Author: Jodie Matthews

It is International Women’s Day is today. I appreciate today as it sheds a light on the inequality that still exists today between Men and Women. I believe that it is something that should be discussed everyday of the year. There is so much inequity in our society and it is not just about gender. I know though how lucky I have it and I am so grateful for all the women who’s path I travel through after. I am so grateful to live in such a beautiful country. I have all that I need and I am always grateful for that. I wake up each morning in awe of the simple fact that I safe, warm and have clean water to drink. I spent the day at home today. I decided to put together a vision board. My friend Nerida shared hers with me and I thought why not put one together. I feel like I have been doing a lot of mindfulness and meditation. Now I want to start visualising the future I want to create. It is much like my present. It is all about creativity, peacefulness, connecting with nature, slowing down, writing, connecting with Hamish, bringing another beautiful soul into the world, play, freedom and above all LOVE. Love in my relationships with others and towards myself.

Speaking of love I went to the hospital on my way home from the city yesterday and met up with my beautiful angel of a social worker Deb. We talked about love, life and loss. About what has been going on for me in the last few months and how I am going now. We also share a vision to help women feel less alone when they are going through loss. I am so in awe of what Deb does everyday. She helps many women each year who go through this unimaginable loss. She rarely has a day off and she makes a commitment to help us through long after our loss. I know that I will continue to help Deb with the work she does. I will make sure I continue to speak up about my experience as many don’t have the support I did. Many don’t have a good experience in the hospital or after when they are at home. I feel so blessed for the love I have around me. I feel so blessed for the love I have from Hamish. He continues to give me the strength to keep going.

Hamish thank you for bringing so much love into my life. 

On the eve of International Women’s day I was invited to a few events. I spent the morning at Google learning about how to grow my online business. In the afternoon I had a lunch with CPA celebrating many women in business. It was the first time I have seen a lot of my CPA friends. It was confronting at first as I was scared to be in a room full of people I knew. What I realised though is the love and care I got from everyone was so comforting. I felt surrounded by love. I know now I can go back in to the world as my confident self. I am now a mother. Things have changed. I am more at peace with myself. I am not striving to be an over achiever as my friend Jess so kindly put it today. She said “you did so much before and you achieved so much”. I said “I know but it was to the detriment of a lot of things. I would put everything else first, my friendships, relationships, responsibilities then I would come last”. I distinctly remember chairing an emerging leaders conference while I was around seven months pregnant. I was sick with a terrible cold but I pushed through. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. I got up on stage and spoke and coughed my way through the day. All while in-between sessions doing my day job remotely. I pushed myself to my physical and mental limit. I didn’t think to slow down. I will never let myself end up like that again. I don’t want to over achieve anymore. I want to be happy and just live my life. If I achieve great things that will be a bonus. I will not push myself into burn out.

Hamish thankyou for helping your mumma to slow down. 

Yesterday was such a big day. I needed to have some quiet time today. I am feeling so much stronger after going out into the world. I don’t know why I built it up to be so big. I think it is the fear of crying in public and maybe feeling awkward when people ask me how I am. I am feeling good though. I am feeling more at peace. I still have a fragile heart. I still cry often. I do feel more joy though than I have in a long time. I have a knowing that everything is just how it is meant to be. I am more present than ever before. I am listening to my souls voice. I am living from a place of love.

Hamish I love you so much. I could feel your presence with me today. 

I have realised now that I don’t need to have it all figured out. I can wake up each morning in gratitude for the life I am living. I am at peace with my life. I know that I am where I am meant to be. I know that all I can be is love. I need to be kind to myself and others. I need to treat myself how I would treat a friend. Self compassion is so important especially when your on a healing journey. I spent so much of my life people pleasing and making choices out of fear before. I chose to do things out of obligation instead of wholeheartedly wanting to do them. I am making a promise to myself to be present each day. To tune into what my soul needs and to make choices out of love for myself. If it is fear or ‘a should’ that wants me to do something then I will acknowledge it for what it is. I will accept that I can’t always get it right. I can however be the best version of myself possible. I can be of service and follow my passions.

I have two things calling me right now. One is to help women through their grief. I know it can’t be fixed with a magic pill. I do believe though there are things that can help women who are suffering after losing a child. I believe if I can share my story then I can hopefully help a few others going through this. I am also being called to help women back to the present moment. To be able to live a more fulfilled meaningful life. To slow down and tune in to themselves. To be intentional with their time, money and energy. To live a passion filled life where their know their worth. I believe I am here to spread this message of love and kindness to ones self. I have had many lessons along the way. I am still very much learning myself. I have realised now though, all it takes is small actions that can lead to massive changes. I am going to run beginners meditation classes. I am opening up my coaching books for one on one clients also. I will finish the book and have the first draft done in the next two weeks. I will also continue on my own healing path. I am working on being more loving to myself.

