I Am Still Born

Gratitude is the best state I can be in right now. There are moments of sadness in my day. I have noticed though when I take a moment to feel grateful my heart warms up. It makes me realise even though life hasn’t turned out the way I planned I still have a lot to be grateful for.

My health, my home, clean water, a comfy bed to sleep in, my loving husband, my kind family and friends, my precious photos of Hamish, freedom, the nature that surrounds me, the ocean, the gorgeous spring weather, the nourishing food I have to eat, hugs and kisses, soft tissues for when I cry, a voice that I can use to speak up on about Stillbirth, ability to write my story and share it and being surrounded by love.

Hamish I love you.

Today the memory box above arrived which I ordered for Hamish. This is where I will be putting the precious items that belong to Hamish. Photos, locks of his hair, his hospital tag, his last jumpsuit he was wearing before we changed him into his kilt, a special bunny, a cardigan grandma knitted for him, his birth certificate, footprints and handprints, a candle from his funeral. All of these ‘things’ are what I have physically left of my little one.

I will treasure each memory I have of Hamish. The moment we found out I was pregnant, the first ultrasound at five weeks where we could see his heart beating strong, finding out at 10 weeks we were having a little boy, countless days spent at the beach, swimming in the ocean, speaking on stages, working in my corporate job where I created a loving environment in my office for Hamish including essential oils, a himalayan salt lamp and crystals. Yoga and PT sessions outside, lots of loving Aunties and Uncles whom I had lots of conversations with on what we thought Hamish was going to be like as he grew up.

The day of his birth. The joy when his head finally came out after 2 hours of pushing. The moment he was placed on my chest for me to look down in awe at my beautiful son. The joy I felt seeing his daddy hold him for the first time. The sadness I felt when the delivery room was silent. The moment my social worker asked if I wanted to give my son a bath. The Heartfelt photographer who came in and took family photos for us. The moment my family and close friends came to meet him at the hospital. The moment my 87 year old Pop held him in his safe and comforting arms. The moment I walked into my sons funeral holding him in my arms. The moment I said goodbye and goodnight. The moment Greg and I walked up to the end of the Chapel and laid his woollen nest down and watched as the curtains closed. This was it. Our final goodbye. A small part of me knew though in that moment it was only the beginning and Hamish would be in our lives forever.

Hamish I will always remember each of these precious moments.

Hamish was always going to be my perfect little angel. I stare at photographs of him and it reminds me of how beautiful he was inside and out. It reminds me that his beautiful soul is still with me each day. I got a call from the lady making Hamish’s Porcelain urn saying that it had collapsed in the kiln and she had to remake it. I wondered if this was a message from Hamish saying he wanted his ashes scattered. We want to eventually scatter them in to the ocean as we know this is one of his happy places.

While pregnant I spent a lot of time swimming in the ocean, lying in the sand and going for lots of long beach walks. Hamish would love it when I would float along with the waves. I always felt so connected to him when I was close to the water. When a loving new friend sent a quilt her mum had handmade for Hamish with dolphins on it I knew he had whispered to her that’s what he wanted.

I know Hamish is gently guiding me each day. I feel his presence but I miss him physically so much. His big kicks and squirms in my belly. The time we would have together each night before I went to sleep. Greg and I would always talk to our little buddy. Telling him about what life was going to be like. Telling him how much we loved him and couldn’t wait to see his face. Telling him that mummy and daddy were so excited for cuddles and that he had come at the perfect time.

The love we felt between the three of us was so strong. An unbreakable bond was being developed and I know our little Hamish felt safe with us as his parents. We travelled across the country and all the way over to New Zealand during my pregnancy. We even hiked up Mount Maunganui. I know that Hamish helped me get up that mountain. I know he felt the crisp coastal air through his bones. I know he was at peace in my womb. I wrote in a pregnancy journal most days too. I still haven’t been able to bring myself to open and read it. I will treasure it though and when I am ready I will spend some quite time going over each of the pages.

Thank you Hamish for making our family of two into three. You will forever be our precious son.

Do I have permission to feel joy? I have pondered this for the last 37 days. Can I have joy in each day? Should I feel guilty if I have a good laugh? Do I have permission to feel happiness? The answer is yes to most of the above. I may not feel it all day long but to have small pockets of happiness each day really makes me have hope.

