Author: Jodie Matthews

It’s hard to put into words what this past weekend has meant to me. It was a time to slow down and sit in ceremony for 2 days with some really lovely soul brothers and sisters. To go along with my darling Greg was also really special. We haven’t sat in ceremony like this together in a group before so I was excited to go on this journey together. When my friend Adam Rubin let us know he was running this Awaken workshop I knew that it was where we were meant to be. Greg and I have been through a rollercoaster ride of many different emotions these past months which have tested our relationship. We are both committed to growing together and opening our hearts more each day. This workshop was a collective creation of love and kindness. It was a chance for us to get back to our true selves. A chance to remember who we really are and what we stand for. A chance to reflect, move and start to embody a new perspective. To choose love over fear.

The meditations Adam took us through helped deepen our understanding of where we try and run away from our intuition sometimes. It helped me be truly present in my mind, body and spirit. It helped me tap into my channel and remind me that I am on the right path. The breath work was so powerful as was the movement we did on the last day. We danced, sang, cried, listened, spoke, laughed, hugged and felt so supported. I also felt a deeper connection to what my mission is. My Why. These past months have shown me how magic life can be when you are lead by your intuition. I know Greg and I walked away from the workshop stronger than ever. We had our own breakthroughs personally and it’s also help us connect on a deeper level. I believe sitting in ceremony is so powerful. I do it daily on my own. Coming together in a room with like minded souls takes it to another level.

I love you Hamish. I think about you when I am growing and pushing out of my comfort zone. I know this is what you want for me.

You are free

Free to fly through the air

Free to float through the sea

Free to walk this earth

Don’t look for signs

Feel them as they arrive

Know these feelings will continue to guide you

They will send you where you need to be

You may feel like this path is wrong at times

You may feel like it is the opposite to many

Know that you have to be brave

Trust and surrender to your truth

What is true for one may not be for another

What is true for you may change

All you can do is keep walking

Keep breathing and nourishing your body

Allow spirit to flow through you

All your ancestors to speak through you

All yourself to feel immense joy

Play through this life and expect miracles

Hamish I know you came here to help me be brave and live my life the way I always should have. I love you.

I ran into the ocean as soon as we walked on to the sand. The sun was still rising above the clouds. I am so grateful for this day, this beach, the ocean. Swimming in the ocean takes me into full presence. As I dive under each wave I am in the here and now. Today Greg and I are diving into the Awaken workshop with my friend Adam Rubin. It is a workshop focusing on ceremony, breath work, meditation and movement all to bring us back to our truth.

Today was all about love. In the cacao ceremony I felt my heart open more than before. I focused on letting go and sending loving kindness to myself and all of those around me. I truly believe how we treat ourselves is a full reflection of how we treat others. If we put huge expectations on ourselves to be perfect we probably do that to our family and friends. If we have negative self talk all the time and are critical of everything that can also lead to us doing that to others. I want to love every cell in my body. I am grateful each day for all that I am and all the love that surrounds me. The meditations and ceremonies today reminded me to come back to this always. I don’t have to be a perfect weight or look a certain way before I accept myself, I don’t have to have a fancy job or booked out business before I feel successful, I don’t have to be everything to everyone. I can show love and be love. I can make a choice of love over fear in each moment.

It was such a beautiful group of people who came together for the workshop. All for different reasons and in different stages of our lives. One thing we all connected deeply on was being authentic and vulnerable. It takes vulnerability to build trust. You have to break down the walls and allow others to truly see you. Greg showing up today and sharing his truth was so encouraging to watch. I was in awe of him as I knew this was well out of his comfort zone. It makes me so happy to know he is committed to forgiveness, growth and pushing past fear. I see him in a new light today. I see what is mirrored back to him from the others in the group. I am grateful that this wonderful man is my husband and we are on this journey of life together.

Hamish I felt you there with us today. I know you are watching down over us and want us to keep learning and growing in this human life. We thought of you a lot today and shared you with the group. I had your picture with me to remind me of the love you radiate. The love that flows through me.

Today we shared our story at the Gidget Foundation ladies lunch with over 1500 women. The video was shown with me telling our story of losing Hamish and how I felt about going to get help. I never knew how to deal with my grief. I bought every book I could and read so many blogs of other women who have walked this path before me. At times I have felt lost and very sad. I did go and speak to a psychologist at the Gidget House. The lovely Christine helped assure me that I was doing all the right things. She helped me navigate through making some big decisions. When you go to a really dark place you start to second guess yourself. You start to wonder if things will get better. It’s coming up to eight months.

I know my grief isn’t something that I will get over in a period of time. I’ll always carry Hamish in my heart. It’s more about how can I gently live life in my new normal. How can I start to come back to my truth and love more deeply. How can I be the best version of myself. How can I make Hamish and Greg and myself proud. Life can be messy. I am wishing and hoping for Hamish’s siblings to come along soon. I need to surrender to the universe. Falling pregnant is a miracle. It will happen when it’s meant too. I trust and know that.

