I Am Still Born

This morning I flew into sunny Brisbane. I am here for the next three nights for a conference in the city with some of my soul sisters in business and life. We so happy to be away for this weekend. We are excited to see the speakers and attend the conference but mainly excited to catch up. To spend time chilling out and having lots of deep soulful conversations. We arrive at our cute little Airbnb just outside of the city. It is half a house with a lush green garden filled with palm trees. There is a big pool in the backyard and the owners let us know we can swim whenever we like. They say we should go in at night as it’s still so hot here.

We went out to a cute Spanish restaurant for dinner. I shared with them some things that have happened to me lately. Some challenges I’ve had in my business. I felt so much less alone. I have been running my coaching business for the last year. I took a break after Hamish was born as I needed to allow myself to heal. I don’t know the exact direction I’m heading in but I know if I keep following my heart I’ll find my way. I know I want to help women own their worth. I know I want to help women live a more meaningful life. I know I want to help keep them accountable to be the best version of themselves. Helping women with money mindset is only one of the ways I can help them live with more intention, grace and courage.

Hamish thank you for always being by my side in spirit. I can feel your energy here today. As we checked in and I looked down at the piece of paper with the WiFi password I saw your name. Of course your here. The owners of the Airbnb must also have a son named Hamish. Thanks for the reminder your always with me.

Today brought a lot of emotions up for me. I organised a dinner for my Dad’s 60th birthday. My Dad and I have always had an up and down relationship. Sometimes I felt like I took on the ‘Dad and Mum’ role in my family with my siblings being the eldest of four. I never asked for a parental role growing up it was just handed to me at quite a young age. I could never understand my parents when I was growing up. Now I am starting to get it though. I know we are all human and I know everyone is just trying to do their best. A lot of times I questioned my Dad’s love for us as he couldn’t communicate it that well. We were very different personalities and it was hard to empathise with him. All I wanted in the world was my parents to pull it together and get themselves help. I know they are in a better place now but I still feel the urge to want to help ‘fix’ them. I know I just have to let them be and live the life they want to live. I know they never meant to hurt us growing up. It was more of a mental health battle that lead to them not looking after themselves and therefore not looking after us kids. Tonight we had a nice dinner with my family. I genuinely wanted my Dad to feel the love his children have for him. You should have seen his face when the big chocolate cake came out with sparklers and the whole restaurant sung Happy Birthday. I am truly grateful for the love I have from my parents. Although there have been many tough times in our relationship I am blessed to have them around me.

Hamish becoming a mum to you helped me realise even more what my parents went through. The love I have for you is unconditional and I know my parents love is the same.

 

Valentines Day is something that I don’t usually do anything big for. Greg and I usually have a nice dinner or do something nice for each other. I left a card hidden in Greg’s suitcase so he could find it once he got to Scotland. I decided to go and stay with my sister and her family last night so I could spend Valentines day with some of my loved ones. I got to hang out with my niece and put her to bed last night which was really lovely. We read three of her favourite books, sung two lullaby’s, then turned her teddy night light on and said goodnight. Then in the morning I got her up so my sister could sleep in with my seven week old niece. The first thing Larissa wanted to do was play when she woke up. We decided though it would be a good idea to eat some breakfast. We sat across from each other pulling funny faces for about twenty minutes as we ate our Weetabix. I couldn’t stop laughing and neither could she. There was nothing in particular that was funny but we both were in hysterics. I realised how long it had been since I felt like I could be silly and have more fun.

I decided to visit my dear friend Jenna in the afternoon. She was our doula at Hamish’s birth. She was the most amazing support person that Greg and I could have asked for. We all didn’t really know what to expect with the birth. Jenna did everything she could to make us both comfortable. When I pushed Hamish out I was holding Greg’s hand on my left and Jenna’s on my right. I literally squeezed their hands until they were blue! I am so blessed that she was here on this journey with me. Jenna has a gorgeous son who is only 8 weeks older than Hamish and a beautiful daughter too. We spent the afternoon hanging by the pool at her coastal house. We chatted about life and how things are unfolding for the both of us. I truly can’t wait to get pregnant again and let Jenna know I want her to be at my next birth. I know it will only be a matter of time. I am ready to call in our next little soul to join us. If we have it Greg’s way there will be two at the same time!

Hamish you are always loved. Know your family loves you and so do so many others. 