After tragedy and great loss we tend to feel guilty when we are trying to get on with our lives. I believe that Hamish is with us everyday. One thing my angel mum and dad friend mentioned was that they didn’t want their daughter to be looking down on them and to see them suffering through life each day. They know their daughter would want them to have happiness, to sleep well, to be healthy and eat well. I know Hamish wants his Dad and I to grow from this, to find joy, have gratitude for life and live well. I know I can make him proud by making the most of each day. By being kind to others, by sharing our story, by getting up with a smile on my face, by crying when I need to, by exercising and eating well.

Another thing that has helped me find joy is listening to others stories of grief and loss and how they have worked through it. I have been listening to a few podcasts over the last few days which have given me some new perspective. Particularly listening to the pregnancy loss podcast and the Oprah super soul sessions. I will link below to the episodes that I have really connected with. These podcasts are worth listening to if you are going through any kind of loss. They have given me hope and also some comfort knowing that there is a light at the end of this. Also that grief is circular and there will be good moments and bad ones, there will be days that are better than others. There is no time line for my grief.

Hamish thank you for allowing me to find joy again. Thank you for watching over your mummy and daddy and guiding us towards the light.

http://www.pregnancylossjourney.com/episodes

Episode 2 and 31 https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/oprahs-supersoul-conversations/

 

 

 

I had lunch with some angel mums at the beach today which was nice. We bonded over our birthing experiences and how the hospitals treated us. I realise how amazing I was treated during this time and that there is a large variation of experiences. Some women don’t get a dedicated social worker or understanding midwives. Some don’t have great doctors and are treated like any other patient. Others are wrapped in cotton wool and comforted each step of the way. I was one of the latter.

I believe more education is needed around how to handle a stillbirth through our medical system. From doctors, midwives, nurses and GPs. I had an interesting experience at my local GP today. She obviously hadn’t been exposed to anyone that has had a stillbirth as she had no idea. I told her my little boys name was Hamish and she was taken a back. Just said ‘Oh so you actually named him?’. I felt like saying of course I did you silly woman. My baby had a funeral, has a birth certificate and is registered as a birth just like any other baby. My baby looked like any other baby in the maternity ward he was just missing the cries, tears and breath. Just because my baby didn’t get to take his first breath doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve to have a name or be remembered.

The GP then told me to keep busy, stop thinking, as thinking didn’t get anyone anywhere. Well let me tell you I will not be taking mental health advice from someone who says to stop thinking and from someone that is shocked I named my precious little baby Hamish. I will also not make myself so busy to numb my pain. To pretend it doesn’t exist. Last time I checked when you bottle up emotions and not let them out it doesn’t do anyone any favours. I will continue to feel all the feels. I will allow myself to cry when I need too. I will allow myself time to think and ponder life. I will honour my baby boy Hamish and remember him for the amazing person he is.

Thank you Hamish for enlightening me to the need for more awareness and education around stillbirths. I will do my best as your Mum to spread the word. This will start with an email to the GP explaining how stillborn babies are still born with a bunch of links to relevant articles that should increase her awareness.

Thank you Hamish for allowing me to share you with the world. I know you came to me so I could spread the awareness of stillbirth. I know you will continue to walk the path with me to help break the taboo and silence around stillbirth. 

6 babies in Australia each day are stillborn, that is 6 too many. Some are healthy babies that could have been saved. There is evidence that counting the kicks and pregnant women having a better understanding of how they can monitor foetal movements can saves lives. I wish for every pregnant woman to know how to monitor movements. I wish for every pregnant woman to be able to speak up and have the right medical care when needed. I wish for each woman to feel empowered during their pregnancy. I wish for every pregnant woman to trust and follow her intuition.

There are many things to come and I can already see how Hamish has changed so many lives. I know this will continue forever. He was here for 9 months but his legacy will last more than a lifetime. He picked me for a reason. He knew I would have the strength to speak up. He knew I could handle this. While my heart is breaking I know I can always honour my little boy. I shared the photo above on Facebook of Hamish today and photos of the remembrance walk that we did with other Angel mums and dads this afternoon. Today was international pregnancy and infant loss day. Around the world we not only remember the little ones gone too soon but also spread awareness that stillbirth, miscarriage and infant loss matters. It shouldn’t be a taboo subject where mothers and fathers suffer in silence.

