Lucy is nine months old today. It is hard to believe she has spent the past nine months outside of my womb. Nine months of breastfeeding, Nine months of waking up several times a night, Nine months of cuddles and kisses, Nine months of big smiles and giggles, Nine months of trying to figure out parenthood to an earth side child. I have transformed in this time. My heart it lighter. It beams with love for both of my children. I sit in gratitude for all that I have today in my life. I am conscious of soaking up each moment. I am also starting to find my groove again. I am finding myself back on the yoga mat more often, I even went back to aerial yoga this week. I am starting to write again and spend time on my creative pursuits.
I have been tuning into my heart over the past month and I have a yearning to do more in the world. I know we both have our soul missions here on this earth. I know that if don’t listen to the nudges of my heart I won’t feel complete. While lying in the cocoon of my sling at aerial yoga in shavasana a little voice whispered in. You have to write your book. There are a few books swimming around me and I know I really want to birth them into the world. I am going to use the time I have over the next few months to honour this and write. I will need to sit and write through nap times and evenings. I know that it is worth it. Expressing myself creatively is what fuels my soul. I also know I am a better mother when I am looking after myself.
I have been torn over the past few weeks thinking about the future. Thinking about what I will do moving forward for work. None of this needs to be figured out right now. Before I gave birth to Hamish I had so much certainty in my life. I worked for the same company for twelve years. I lived in the same suburb for around eight years. I had financial security. I didn’t worry about much. Now I have less certainty. I don’t know what I will be doing next. We have our precious Lucy now which also makes life less predictable. I know that life doesn’t have to be all figured out. We don’t have to have all our ducks in a row. If we don’t know where we are heading next that is ok. I know in my heart I have to trust that the right opportunities will come my way. I know I can trust that everything will work out.
Hamish thank you for always guiding me back to my heart. Over the past few weeks you have visited us regularly through our friendly kookaburra on our balcony. I have felt your presence around me. I know you are walking life besides us in the spirit world at times. You check in to make sure we are ok. Kindness surrounds us and I feel your love does too.
Thank you for being here and holding space on this journey with me. Every person that has read my blog and connected with my heart over the past two years has made my grief journey that much easier. I feel blessed that I have been able to share and connect with so many. I have started a new blog over at http://www.jodiematthews.com if you would like to continue reading my words.