As I sit here at home I am pondering the last two hundred days. There have been many moments of joy and laughter. There have been deep pits of sadness and grief. I am here with empty arms, missing my little boy. I know that I will always feel there is an empty part of my heart that yearns for Hamish. For who he would become in this world. I know though that he has been living through me, each one of those days since he departed. He has given me the strength to carry on, to write this blog daily, to tune into my intuition, to speak up and be a voice for stillborn babies, to give more love to myself and others, to put a book together for parents experiencing loss, to quit my job, to be true to myself, to find more purpose in my life, to slow down, breathe, learn the art of meditation and practice it, be more grateful for what I already have, to be more curious about life and death, to be ok with crying my eyes out, being vulnerable, to allow my body to heal, travel to Thailand and around Australia, many ocean swims, star gazing, solo bush walks, time to think, yoga, pilates, dance, music for my soul, cacao, nourishing food, deep soulful conversations, cutting through all the BS, embracing who I want to be, giving less of a f&*k about things that don’t matter, not taking things personally and above all how to be a mother. A mother to an angel in the sky. A mother to a beautiful boy who’s spirit lives on. A caring, nurturing mother, wife and friend who more than anything wants to live a peaceful life.
Hamish these two hundred days have seemed like an entire lifetime all over again. I feel like I have learned more about life than ever before. I know you choose me and I choose you. I know I am blessed to have had you with me for the time I did. Thank you my love.