Hamish I will continue to listen to you. I will always be here for you as your loving Mum. You can talk to me any time and I will hear you.

p.s. If you want to know more about stillbirth please have a look at these links:

http://stillbirthfoundation.org.au/stillbirth/

http://stillbirthfoundation.org.au/prevention/

http://www.mamamia.com.au/pregnancy-loss-grief-support/

http://www.bearsofhope.org.au/a/276.html

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/oct/09/stillbirths-very-private-grief-parents-breaking-taboo

 

Kindness is something I have always been fond of. I love being kind to others it is just part of my nature. One thing I’m not as comfortable with though is receiving it. Hamish has taught me I need to learn how to receive gracefully and not feel like I have to give back in return. It has been a hard lesson to learn.

The kindness that has surrounded Greg and myself during this time has been unbelievable. I have been so blessed with so much love. From a text message, to a listening heart, flowers, home cooked food, meal vouchers, cards, lifts, time, necklace, bracelet, love heart charms, letters, a quilt and candle, crystals, essential oils, cuddles, thoughts, prayers, a picture frame with a beautiful quote, care packages and hampers, chocolates, messages, emails, Facebook and instagram love. Each one of these acts of kindness has touched my heart. Each one has shown me how amazing life really is. Each one has helped me smile through all the tears. Each act of kindness has filled me up. We shouldn’t underestimate how much kindness can lift someone up when they are going through a difficult time.

Thank you Hamish for showing me how truly kind people can be. Thank you for allowing me to accept and receive all of the love and help over the last 34 days. I will continue to be open to kindness and also share it wherever I go.

 

I’m tired. I’m shattered. I want my baby back. I just think about what could have been. I think about what is. I try to be present in the moment and know Hamish is still walking through life bedside me.

It’s hard sometimes being a Mum to an angel. You try your best to get through each day. You try your best to see the light. You try your best to connect with your little one once they are gone. An old Work friend just confided in me that he lost his little girl at 39 weeks over ten years ago. He speaks to her everyday. This gives me hope knowing I can always talk to Hamish. This also gives me hope knowing our relationship will continue to grow year on year.

I love you little one. You are my special angel for life. I can’t imagine life without you.

I have one of my dear friends visit today. We talk about how much Hamish has changed our lives. I love hearing stories of how Hamish has changed their perspective on life. For a little one he has impacted so many already. I know this was his purpose and he will weave his way through my work for the rest of my life.

I listen to a podcast with Bronnie Ware. She wrote the book on the ‘Five Regrets of the Dying’. I can honestly say Hamish left this earth with no regrets as he had the most amount of love. He always knew light. His journey this time to earth was one of comfort. He didn’t know much pain. He was more loved than most are in their lifetime. This gives me peace.

In the podcast Bronnie talks about her next book on surrendering. I know that part of Hamish’s purpose was to teach me and others how to truly surrender. We can’t go through life wrapping ourselves up in cotton wool. We can’t protect ourselves from pain and suffering. This is all part of the human experience. It is ok to feel pain. It is ok to cry. It is ok to fall down and get back up again. We have to surrender to what comes our way.

Hamish you are pure love.

I’m at home on my own most of the day. I have time to just ponder. I sit and listen to some of my favourite music and just rest on the couch. I spend time just being still. This is just what I need right now. I am so grateful I don’t have to rush back to work as I just need to allow myself to grieve. I feel the most free I have felt in a long time.

Hamish gave me the gift of time. Time to figure out what I want in my life. Time to work out what is really important. Time to explore my dreams. To read more. To write. I feel so blessed and I won’t waste one minute. I have decided to take a trip to the Gold Coast in a few weeks to do some training with a couple of my inspiring mentors Alexi Panos and Preston Smiles. I have also thought about doing some meditation teacher training. I ask Hamish each day if I am heading on the right path. He assures me I am.

Hamish thanks for teaching me how to use my time more effectively. How to share my grief and joy openly. How to grow from this and cherish our new relationship. Although I can’t cuddle you right now I feel so close to your soul.