I Am Still Born

Today I am exhausted. After a big weekend and lots of events my body needs to rest. I sleep in and allow myself to take it easy. I have nowhere to be today and nowhere to go. It is a nice feeling. I am still working through what the last few days mean. I know I am following my heart each day. I know there is so much more of this life for me to live. I have to keep trusting. Trusting that life will work out the way I want it to. I need to Trust myself. That is the biggest thing really. Trusting I will have the answers within. I don’t need to go to someone so they can give me the answers.

We have some of my close angel parents over for dinner tonight. It is so nice to connect with them. I show my friend all my angel cards and animal spirit cards. We choose some cards and read out loud what they mean. I believe these cards can help give us something to focus on when it comes to our healing. They can allow us to be more vulnerable and open to messages. They can help us become more self aware and know what to focus on. I think we are all in different stages of our journey. No matter what we go through in life there is always things we are healing from. Whether it is something that happened in childhood or yesterday. I believe healing is something we should all focus on. Healing our inner wounds that no one can see are sometimes the hardest. Its funny though as the ones that no one can see end up being the worst. They can turn into illnesses or outbursts that manifest from keeping it all in. I know myself before Hamish I controlled my emotions. I held onto my internal hurt and wounds. He came to me so I could let them go. So I could feel them and release them from my body.

Thankyou baby boy for helping me on my healing journey. 

 

Last night I went to a sacred dance party. Yes, after Pilates and a kayaking adventure I went to a dance party. Crazy I know. It was a sacred goddess dance party with no alcohol or anything. It was all about connecting to the music through our body. It was about receiving the music into our souls and letting it take us on a journey. It was a dancing meditation into the depths of our hearts. That is the best way I can describe it. Susana Frioni ran the dance party and it was very a special event.

It started with us standing on the spot and just feeling the music. Then we started to move freely throughout the studio. I felt so free while I was dancing. I felt my goddess within rising as the music went from song to song. I felt like I journeyed into one of my past lives. I felt like everything was happening for me. I realised out of all the people I have met in this lifetime, some I have met before. This time they are only supposed to be in my life for a short time. They come back to connect then go on there separate journey. I can also feel Hamish’s presence in one of the songs. It moves me. I feel like he is right here giving me a big hug. It is truly amazing when you let go. My intention for the dance was to let go. Let go of everything that no longer serves me. Let go of the old me. Let go of what I feel people want me to be.

Hamish I love you so much.

This was one of those days that was hard to put into words. This week I have been feeling uneasy. I have been second guessing myself and feeling insecure at times. I guess it is just where I am at. Sometimes you just have to go with the feelings that come. It does make me feel down though. I feel like I don’t know what I am doing with my life. I question everything. I start to wonder what I really want to do. I have had a few times where I have cried this week. I needed to let it out.

I went to my Pilates class in the morning feeling a bit down and left feeling so full of energy. I decided to go and visit my Pop whom lives around the corner from me on the harbour. My Uncle was there and we decided on a whim to go for a Kayak in the harbour. Greg came along too. We walked down the back of my Pops and launched our Kayaks into the water. I felt so free being on the water. There was so many jellyfish and fish swimming beneath me as I paddled through the water. There were beautiful iris’s flying around from mangrove to mangrove. We decided to paddle across the harbour and an hour later we made it to a little beach. I pulled up first and jumped out of my kayak. I look up and there is a little while butterfly fluttering around me. I know its Hamish. Saying hey mum keep having fun. It took Greg another 10 minutes to make it along to the beach.

Three hours later and we made it back to my Pops. We jumped out of the kayaks in the mangroves and shallow waters as the tide had gone out.  A few steps later I fell into a huge mud pit. It went all the way up to my thighs. I screamed thinking that I was just going to keep going down into the mud. I pulled myself out and my legs were covered in thick mud. All I could do was laugh. Greg was about fifty metres away and he thought something had bitten me! I felt so good after our little adventure. It reminded me that we need to go on more adventures like this. I love being outdoors and exploring new places. I love the feeling of connecting with nature.

Hamish thank you for guiding me to have more adventures everyday.

