I woke up in the middle of the night. I felt like I was paralysed. I was awake in my dream but I couldn’t feel my body. I have had this feeling a few times over the past five months but never for more than a few seconds. This time it felt like a couple of minutes. I saw my body falling out of the bed on to the ground. It was like my mind was trying everything to wake me up with no response. After what felt like an eternity I could finally move again. I started moving and realised I was still on the bed. I had imagined myself falling off. It was the weirdest thing. It was my first night at home alone since Greg left for Scotland and so I was feeling a bit weird. As soon as I woke up again in the morning I googled what this meant.
Google : What happens when you wake up and can’t feel anything and can’t move?
Apparently this goes by the name of sleep paralysis. According to google it can happen after Trauma. I was replaying Hamish’s birth in my head before I went to sleep last night and maybe that had something to do with it. It wasn’t the most traumatic birth but it was very sad for me to be holding my little guy all limp and lifeless on my chest. I felt a sense of joy and pain at the same time. I hope I don’t get too many of these weird sleep episodes as it is pretty scary. At least I know what it is now so if it happens again I wont freak out.
Hamish I loved you the day your soul came into my body and you decided to be my son.
I Am Still Born 