I Am Still Born

The rain is crashing down on the yoga hut I am staying in. It’s so heavy I can’t even hear myself breathe. I feel protected by it. I know I am in a safe place. I arrived at the yoga centre in the afternoon and started my meditation teacher training. I have always wanted to deepen my meditation practice and in turn also help others find theirs. I also intend to do my yoga training at some point. Byron Bay is one of my favorite places in the world. It has something special about it. They say some kind of healing energy. It’s perfect to come and nourish your soul here for a few days, months or even years.

Our first meditation lesson started with a discussion around what is NOW? I have read the power of NOW by Ekhart, I know the power of being in the NOW. But what is it? Are we thinking in the NOW? Is there any presence in thinking? Apparently not. NOW is only here due to our senses. We can hear the rain pouring down, we can smell the wet grass and trees, we can taste the salty ocean water, we can feel the ground beneath us, we can see the nature in front of us. This all brings us to the NOW. There are only two real things in life that bring true presence. One is adrenaline fueled activities like skydiving or even surfing. You are concentrating deeply on what you are doing. The other is meditation. How can you not be here NOW with either. Meditation isn’t always easy. It is easier than jumping out of a plane though.

Hamish thank you for sending me on this path to discover the NOW.

Today we drove up to Byron. The first thing we did when we got here was go for a swim. It is the hottest day here. Well its 32 degrees which I think is pretty hot. Each day that passes I realise how far we have both come. I realise how much laughter there is now. I realise how much more aligned our life is. We are living moment by moment and doing things that really light us up. I used to live my life people pleasing. I am so glad we have made the choices to honour ourselves first. We went out for a beautiful seafood dinner near the beach at a new restaurant called Ryce. Of course a trip to Byron isn’t complete without at least one celebrity sighting. Guess who sits down to dinner at the table next to us? Bernard Fanning. Straight away Greg is like ‘Hey Mate’.

Hamish thank you for allowing your Mum and Dad this time to reconnect.

For the rest of the evening I had this song on repeat in my head! 🙂

 

Today I got out in the ocean and surfed some waves. The feeling of jumping on a wave and trying to stand up is so much fun. I had some lessons over the last couple of years and I can’t wait to practice more. Surfing requires a lot of concentration but at the same time is so peaceful. You feel like you are at one with the ocean when you catch a wave. I decided that I am going to learn to Surf properly this year. I have at least another four months of decent beach weather before it starts to get cold in the water. It is like meditating in the ocean. You focus on the water and your thoughts slow down.

We then head to our other friends place near Coffs Harbour. They also live on one of the most beautiful beaches. Again Greg and I look into each others eyes and say why don’t we do something like this? Pack up our lives in Sydney and move up the coast. Our friends moved up here six months ago and they look so relaxed and happy. Their cute dog is loving life. I mean who wouldn’t when you get to spend your mornings walking through the sand and running in and out of the water.

Hamish I know how much you loved the ocean. I think of you every time I am in the water.

We drove up to our friends place near Forster and stayed there for a night on our way to Byron Bay. As soon as we got there we went down to see the local beaches and lookout. It is so beautiful to see new beaches I haven’t visited before. We then played a few games of Finska and had a really lovely dinner overlooking the ocean. I realised in that moment that we all have choices. Greg and I kept looking at each other thinking we want to move to the beach. This is a little sleepy town so I don’t know if we could move this far out of the city. I do know that soon enough we want to live somewhere we can walk to the ocean for a swim in the morning.

The ocean calms and grounds us. We feel so much peace when we spend more time there. We are blessed to already live so close now with only a twenty minute drive to some of Sydney’s most beautiful beaches. I know this is a year where we will make some changes. We might end up renting out our apartment. Or looking at what other options we have to move our life closer to the beach. The more time I spend outside the more I feel so much more peace. It is amazing what our mother earth does to our soul. She is always supporting us.

Hamish you are so loved. 

Have you ever been touched by music so much it makes the tears flow from your eyes. I haven’t before today. Lastnight we went to a concert with Nick Broadhurst and Melissa Ambrosini. Nick’s music touch’s your soul and every cell of your body. I was holding hands with my love listening to the song ‘The One’. After all we have been through in the last four and a half months I couldn’t stop thinking about how blessed I am to have my one. He held my hand as I gave birth to our son. He has held me each time I have cried since Hamish passed. He has helped pick me up when I’m feeling down. This man has been my rock. More than ever before I am so in love with him. I am so lucky to call him my husband. We have had rocky times but now I know he is always there for me. I know he will be there to catch me as I fall. We have been through a lot together and I am so glad it’s only brought us closer. As I listened to the words they touched my heart. I couldn’t stop crying. I was crying happy tears of love and joy. Losing our son was the hardest day of our lives. Now we walk forward together to a brighter future. We go forward knowing we always have each other’s back.

As our love grows stronger for each other it does for you too my boy. 