Hamish I could feel you there with us today. Your daddy held my hand so tight while the video played.

I got dressed up in corporate work clothes for the first time in a long time. I went into the city to a women in business event all about launching and pitching. It was on the 28th floor overlooking Darling Harbour in the St George offices. It was so nice to catch up with some of my friends I haven’t seen in quite a few months. It was nice to be inspired by so many women running their own businesses and also in corporate. I walked into the room and within a few minutes I could feel the tears welling up. I know it only takes a few words but when you speak to someone heart to heart it is really special. I then had the opportunity to tell the table I was seated at about my business and what I am all about. It felt good to come out of my apartment, dress up and head back into the big city. It felt good to share my business and also hear the stories of others. As we were nearing the end of the lunch the fluorescent lighting and the air-conditioning set to 19 degrees was reminding me of what it was like when I would sit in an office for 8 plus hours a day. It reminded me how blessed I am to be able to take this chance and work on my own business. It was comforting to see women 5-10+ years in on this journey that had made it work. They are successful entrepreneurs who stuck with their ideas, they backed themselves and allowed others to also support them.

Thank you Hamish for allowing me to walk this new path. It is like I needed permission to leave. It took so much for me to get to this place and without you I wouldn’t be here.  

I’ve had two early starts so today I decided to sleep in for a bit today. My body was calling for it. I’ve come off the steroids now from the shingles so I’m adjusting back to normal. I have felt very productive these past couple of days. I got through two modules of the PR course I am completing, finished a final edit for the book now I just need to get the cover finalised this week. My heart feels lighter this week. I feel like my energy is shifting. I do know there are some dates coming up that I don’t really know what to do with. One of them is Mother’s Day. I want to celebrate being a mum. It’s just not the same as it would have been with Hamish here. I know I am still a Mum. I gave birth to a beautiful little boy. We created him and I nourished him in my womb for nine months. I wish I didn’t feel like less of a mother though. I walk through the shops or along the footpaths while other mums walk past with their prams. They probably look at me and think she is without child.

It got me thinking what makes a mother? I believe you don’t need to give birth before you are a mother. You don’t need to have a biological child to be a mother. If you have had a miscarriage you are still a mother. If you have had a stillborn child you are still a mother. You could be a mother to your siblings. A mother to your friends. A mother to your dog. There are no rules. I believe I was a mother from a young age. I mothered my little sisters and brother. I was always the older sister who looked out for them. It’s only recently where I took a step back from that role and have just become a sister I could see it. I have allowed them to support me these past seven months. I was a mother figure to some of my friends. I was a motherly figure at work and would make sure everyone was taken care of. It has always been my nature.

A bereaved mother is still a mother. We might not look like your typical Mum but we have all the same worries. We have the same motherly love for our child. We think about our children all the time. We worry if they are safe and looked after. We hope that their spirit is free. We ponder what they would have been when they grew up. We look out for signs from them. We want their life to mean something. We want to comfort other mothers going through the same thing. We are more present in our lives. We have deeper conversations about life. We know when the next child comes along we will continue to be the best mother we can be. We know that life is short and what really matters in life.

Hamish I love you so much

I am still feeling very energised. I started the day with my PT session in the park. It makes me feel good that I am getting stronger and fitter each time I exercise. I spent the rest of the day writing and working on the PR course I am doing. I have to evaluate my mission in my business and my ‘why’. It is an interesting exercise that brings up a lot of emotions. I deep dived into my heart space and truly asked for my ‘why’? It came up as two seperate ones but they both lead to the same kind of thing. Through my coaching I want to help women to suffer less. I want them to have a more harmonious relationship with themselves and own their worth. This comes from having a difficult childhood were I saw my parents suffer a lot mentally and financially. I saw my mother go through physical and mental health challenges for years while bringing up four children. I don’t want other women to feel alone on their journeys. I want them to feel empowered around their self worth and finances. Financial stress can be one of the worst kinds of stress put on a family. I want to help educate others and allow them to be free from this kind of stress. I also want to help women going through the loss of a child. Hamish has showed me that if you have the right support when you go through something like this you have a much better chance of recovering well. If you feel less alone and have the support of other bereaved parents it makes a big difference. Like anything any of us go through in life when we have other people to relate to that just get it, it helps immensely. The book, the charity work I am doing and my blog are all things I want to continue to work on. I realised my ‘Whys’ have come from the hardest times of my life not the happier times. The struggle is what drives us to be better.

Hamish thank you for inspiring me to live my life with more passion. Thank you for helping me come back to my true nature. 

