Today brought a lot of emotions up for me. I organised a dinner for my Dad’s 60th birthday. My Dad and I have always had an up and down relationship. Sometimes I felt like I took on the ‘Dad and Mum’ role in my family with my siblings being the eldest of four. I never asked for a parental role growing up it was just handed to me at quite a young age. I could never understand my parents when I was growing up. Now I am starting to get it though. I know we are all human and I know everyone is just trying to do their best. A lot of times I questioned my Dad’s love for us as he couldn’t communicate it that well. We were very different personalities and it was hard to empathise with him. All I wanted in the world was my parents to pull it together and get themselves help. I know they are in a better place now but I still feel the urge to want to help ‘fix’ them. I know I just have to let them be and live the life they want to live. I know they never meant to hurt us growing up. It was more of a mental health battle that lead to them not looking after themselves and therefore not looking after us kids. Tonight we had a nice dinner with my family. I genuinely wanted my Dad to feel the love his children have for him. You should have seen his face when the big chocolate cake came out with sparklers and the whole restaurant sung Happy Birthday. I am truly grateful for the love I have from my parents. Although there have been many tough times in our relationship I am blessed to have them around me.
Hamish becoming a mum to you helped me realise even more what my parents went through. The love I have for you is unconditional and I know my parents love is the same.
I Am Still Born 