Today I had lunch with another loss Mum whom I connected with recently. Rowena and I studied the same life coaching course with Beautiful You. It was such a beautiful lunch where we talked about our losses. How our life is going now. Our dreams, our grievances, our new outlook on life. Rowena inspires me so much. She has turned her grief into something beautiful through her website and coaching. She coaches women who are going through a big transitions in their life. It could be from baby loss or other losses. It could be another life changing transition like changing careers or direction in life.

I feel comfort when I meet with mothers who have lost their child years ago and to see how strong they are. They live their life with more courage, love and presence. They follow their heart in the best way they know how. They want to leave a legacy for all of their children. They want to honour their child that is no longer here. They want to make the most of each day. They have a new perspective on what a bad day is. Their comfort zone has been well and truly exited. Particularly when they gave birth to their angel baby. Small stuff doesn’t bother them as much. They are connected to their true self.

Hamish I am so grateful for all the new friendships I have made in the last five months. 

Check out Rowena’s heart filled website and blog here: www.joyhopelove.com

I woke up in the middle of the night. I felt like I was paralysed. I was awake in my dream but I couldn’t feel my body. I have had this feeling a few times over the past five months but never for more than a few seconds. This time it felt like a couple of minutes. I saw my body falling out of the bed on to the ground. It was like my mind was trying everything to wake me up with no response. After what felt like an eternity I could finally move again. I started moving and realised I was still on the bed. I had imagined myself falling off. It was the weirdest thing. It was my first night at home alone since Greg left for Scotland and so I was feeling a bit weird. As soon as I woke up again in the morning I googled what this meant.

Google : What happens when you wake up and can’t feel anything and can’t move?

Apparently this goes by the name of sleep paralysis. According to google it can happen after Trauma. I was replaying Hamish’s birth in my head before I went to sleep last night and maybe that had something to do with it. It wasn’t the most traumatic birth but it was very sad for me to be holding my little guy all limp and lifeless on my chest. I felt a sense of joy and pain at the same time. I hope I don’t get too many of these weird sleep episodes as it is pretty scary. At least I know what it is now so if it happens again I wont freak out.

 

Hamish I loved you the day your soul came into my body and you decided to be my son. 

Today I ran my first workshop of the year. I had 16 wonderful soul sisters attend and 1 mini one. My gorgeous niece seven week old niece came along with my sister. To have her in the room with me gave me so much strength, particularly when I talked about Hamish. It was a Mindful Money Workshop and we sat in circle and shared where each of our journeys with money is at. It was a sacred place where we laughed and also a few tears were shed. I feel so blessed to be able to share this message. To allow women to find themselves and realise that nothing material or external will complete them. That buying stuff will only give you a temporary high. That your relationship with money runs deep into your childhood and probably past lives. It’s also carried through your cells from the generations of women before you.

Freedom is something we are all striving towards. Freedom from doing things we don’t want to do. Freedom with our time. Freedom with our money. Freedom with our bodies. Freedom from ongoing pain and suffering. I wanted to open everyone’s mind today to how they can cultivate that freedom. How they can cultivate freedom and a more harmonious relationship with money. Helping guide them to use money as an energy for good in their lives and others. For them to not be fearful of money. For them to release the subconscious beliefs that have been driving their money story. For them to tune into themselves and know they have everything they already need. To tune in and realise they have love and abundance around them always. I hope my message got across. I know that everyone that came walked away thinking about these things. If it is just a small seed of hope and freedom I planted within them then my Workshop was a success.

Hamish I could feel you supporting me as I held the space for these beautiful women. Thank you for being my guardian angel and helping me find freedom.

I had so much fun today. It started with my monthly goddess circle catch up at a local cafe and ended with mud on my face at a peaceful Dam near the beach. I felt so supported by my goddess sisters knowing they all have my back. One of them mentioned how much I have softened in the last 5 months. How much I am coming into my true self. It’s hard to look back on my old life as I know so much of it wasn’t in alignment. My soul knew I wasn’t listening but my head pushed forward. It pushed me into working my ass off in the corporate world. It pushed me into representing 41,000 accountants in a Council. It pushed me to speak at events when I was sick and knew I should be in bed. It pushed me to go go go all the freaking time. It pushed me to try and be the best wife, friend, sister and everything else to everyone at the same time. There my soul was saying slow down. Listen to your body. Slow down you don’t need to work like this anymore. Slow down before you crash.