 

 

Intentions, core desired feelings and what I want 2018 to look like. I spent the day with some soul sisters journaling and meditating on what I want my year to look like. I wasn’t really feeling into setting intentions on my own but having a group of like minded ladies to do it with really helped. We talked about each area of our lives and how we wanted to feel when it comes to our health, spirituality, relationships, and business. I realised the main way I want to feel this year is open, vibrant and free. Freedom is a big word for me. Since Hamish I have felt more free to be myself than ever before. I don’t need to conform to a corporate structure right now, a certain way of doing business or living my daily life. Having freedom to create the life you desire is a privilege that we have here in Australia. We are lucky in this life that we have the options to choose the life we want. When you feel trapped in what you are doing and don’t feel like its going anywhere there is always other options.

I believe that writing out what we want our best life to look like is what can get you closer to living it. I have a few non-negotiables for the year ahead. Each day I want to have space to meditate, write, be grateful, cuddle time with Greg, connect with nature and have some time alone. Weekly I want to dive into the ocean a few times, move my body doing exercises that I love, honour how my body is feeling, go on an adventure, spend time with my soul sisters connecting. Monthly I want to visit a new place I haven’t been to before and do something that scares the sh*t out of me. I am going step up this year and be more aligned with my own values. I am going to choose love above all else. I am going to continue to open my heart space to others.

Hamish you are so loving. I am lucky to have a son like you. 

The full moon has come and now it is wanning Gibbous. I have started my moon cycle in line with the moon. This is called a red moon cycle. I have heard this can relate to women that are healers and that are creators. Birthing businesses, arts or a new way of life. It is all very true for me right now. I am in a creative space birthing many new projects to the world. I am feeling driven to create more and work with women. I have my first workshop of the year coming up in a month. I am getting prepared for it before I go away on holidays. I know I want this to be a beautiful space for women to be seen. For them to set heart centred intentions for themselves. I want them to see the value of their worth. I want them to be able to live abundantly. I want to allow them to be present and enjoy each moment of their lives. Celebrate their achievements and commitment to learning.

I am going to follow my intuition this year and let it lead the way. Instead of what ‘I should’ be doing I want to make sure how I am spending my time feels right. I have so many dreams and visions and for them to come to life I am really going to have to trust myself. I decided that TRUST is my word for 2018. I want to trust that life will work out just the way it is meant to. I want to trust that the more I follow my heart the more joy I will have. The more I trust in my own gifts the more I will be able to share them with others. Trusting that my little boy is watching over me and that the right time will come for his siblings. I trust that when I live guided by love my relationships will flourish. I trust that when I nourish my body and move it each day it will feel vibrant. Trust that the universe has me covered. It knows when and how things should be.

Thanks Hamish for helping your mum trust herself more. 

 

We spent the day hanging with my sister, her hubby and my two little nieces. They are the sweetest little gals and I love them so much. I have bonded so much with my almost two year old niece in the last few months. Her hugs and smiles have helped heal my heart. Her love is unconditional. I have a few special little ones in my life and having their love around me during this time has allowed me to be more present. To be more grateful and to play more. As adults we forget about how to live our lives in play. I am determined this year to play each day.

Play to me looks like dancing around my apartment, floating in the ocean, playing eye spy on road trips, running around with my niece, watching star wars or any other random movie that is not a documentary, painting, star gazing, cloud watching, meme sharing, deep belly laughs from terrible jokes from Greg, singing at the top of my lungs, writing, being super competitive playing board games, riding a bike, bush walking, rock jumping into the ocean, whale and dolphin watching, building sandcastles, picking an animal spirit card or angel card out for the day.

Hamish I promise to play more this year.

I have pondered what my intentions are for the year. I have thought about opening up my planner for 2018 to get stuck into how I want my year to look. Instead my heart is saying slow down. There is no rush. Let yourself ease into this year with grace. You can plan all you want and set your core desired feelings. The truth is you know that your intuition will guide you this year. You know your soul will lead you in the right direction. It is just about tapping into your souls voice so that it can speak clearly and you can hear it. I know you want another child. I know Hamish’s siblings will come when they are ready.

Go with the flow. Listen to your heart. Live with intention but don’t get stuck trying to control everything. Be fearless in the pursuit of your souls purpose. Open your heart space each day with meditation and presence. Live from your heart. Show yourself the love you deserve by setting the boundaries you need to. Let go of things that don’t serve you this year. Be confident that sending some things away this year will open up space for more important work to be created. Know that you have something special to be shared. We all do. We all have the inner gifts. It is our choice what we do with them. I will choose this year to share mine. To live in Hamish’s honour by being of service to others and myself.

