I Am Still Born

After a scenic drive up the east cost of Tassie I am sitting here surrounded by nature near Wine Glass Bay. We have an eco house that is solar powered and self sustaining on over 200 hectares of land overlooking the bay. I feel so blessed to be here watching the sun go down over the mountains. It feels like we are miles away from civilisation and that is because we probably are. This house is so beautiful. Sometimes I ask myself if I deserve this amazing life. I am so blessed. I felt so called to see more of our beautiful country and Tasmania has not disappointed. For the next few days all we need to do is soak up the nature around us. We will go for a hike tomorrow around Wine Glass Bay. We were gifted a bottle of champagne and while we aren’t drinking much at the moment we will have a toast tonight for our anniversary. I don’t believe completely in chance. I think our soul pulls us in certain directions. When we listen closely and follow along it can lead to amazing things. I am so glad I am now being lead from the heart and soul space rather than always my logical head. If I listened to my head we wouldn’t be here.

I felt your presence here today Hamish, while I watched the sky turn from blue to pink then a bright orange as the sun slowly descended behind the mountains. 

Four years ago I married my Scottish sweetheart Greg. We were both big dreamers and  knew the life we wanted to create. We love going on adventures together and supporting each other through our passions. We love each other very deeply. Life has given us quite the rollercoaster ride. Travelling through Europe, the UK, San Francisco, Hawaii and Thailand to mention a few destinations. Seeing more of this beautiful country on the east and west coast and now down to Tasmania. Seeing our Nephew and three nieces shortly after they were born and growing up, and many more special children who we are also Aunty and Uncle too. Seeing our loved ones kick goals in their life and pursue their dreams. Making many new friends together. Going through nine months of pregnancy and then giving birth to our precious son Hamish. Living without him earth side for the last seven months. Being tested and stretched to our absolute limits. Fighting and screaming at each other when the other one doesn’t get it. Then apologizing and trying to see the other ones point of view. Being in a love bubble when nothing can bring us down. To crying in each others arms. Looking for answers to the big questions of life together. Being each others biggest cheerleaders in life, business and our careers. Standing by each other when things aren’t so great. Choosing love over all else and showing up for each other each day. With some rocky days particularly over the past few months we have come together and shown each other how much we want this marriage. How much we are choosing to do life together and support each other. How we will pursue our hopes and dreams together over the years to come.

Mummy and Daddy love you so much buddy and we were thinking of you today as we celebrated our anniversary. 

Its ANZAC day. We awoke at 4:30am to go to a dawn service by one of our local beaches. Both my Grandad and Greg’s Grandad served in WW2. They were both very young and I can’t imagine what it would of been like. During the service they spoke about how many soldiers come back from war zones and they have ongoing mental health issues, alcoholism and PTSD. They told stories of wives that had supported their partners for many years through many tough times. It was an quite emotional sombre service. I have never liked the idea of war and conflict but I know it is a part of live on this earth currently. I am so grateful we live in a safe country and I am grateful for those that have served for our country. I would have liked to see more representation of women at the service. Not one woman spoke. In the armed forces today in Australia there are 15% women. There are also many aboriginal soldiers that went to war for Australia who don’t get recognised at services like this. Our country needs to keep doing better when it comes to respecting and honouring our indigenous people and our women who have and are serving.

Hamish I hope you were hanging out up there with your great grandads today. 

I filmed at video for Gidget House today. I told our story and explained how much talking to others about my emotions and grief has really helped. When my life was turned upside down on the 9th of September last year I needed everyone’s support. Greg, my family and dear friends, our angel social worker Deb and then my psychologist. When you are walking down one path and it all turns to sh*t (excuse my French) you feel so lost. I didn’t know how to grieve. There is no guide to this kind of thing. I didn’t know how to deal with our loss or the stress it had put on my body. The only thing I did know how to do was talk. I have always been good at expressing myself that way. I did have to learn how to cry though and be more vulnerable. In order to get the support I needed I had to speak up. I had to allow others in. The day after I gave birth a little voice in my head said you have to write how you are feeling down. Do it each day. This blog has been another one of the tools that have helped me on this path. I am still learning how to grieve. Getting sick I was worried I had held on to some emotional stress which lead to the shingles. Who knows though I am trying my best to be kind. Sometimes our bodies have to let stuff out in different ways.

Hamish I could feel you there supporting me as I spoke about you in the video today. 

When I drop into my heart space today it feels very confused. I feel so much lighter these days but now there is a new confusion. It is around where I am going. I am doing my best to walk down a path that is in true alignment. I also know walking this direction is not easy. I can make a choice to stay in my comfort zone or I can keep waking up each morning with more courage to step outside of it. I am choosing to step outside of it. I want to keep growing. The growth I have had in the last seven months is hard to compare to anything else I have ever been through in my life. I feel like giving birth to Hamish was also giving birth to a new me. I am getting to know that new me and I am trying each day to live a life full of joy. I am asking questions about whether everything in my life currently serves me in a positive way? I am pondering the meaning of life? I standing up for myself and what I believe in. I am doing my best to help those around me who are struggling or going through the same kind of thing. I know there is no perfect answer to any of the questions. I will keep asking them though. I will promise to live in Hamish’s honour and be true to myself always. Life is too short to live it half heartedly. I am all in on this rollercoaster ride and I am giving it all that I have.