Today I am sharing my heart on a podcast. I did an interview on the Pregnancy Loss Podcast eight weeks after Hamish was born. It got released today. I listed to it at the hotel before my flight and it had me in tears. Happy tears though knowing how far I have come in a short time. It is really scary sharing your heart so vulnerably but I felt good doing it in Hamish’s honour. I know if I can help one other mother who is going through this then it was worth it.

Christy who started the blog and podcast is so inspiring. She lost her daughter Chloe in 2016 and has been channelling her grief and motherly love into helping other loss mums since. The podcast helped me in the first few weeks feel less alone on this journey. It is really soothing to hear how other women have dealt with losing their child and how they navigate through grief.

Check out the episode here:

 

I had the most fun today I have had in a long time. We booked a day tour of the Angthong islands which are about an hour away from Koh Samui. We took off on a speedboat and it was a smooth ride for the most part. Since I get seasick I was really happy that it wasn’t too bumpy. We get to the first lot of islands and jump in to the water for a snorkel. Our guide takes us around the reef and we see so many colourful schools of fish. The fish don’t seem fussed with us and just swim by. After about half an hour in the water we spot our first reef shark. It’s about 2 meters long and it looks friendlier than I expect a shark to be. Then there is three of them swimming below us. A big one swims through the coral near us and Greg screams in his snorkel ‘f**k’ out loud into the water,  the shark couldn’t get away any quicker. The shark was much more scared of us than we were of him.

Next we went to visit a Beautiful limestone salt water lake. It’s green water and lime stone walls that surround it are so untouched. It’s nice to see a part of the islands which is protected and a national marine park. Next stop is James Bond island and we go for a kayak around the islands. We had a double kayak so it meant we had to paddle in sync. It took us about half an hour to get the hang of it. We couldn’t have two captains of the ship. I listened to Greg from the back of the kayak and we did our best to not fall out.

We got back to the hotel and after what was such an amazing day I started to feel a bit sad. There are always parts of my day when I am smiling knowing Hamish is happy where he is. That he wants us to have that happiness too. There are also parts of my day where I miss my baby. I miss everything about him. I miss what could have been. I miss the family holiday we wanted to take. I miss the smiles I never got to see. I miss being able to cuddle and kiss his precious face. Tears roll down my cheeks and I say to Greg it’s not fair. I don’t get to be a Mummy to my boy. I’m left here feeling empty without him. All I wanted was to be the best Mum I could be for him.

Hamish I love you so much.

In Buddhism they believe that our lives never end. Yes we leave the earth plane but we carry on in other places depending on how we have behaved in this life. They believe our spirit carries on and can be rebirthed in the human form over and over. One of my new Thai friends told me Hamish will be back. He will come back to me one day. I can only think that this may be true. I don’t think he will come back as my child though. I don’t believe my next child has the same soul and spirit of Hamish. I believe that he will be rebirthed maybe many years to come. I trust that whatever realm he is now in that he is safe.

We went the Big Buddha and a few other temples around it today to pray for Hamish. We were blessed by a Buddhist Monk who gave us lots of good luck for our marriage and future children. Spending time at the temple made me feel peaceful. I prayed that Hamish is ok wherever he is. I prayed that his spirit is at peace and he is free from any pain. I have forgiven myself and Hamish for leaving. I know that this time on earth he was only needed for a short time. I can’t change that and I am accepting it more each day. There are so many unknowns in life and times where we have to surrender. Before I thought controlling everything and protecting myself was the best way to live. I have realised now I was only living in fear. Fear that the worst may happen. It pretty much did. Here I am four and a bit months later still standing. My heart and body is still recovering. I feel so much stronger now. Like I can take anything on. I have been pushed way past what I though my limits where.

Hamish I pray for you. I pray that you are safe and feeling loved. 

Today we have decided to have a chill out day by the pool. I needed some days to do nothing on this holiday. Just to sit still for a moment. Not have anywhere to go. Be able to just fully relax. I realise how many times normally in my life before Hamish I never gave myself this time out. I always had to be doing or achieving something. What I have now realised is that you can achieve so much more when you have given yourself time to rest. Time to ponder and allow your thoughts to come and go. I have also tried not to read too much. I want to give Greg and I time to reconnect and enjoy each others company. We spend the day watching clouds roll over our villa and swimming in the pool. We have so much love for each other. I know Hamish has only made our bond even stronger.

I love you Hamish. 

Oh my heart beats for you

I can hear it getting louder each day

Through the stillness

I can feel it pumping through my chest

 

That moment I saw on the screen

One heart beating

It tore me to pieces

It felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest

 

I will cherish forever

The feeling of two hearts beating next to one another

There is nothing like it

 

I would do anything for your heart to beat again

I know you had to go though

I know there was other things for you to do

I know you needed me to be strong

I will forever be in your service

I will always think of you

 

Each beat that my heart takes will be in your honour

I will be grateful for all that I have

I will be free

I will watch the clouds pass by each day

I will dive through the salty ocean water

I will gaze into the night sky at all the stars

Knowing you are all around me

 

I don’t walk alone in this life

I have an angel that walks beside me

I will give you the best life my love

Only you will know how amazing it will be