I didn’t want Hamish to leave. I wanted to take on motherhood and be the best mum I could be. Hamish has turned my life upside down. He has brought me to a big thundering holt. It’s like he put the brakes on my life and said ‘Mum! Enough is enough. You can’t go on like this anymore. You can’t ignore your souls calling. Even though you have been trying to follow that path for the last few years you have gotten off track. You need to learn how to say NO. You need to learn when to say YES. This life isn’t forever. You will never know when your time is up. Stop allowing others to drive your ship. Take hold of the sails and move in the direction you know you want to. Be the person you truly are. Don’t be sorry for being spiritual. Don’t be sorry for wanting the best for others. Just don’t try and fix them. All you need to do is stay on your path. And ‘In spirit’ you will inspire those around you. Keep going on this journey. I didn’t leave so you could go back to your old life. I didn’t leave to cause you pain. I wanted you to be who you are meant to Mum. Please listen and take my life as your reason to listen to your soul from now on. You may go off course now and again. Trust that you will always be supported and find your way. Trust that you will find so much happiness in taking a chance. Taking a leap. This is your time.’

Thank you Hamish you are my greatest teacher. 

Fear is raising its ugly head daily as we lead up to my first workshop of the year. Even though it has sold out. My mind is saying. What if no one shows up? What if the women who show up don’t like it? What if I can’t pull it off and what if it’s not perfect. I am so over listening to this voice. I can’t help but feel a little nervous. I want to provide the most beautiful space for everyone to be themselves. I know exactly how I want my workshop to go. I know I have what it takes to pull it off. I still have this little voice inside trying to sabotage. It says ‘your not good enough’. It says ‘how come you think you can run a workshop and help women with their money mindset?’. And it goes on and on. I know I can do it. I don’t tell many people about the feelings I get before speaking at an event or a workshop. I feel like they might think I’m a fraud if I am not super confident. I worry that they wont think I’m good enough if they knew what I was telling myself inside.

I can’t do much today other than sit in these feelings and accept they have come up. I decide to go for a swim in the ocean and meet some friends at the beach. I call my sister on the way to the beach and just break down crying uncontrollably. Not great while your driving but I pull it together. I’m thinking about Greg and Jill and how they have lost their beloved Grandad Joe. I’m thinking about Joe getting to meet our Hamish and even our future children that are yet to be born. I also have mixed feelings as Greg is going back to Aberdeen in Scotland on Sunday. A part of me really wants to go with him but the other part is saying stay home. I’m not emotionally of physically feeling like I’m in the place to fly 28 hours twice in one week. I decided I need to honour myself and stay home. Even though I want so badly to be by Greg’s side as he farewells Joe. After swimming in the ocean I feel like a new person. I have left most of my anxious feelings aside and I am feeling much more grounded. I decide to meditate on top of the headland over looking the ocean. I feel so much better now. I know these feelings come and go.

Hamish please help me raise above this fear. Please give me the strength to keep moving forward.

Today has been a very long day. It started off with a circuit class and a lovely breakfast. Then ended with a phone call from the UK. Greg’s Grandad Joe passed away. We are feeling sad but also feeling peaceful knowing he is with his Grandma, Mum and Hamish. I know they are all up there together. Joe was always quick witted. He had so much generosity of spirit and was such a kind person. I felt lucky that I got to meet him in person a few years back. Thanks to Greg’s sister Jill we also were able to FaceTime with him and keep him updated on life in Sydney. He also had Facebook which helped! I love that at almost 90 years of age he would share funny memes and videos! He would also love and share everything we posted. The funniest time was when he sent me a Facebook message with a photo of Greg as a six year old. It just said under the picture… “Who ate all the pies..??” Joe was so kind to us always and I am grateful to have known him. I know Greg and Jill were so grateful for him growing up and always being there for them.

Hamish I am sure Grandad Joe is up there taking care of you now too. I am sending you both love and peace today. I lit two candles today side by side to remember you both. 

Truth be told I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I do know something and that is I don’t want to live my life the way I was before. I am feeling the pressure to make a decision. To decide all the things. I know we are only here for a short time. I know that I should try and make the most out of my life. I am feeling very stuck this week. Like I should know all the answers and be able to make decisions. I know I can keep putting one foot in front of the other each day. I know I can continue to follow my heart. Just showing up to write a blog each day sometimes has been challenging. There are days were I just tap in and the words flow and there are others where I think WTF am I doing. I know one thing for sure which is that this blog allows me to have connection. Connection to Hamish each day, connection to my heart, connection to others that read it. Cultivating that relationship is important to me. It is important for Hamish to get the messages I send each day. Wherever he is in the spirit world I know he can feel the love I send him through my words, actions and thoughts.

Hamish it doesn’t feel like 150 days have passed since your soul left the earth. I love you more and more each day. My love is overflowing for you. I will continue to honour you in everything I do. Love you my sweet boy.