I Am Still Born

Finally I can share with you some very special news. We are having another baby! I am 10 weeks along and feeling good. I had a scan and check up today and everything is looking good. I have been very tired but other than that feeling pretty good. It feels very different this time around. I am not in a stressful job. I am a very different person to who I was twelve months ago. I am more myself. I trust and surrender and know I am supported through this pregnancy. I am seeing a new doctor and I am just taking each day as it comes. It was quite a shock when I found out six weeks ago. We both really wanted it to happen, we also knew it could take time and we had to be patient. My fertility coach was over the moon when we told her. It was only a few weeks after we finished our sessions together. There have been days where my heart feels heavy but many more where I am feeling so much love. I know Hamish will watch over us during this pregnancy and he will be there each step of the way. It feels like such a relief to write about it as I have been wanting to share our special news for so long.

Hamish I can’t wait to meet your little brother or sister. Please keep watching over us and keeping us safe. 

I went to see my lovely acupuncturist this afternoon. It was bliss. I feel like my adrenals haven’t been functioning at one hundred percent and I have been fatigued. This was a rewiring for my whole system. It felt so good just lying there in her capable hands. It made me realise how important it is to listen to your body. Take time out when you need to. Get support from the right people when you need it. I think when you go through times of stress, and not feeling very well, whether its emotionally or physically it is important to seek out help. I am sometimes not the best person at doing this. I have noticed though since being lovingly nudged by my amazing social worker. She gave me permission to get all the support I need. She told me now is not the time to scrimp on support. Now is the time to lean on others. To ask for help when you need it. Why does it take someone else to let us know it is ok to get help. I wish we all could do this ourselves. Recognise when we are in need of some TLC.

Thank you Hamish for allowing me to be so supported.

After my outdoor training session I am feeling so energized. I know the more I keep up with daily exercise, even if it is just a walk it will help me feel better. Maybe just not at the gym. I went to visit some lovely soul sisters for lunch today and it warmed my heart. I feel so supported and know that I don’t have to have it all figured out. I loved having deep honest conversations about life and where we are all at. I know that life isn’t a race and as cliched as they say it is about the journey. We are all looking for that shiny new thing or what our purpose is. The truth is by sitting in the uncomfortable in between void and surrendering to what life brings us, can some times lead us closer. I usually am always doing, doing, doing. It is hard to rewire my brain to spend more time just being. I know this sounds silly but I sometimes feel like I’m failing, when I’m not doing. I keep thinking this time I have could be used for something more productive. Then I snap out of it and relise there is a season in for all types of being in our lives. There are seasons for putting our head down and go, go, go just as there are times for rest and recuperation. It is winter here in Sydney, although the sunshine and warm days lately you would hardly be able to tell. I do feel like I have been in a bit of a winter in my mind these past few months. I have slowed down. I have stripped back everything and just sat in each day and surrendered. I haven’t been actively doing, other than a little coaching and writing. I have just allowed myself this time.

Hamish I am so grateful for you. Today I thought about our hearts beating together for those nine months. I will forever cherish those moments with you in my tummy.

My energy is slowly starting to come back. I am listening to my body and trying to eat more intuitively. I am listening to what it needs. I am moving my body when I feel like it and I am resting when I need to. I have a gym membership, thanks to Greg who eagerly signed us up. I haven’t been for weeks and I am wondering if it is even worth keeping. I have weights and some exercise equipment at home and I love working outdoors rather than in a gym. I think I will let it go as it doesn’t really bring me joy. The only time it really comes in handy as if it is raining outside. Even then I don’t feel drawn to the gym. I haven’t been to yoga for a few weeks either. I am going to just tune in and see what I feel like doing rather than force myself to do something that doesn’t light me up. Dancing has also been calling me forward. I have been thinking about going back to a local dance class. During my pregnancy with Hamish I danced a lot. I started doing classes around twelve weeks and I loved it. As my body and Hamish grew it did start to restrict my movement a little but I knew how much we both loved it.

I hope you are dancing somewhere up above

Today I have walked around my leafy neighbourhood and had a long brunch at one of my new favourite cafes. I sat in gratitude for the food that I have that nourishes me each day. I am also grateful for the friendships and loving support I have around me. I feel like I need more connection and this past weekend has again reminded me how great it is to hang out with my friends. I feel like moving from working in a corporate role to my own business is quite isolating. I am noticing that I don’t feel as energised as I used to when I was around others. I love being around people. I love having deep and meaningful conversations, joking about what terrible reality tv show we are watching, having someone to lean on when you are feeling a bit lost. I do have so many amazing friends and biz besties around me I just need to get out and see them more. This weekend I have started thinking about the possibliility of consulting to companies or non-profits. There is opportunities out there and I know I could make such a difference in these businesses. I know I don’t want to do accounting all day everyday. I do still have the management skills to jump in a shake up a business. I have helped manage restructures, new business lines, new systems and managed projects. I just need to work out where I can best serve.