It’s a surge of energy through my body today of new beginnings. I feel refreshed and ready to take on some new projects. My energy is higher than usual. Ive just come off the steroids for my shingles and I thought I would have less energy. The full moon in my sign of Scorpio has arrived. I feel lighter and grateful for all that I have been through. I know if someone told me this is what is going to happen in your life these past seven and a bit months I would have done everything to avoid it. I always tried to avoid pain and suffering. I know now that it is part of life that we all go through this from time to time. It’s not fair. It’s not easy, it does however have a silver lining. Without pain there is no pleasure. Without suffering there is no strengthening. We all have bumpy roads in different ways. Something small to one person could be a catalyst for so much pain in another. Based on our subconscious that runs the show most of the time it can reap so much havoc. There is so much joy in life. There is so much love. I see more love around me than ever before. I feel so protected and I know I can get through whatever comes my way. That doesn’t mean I won’t ever have a breakdown. It means I will get up with a grateful heart each day and be who I truly am. It means I will walk through life with more conviction in who I am and what I stand for. It means I will stand up for what I believe in and listen when I make mistakes. It means I will keep showing up and being the best version of myself I can be.

Hamish I love you

The sound of the birds chirping and the soft glow of the sun rising woke me up slowly this morning. We drove to the Friendly beaches which was a short trip around the corner. We walked along the sand looking out to the ocean as the sun peeped up from the clouds. I have never seen another sunrise like this. The beach was all ours. The clear water was dazzling with the sun’s warm glow. Each step I took I felt more peace wash over me. We walked up and down the beach and decided to stop at some rocks for a meditation. It was like the rocks were formed for us to sit down upon, gazing out to the sea before us. I love meditating with someone close to me. Greg being present and willing helps. He doesn’t do it every day but sometimes we sit together. I guide us through some breathing exercises and a guided meditation to begin with. We then let our minds rest and listen to the waves crashing against the rocks. There is not another soul for miles. We both soak up the earth and oceans wisdom. I feel grateful to be here in this moment. As we walk further up the beach I write Hamish’s name in the sand. I feel he is here with us. Something about sunsets and sunrises and their beauty. Being close to nature. Finding some quiet time in my day. All these things bring me closer to my son.

We go back to our house in the bush and make breakfast. I boiled some water for my tea and sat in awe of my surrounds. This week has shown me that it is ok for me to take a break. I have had this small thought that keeps popping up. You shouldn’t be having this much fun. You should be doing some work. What about the course your doing? You need to work on this and that. I take a deep breath. It’s Monday tomorrow. There is always time for emails, course work and everything else. I remember there will never be another day like today. I remember that I’m not running a race. I’m not living at the same pace I was this time last year. I have taken it down a few gears. I’m happy at this pace. There is more joy in my days. To ease my worries I spent some time on my flight home writing up a weekly plan. I want more routine in my days going forward. I have really enjoyed the time out for the last seven months and it has been a critical part of my healing. Giving myself permission to have time and space to grieve is what I needed. Now I am craving a little more structure. Working in my own business as a start up is awesome. I get to set my own pace and days. I have decided four days on and one off during the week will work for me now. Friday’s will be my freedom day to do what I please. I intend to keep my days spacious and flexible so I have created that. I have set times for my meditation/creative time/play/client time/planning and admin.

I haven’t cried in a week. I am not saying this is some kind of achievement, I just realised sitting on the plane home. I think this is just an indication of where I am at. I am feeling good. There is more joy in my days. I still feel frustrated and angry at times and sad and upset. The happier times definitely outweigh the sad ones. I know my boy is safe wherever he is. I know my life is richer for having him. I know my love for Greg is growing deeper each day. I know my own self love and worth is also appreciating. I am kind to myself and others. I am being the best kind of mother I know how to be. I am day dreaming of what it will be like when we have our future children. I am taking in each day and grateful for what I have. There is no rush to get to a certain place. Where I am is perfect. I am happy with this moment. Sitting here on the plane home with my lover beside me.

I love you Hamish

We walked down to Wine Glass Bay this morning and hiked back up the mountain. It was one of the most beautiful bays I have ever seen. The sand was white and the water was crystal clear with layers of turquoise, green and blue. I felt so blessed today knowing that I get to see this amazing place. I feel blessed that I am alive, I have my health and my loved ones. After the walk we stopped of at a cute little café by the water in town. Carrot and ginger soup was our choice for lunch. We stopped at the convenience store to pick up some marshmallows as we have a fireplace and we want to toast them tonight. I feel so relaxed here. The water is so clean, the air is so fresh, the sounds of the bush that surround us are so calming. A little kangaroo joey came up to the house this afternoon. He just stared at us both curiously. The house feels like it is in the middle of nowhere. It is on 200 hectares of bushland. I feel like it’s just us and the roos out here! We toasted with some pinot noir from a local winery tonight and I cooked us a nice meal while Greg made the fire. I love days like today.

Hamish we felt your presence around us today on our walk.