I want to do a things a little differently. A part of me wants to keep diving into teaching meditation. I know how helpful it can be when you are living a busy life. I know how much meditation has changed my life in the past year. It has brought me back to the present on a daily basis. It has allowed me to listen to my intuition and souls voice.

I love you Hamish. The more I meditate the closer I feel to you.