I’m done sitting on the sidelines as a spectator. I am done waiting for the perfect timing. I am done contemplating and thinking. If not now then when? How can I manifest the life of my dreams if I am sitting here in inertia. I need to act. I will promise to keep showing up through my coaching, writing and workshops this year. There will be times where I will feel afraid. I know that I am heading in the right direction when the future is a little scary. I cant step out of my comfort zone without this fear of failure. It is always going to be there. I guess that will be my challenge this year to really embrace that sick feeling of ‘oh crap am I really doing this’.

Hamish keep guiding your Mummy to step up

Hello 2018, we haven’t met before. What is in store for us with you I do not know. What I do know is we will try our best to make the most of you. There will be days where I won’t feel like getting out of bed. There will be others when I feel on top of the world. I am going into this new year with a very different perspective on life. I don’t give a shit about things that don’t matter anymore. I am learning to believe in myself more. I am trusting that things will work out just the way they were meant too. I am committing to living a more intentional life aligned with my values. This year I will focus on creating a wonderful life. I will foster my healing and make healthy choices each day. I will move my body more. I will find joy in small pockets of each day. I will cherish moments spent with my loved ones. I will be present. I will write and pour my heart on to the page. I will honour my beautiful son Hamish’s life. I will share my book with mothers who need it. I will cry when I need to. I will play and let my hair down more. There are no rules anymore. This will be a fresh start. Bring it on.

Happy New Year my little one. I love you. 

 

Life is so full of unexpected twists and turns. It’s how we react to these which forms our reality. My year has not turned out the way I thought it would. It is however one of my happiest years yet. I felt the most healthy and vibrant. I felt at home with myself. I stopped overanalyzing and criticizing myself. I was so grateful for the abundance that continued to show up. I released old patterns and thoughts that did not serve me. I surrendered to each day. I became closer to Mother Earth and all of her beauty. I gave birth to a new me and my first child. I held my beautiful son for hours in a few short days. These moments will be cherished for a lifetime. I had more deep soulful conversations than ever before. I trekked down to the lowest lows. My heart was cracked open and into a million pieces.

I picked myself up and poured my heart onto the page in to this blog. I didn’t run or hide from my pain. I embraced it and held it for the time that I needed to. I then released all the emotions through tears, screaming, dancing and laughter. I loved deeper and received more love than ever before. Life was always working for me. When things got hard the right people showed up in front of me. I was always cared for. My family and friends held me, hugged me and gave me their love. They kept me warm when I was overcome by the darkness and the winter of my year. They sang out in joy with me in my happiest moments. They rejoiced for they knew Hamish’s life this year was such a precious one. They knew this year would change me forever.

Hamish you are pure light. When I think about the immense joy you brought into my life I sit here and smile. I am feeling sadness in some parts but overwhelmingly joy and happiness for the year that was. Today one of your Aunties left a blessing for you of flowers and a candle down the Ganges river at the birthplace of Buddha. I know you would have felt her blessing. Know that the love we all have for you spans around this world. 

What does radical honesty mean to you? To me it means not just being honest with my loved ones when I speak my truth each day. It means ultimately being honest with myself. Owning who I am in each moment. It means having conviction around what I want in my life. It means following my dreams. It means not denying myself opportunities for fear that I may fail. It means going all in. Putting myself out there for others to see me. Being open to hearing the truth from others. Showing up as all of me in each moment. Being the person I have always wanted to be. Listening in to my intuition and choosing it’s path. Not judging others or myself. Being truthful when it hurts the most. Looking in the mirror and allowing myself to feel whatever comes up. Feeling super vulnerable when I see someone I know on the street as I know they know how I feel. Going out into the world again as the new me. Being unapologetic about the life I lead. Doing things that are hard and out of my comfort zone because deep down I know they will lead me to light. Remembering where I came from. How the struggles of my life don’t define me. How the triumphs don’t either. How in every moment I have a choice. I can choose love above all else. I can choose radical honesty for myself.

Love you my boy.