I’ve had two early starts so today I decided to sleep in for a bit today. My body was calling for it. I’ve come off the steroids now from the shingles so I’m adjusting back to normal. I have felt very productive these past couple of days. I got through two modules of the PR course I am completing, finished a final edit for the book now I just need to get the cover finalised this week. My heart feels lighter this week. I feel like my energy is shifting. I do know there are some dates coming up that I don’t really know what to do with. One of them is Mother’s Day. I want to celebrate being a mum. It’s just not the same as it would have been with Hamish here. I know I am still a Mum. I gave birth to a beautiful little boy. We created him and I nourished him in my womb for nine months. I wish I didn’t feel like less of a mother though. I walk through the shops or along the footpaths while other mums walk past with their prams. They probably look at me and think she is without child.
It got me thinking what makes a mother? I believe you don’t need to give birth before you are a mother. You don’t need to have a biological child to be a mother. If you have had a miscarriage you are still a mother. If you have had a stillborn child you are still a mother. You could be a mother to your siblings. A mother to your friends. A mother to your dog. There are no rules. I believe I was a mother from a young age. I mothered my little sisters and brother. I was always the older sister who looked out for them. It’s only recently where I took a step back from that role and have just become a sister I could see it. I have allowed them to support me these past seven months. I was a mother figure to some of my friends. I was a motherly figure at work and would make sure everyone was taken care of. It has always been my nature.
A bereaved mother is still a mother. We might not look like your typical Mum but we have all the same worries. We have the same motherly love for our child. We think about our children all the time. We worry if they are safe and looked after. We hope that their spirit is free. We ponder what they would have been when they grew up. We look out for signs from them. We want their life to mean something. We want to comfort other mothers going through the same thing. We are more present in our lives. We have deeper conversations about life. We know when the next child comes along we will continue to be the best mother we can be. We know that life is short and what really matters in life.
Hamish I love you so much