I love you my boy

We spent the morning walking around Bondi and visiting the farmers markets. I love getting all our fresh produce from the markets each week. I love that the fruit and vegetables haven’t been long from farm to table. I am also falling more in love with the eastern beaches. We sat on the rocks looking out for the whales. I wanted to climb down some ledges to get the best view but Greg wasn’t  having any part of it. He stopped me and yelled “no Jodie, no you are not climbing down those rocks”. I love that he tries to keep me safe. I am waiting till the day I can take him on a family canyoning trip. Where we rock climb without any ropes, we abseil down holding a rope without a harness and we jump and slide into big rock pools. My family trips away were either camping in the snow and cross country skiing or canyoning and bushwalking. It used to frustrate me that we couldn’t have what I thought was a normal holiday was growing up. It wasn’t until I was twenty that I tried downhill skiing and snowboarding for the first time. I got a lift pass and that was a luxury, as I was used to having to traverse the slopes going up as well as down. I want to go on some more camping trips. I don’t know how Greg will feel about this but I am thinking we should give it a go. Maybe a few nights in a tent and a few nights in some other form of accommodation. A year ago we hired a campervan and went travelling from Brisbane to Sydney stopping at many beaches in between. This time around I am actually thinking a tent would be cool for the same trip. As long as we have a comfortable mattress and pillow, I am happy.

I love you Hamish. I always think of you when I look out into the ocean. 

 

I am feeling good today. I have been getting out in the sunshine. I believe the more time I spend outside the better my mood will improve. I am still feeling lost and a bit confused. What I do know is though, that I am living a life much closer to alignment, than I was a year ago. I think about all that I have been blessed with since Hamish. He continues to weave his way through all the work I do and gives me purpose to keep going on this path. I could easily go back to a finance job but I know that isn’t where my heart lies. I think not knowing exactly where I fit or how my future looks is what is making me uneasy. Tony Robbins says we need a degree of certainty to be happy. At the same time we need uncertainty so that we don’t get bored doing the same old thing. I am searching for my happy medium in-between the two. I have certainty in my home, relationship and friendships. When it comes to my work and contribution there is lots of uncertainty. I am listening to where my heart and soul wants me to go. It isn’t one hundred percent clear yet. I am still floating through different ideas.

I love you my boy and miss you so much. When my heart aches for you, I remind myself you are still with me. It may not be in a physical way but you live with me. You are in my heart, my words, my consciousness. You are with me. 

This week has made me realise how much I crave being around people. I do like quiet time but I feel so much more energised when I am around the people I love. I am thinking about what my dream business really looks like. I don’t know if I want to be a solopreneur. Actually I know I don’t want to be doing this alone. I know with skype and all the other ways of connecting we can feel like everyone is just moments away. For some reason though this online connection doesn’t do it for me. I love being able to catch up with friends in London, Barcelona and Mackay over Skype but I still want to have real life conversations each day. I am going to think about what my ideal day in business really is. I am going to start designing my life around what feels good. This is a first for me in many years, to be able to make intuitive choices with what I do with my time. To be able to peel back everything and start from scratch. I’m only going to add things that bring joy. I am going to make each day fun. I am going to connect with my business and ask it what it needs to thrive.

I love you Hamish

As I lay on the grass in the sun I hoped that it would help me feel more grounded. I have been feeling a little off the past few days. I know when I don’t spend much time outside or in nature, it can cause me to a little blah. The sunshine was exactly what I needed. I can’t believe it is winter. I am wearing a t-shirt and I am feeling warm. I look up at the pale blue sky. There is not a cloud in sight. There is a small crescent moon and the sun is shining. I have been following the moon phases and I know we have just come out of a powerful eclipse. I thought once the new moon phase has passed I would start to feel more energy. I have this sense of knowing that everything is going to be ok. I still also have my logic mind pipe up each day and ask ‘What are you doing with your life?’. I don’t know the true answer to that question right now. I have realised that it is completely ok for me to be in limbo. To be figuring things out. I am not used to this feeling but I know there is a reason for me living this way. There needs to be space for new beginnings to occur.

Hamish your Daddy and I love you so much. I hope you can hear us when we say goodnight, I love you before bed each night.  

I had a chai with one of my soul sisters this morning. It was so nice to chat and connect. She has a little one on the way shortly. He is actually due to be born around Hamish’s 1st birthday, although he will be coming a little sooner than that. I am in awe of her strength and also trust. There is nothing more you can do that surrender when you are pregnant. Obviously besides eating the right foods, taking pregnancy vitamins and exercise. Our bodies as women are made for this. To nurture our children in our wombs. It is sometimes hard for me to comprehend what happened to Hamish. I know now though that birth and death are two of the same. They are part of the ebb and flow nature. The weird part is when they come together. A death with a birth. Hamish was still born. He was birthed into this world. He just never got to see life outside of my womb. They say a mother is made when a baby is born. When I see these quotes I tend to disagree. A mother is born when a woman is birthed. It is our choice how and when we become a mother.  Whether we are mother to an earth child or not doesn’t make us less of a mother. Whether we have carried and then miscarried doesn’t make us less of a mother. Whether our child lived for 5 minutes or 85 years doesn’t make us less of a mother.

Hamish I love you to the moon and back.