Hamish I love you so much

We were gifted a beautiful print dedicated to our beautiful boy today. My friends gifted us a print that is measured to the size of Hamish at 50.5cms. It was a beautiful gift that will go up in our apartment. I feel like it is Hamish’s way of saying I will always be around you at home. You can see my up on the wall Mum and Dad. I know he is always around. Just as they gave Greg and I the framed print a white butterfly flew past. I know Hamish is with us always. The hard part is that it isn’t in the physical form. It isn’t a normal mother and son relationship. I do feel so close to him. I feel like he guides me each day and watches over me. I feel like his essence flows through my writing and other creative endeavours I have. I am still wondering why he only came for a short time. I do know that he wanted his life to matter. He wanted to make the most of having me as his mum. He wanted to help other families going through this kind of loss. He also wanted to raise awareness for stillbirth and break the taboo of talking about it in our society. It blows me away sometimes with how awkward this conversation can be. Some people hate speaking about it. Or they are so worried you might cry or they will upset you so they don’t say anything at all. I don’t blame people for not wanting to talk about it. It is a sad topic of conversation. I believe though that having this conversation is so important. We can’t shy away and only talk about butterflies and rainbows literally and figuratively. We need to face up to the darkness of life and know it is all ok. As exciting it is to have joy in each day, the sadness is also a blessing. There needs to be the yin with the yang otherwise what would one be without the other?

Hamish you are so beautiful and I am glad to have another beautiful print in our home to remind us of your strength and grace. 

We met up with our lovely doula Jenna today for brunch. It was nice to see her and catch up with what has been happening for her. I was guided by Hamish to have a doula. I knew I needed one. Jenna was our extra support person throughout my pregnancy and Hamish’s birth. Having a doula is so amazing. It means you have another person in your tribe to help you with birth preparation and the labour. I will have Jenna by my side next time around. I know that surrounding yourself with the right people really makes a difference. I felt surrounded by love at Hamish’s birth. It was the hardest thing I have ever done physically, mentally and emotionally. It stretched me to my absolute limits. I didn’t know how I would make it through. I did though. Here I am, still standing just over seven months later. I am feeling good and that is due to the support I have been given. I have also showed up for myself and done the work. I have been working on my own stuff ever since. I know life isn’t about a destination and I am working on enjoying the journey more. The space in-between, where you don’t have things figured out. I am trusting and surrendering to what comes my way. I am also opening up to listen to messages from the universe, spirit, Hamish, God and mother earth. I am open to being a channel to allow what ever needs to come through.

Hamish I love you to the moon and back always

The number 222 is a reminder to keep the faith. Trust that I am in the right place at the right time. I know I need to trust that my angels and guides are supporting me each day. I have had a real feeling of surrender this week. I keep having little reminders showing me that I have all that I need and more. I have no reason to feel fearful. I am always taken care of. No matter how things are going I will always have a roof over my head, clean water to drink and dinner each night. My basic needs will always be met. Now I am trying to figure out the meaning of life and being in the drivers seat of where I want my life to go. I want to face my fears. I intend to keep living my life in alignment. I am more mindful now and present in each day. I believe that is what helps me check in and know it’s ok where I currently am at. I know that the more I trust the universe to have my back the better. The more that I believe things will flow effortlessly the more they will. I believe in miracles. I believe in magic. I believe life is happening for me not against me. I believe that we are all on our own soul journey’s with different lessons to learn.

Hamish I miss you

 

I forgot my steroids that I am supposed to be taking and my ear has started to hurt again. I didn’t even realise how much they were making a difference until I didn’t have them. I am healing well though and I have been feeling a lot better this week. I have edited the final copy of my book today. I stopped off at a little cafe in the morning to go through it all. Now the book cover design needs to be finalised and then I will be ready to share it with the world. I have a desire to go and speak at hospitals and also to social workers and midwives about how important the aftercare is when you lose a child. I know first hand what worked for us and how I felt being in that situation. I want to share this book online and in face to face forums. Since my brother in law is a training OB I will also go to his hospital and have a talk with the social workers there. I know this book is needed. I know Hamish would be looking down on me so proudly. I do this all for him. I do it for all of his angel friends and all of their grieving parents. The motherly love I have for him has been poured into this book.

Hamish I love you so much 

I’m in Newcastle for my friends book launch. Katie and I have been a part of the same blogging group for the last four years and to see Katie’s book being published is such an huge achievement. I am so proud of her, as she has worked so hard to get to this moment. It also inspires me even more on my writing journey. I am so excited to be celebrating tonight with some of my soul sisters. Katie and I only met last year in person for the first time. We were both pregnant and on a transformational journey of our own. Katie is a single Mum to two beautiful boys and what she has achieved in her life so far is nothing short of amazing. She gave birth to her second son a few months before Hamish was born. Katie inspires me so much with her strength and vulnerability. Katie has suffered through anxiety and has written her story through it all. By showing up and being vulnerable on her blog has helped many over the years including myself.

I really love the vibe here in Newcastle. I went to Merewether beach for a walk and meditation and it was very calming. The waves were so big and ferocious and the beach was empty with only a few people walking by. I meditated with my eyes open. Watching the waves roll in towards me. I asked mother nature what is the right path for me? Where should I go next? The answer I got was simple. There is no right or wrong path to go down. What ever twist and turn I move towards is the ‘right’ one. I need to trust that I will be led in the ‘right’ direction. I have been putting pressure on myself to make certain decisions. Go down a certain path and have my life figured out. I am not used to working solely in my business. I am not used being out of the 9-5 grind and I am not planning on going back there. I am getting more comfortable in this ‘in-between’ space where I currently am.

Hamish I love you so much. I can feel your presence today. When I feel close to nature is when I feel close to you.