Today I went into my office for the first time in six months. I felt so much emotion walking in there. I am extroverted and I work with many people in my business. I have formed so many close friendships over the past 12 plus years that I have worked in my company. It was tough walking back in and I couldn’t help myself but be overwhelmed by tears. I got lots of hugs and also smiles from everyone. I know they have all been sending their love my way. I know I am lucky to have amazing work friends. They all put in for a big food delivery voucher for us so that we could have dinners made without having to worry about them. While I don’t know what the future holds when it comes to my old corporate life. I am grateful for all the love and support I have had over the years. I am also grateful for the friendships I made and still have today.

Hamish thank you for surrounding us with so much love and care. 

Today I went to the farmers markets with Greg in the morning. We picked up some fresh organic produce for the week and also some pretty white roses. I also may have stumbled across a little store selling singing bowls from Nepal. I purchased one. I want to use the singing bowl as part of my meditations so it was perfect when I came across their market stall. The girl was super friendly. Her husband was an accountant previously and he quit his job to sell Nepalese singing bowls. You can read about their story here. It made me realise that they found something beautiful they wanted to share with the world. It is now their passion to sell these bowls and share their magical sounds. I bought a gold bowl that was in the note of E. It is for opening the solar plexus. I realised that you can really create anything you want in the world if you follow your heart. You don’t have to be tied down to a job that you don’t love. You can go out and sell singing bowls if that is what your passionate about. You can do anything.

Sunday is always a reminder of you. I think of you everyday. I know you are with me in spirit. 

It is a full moon tonight in Virgo. Hamish is a Virgo so tonight I am thinking of him even more. Greg and I decided to have a quiet night at home. We ate dinner on the rooftop of our apartment block then decided to go up later when it was dark. We lit a candle for Hamish and meditated under the full moon. Greg isn’t really into meditation but he will give it a go every now and then. We did some candle gazing first before doing a silent meditation. I know I could feel Hamish up there with us. The moon was hidden from us by the thick grey clouds. Once our meditation was over we opened our eyes to the brightness of the moon, it was peaking out behind the clouds. I let the tears roll down my cheeks. I told Hamish last night how much I love and miss him. That I hope he is in a good place. I hope that he is safe. When we went to bed my heart was racing. I have had this feeling most nights this week. Dr Google tells me its normal. It just means my sympathetic nervous system is on alert. I used some lavender oil on my chest and it helped me fall asleep.

Hamish I love you so much

Lastnight I had my first session with my friend and fertility coach Jolinda. I decided to work with Jolinda for the next three months to focus on my health and wellness. To ensure my self care in ramped up and I am feeling good. I believe investing in support is one of the best things I did to help me with my grief. From going to see the lovely Tureko at Endota spa for massages to Personal Training sessions with Chris at Naked Health. My lovely yoga and pilates teacher Tatiana at Evolvere also helped me out with some one on one classes to focus on getting my core strength and pelvic floor back. I also went to the support group my social worker angel Deb ran for three months. I have surrounded myself with people who lift me up. Friends who are not afraid to see me cry and that will cry with me if that is what I need. I am lucky to have amazing family support too. I am so grateful for everyone who has reached out far and wide. I am grateful for my new angel parent friends who have helped me see the light. Who have listened to my concerns and worries. Whom just get it when I am having a bad day.

Hamish thank you for surrounding me with so many positive and uplifting people during this time. 

I feel like I am ready to go back out and step into my old world. Next week I am meeting up with some friends in the city and will attend a lunch for international womens day. I also have a half day training at the Google office in the city to learn more about managing my online business. I feel like I am slowly getting back into things. It feels good. Writing for me has been something I have enjoyed so much in the last five months. There is so much more I want to create and birth into the world. I also got started on my ebook draft. It is coming together so beautifully. I know how much this book is needed. I am writing it as if it was to me when I was sitting there in the hospital maternity ward. I am writing it from one mother to another. I am also so grateful for all the amazing souls that have also contributed their stories of love and loss. I am so proud of the resilience that these mothers have. They are my heroes. I also saw a beautiful Instagram photo of Laura from “Link and Luna” today which melted my heart. Laura lost her precious Link at the end of 2016. She has just given birth to her second son Finn. He is so gorgeous and I am so happy for her. Seeing the joy of a loss mum give birth to a healthy baby gives me so much hope. It fills me up with so much love knowing there is life after loss. I am sure Link is looking down over his little brother in awe.

Hamish I can’t wait to meet you siblings. 

Today I took things slowly. I know there is no rush for where I am going. There is no special prize when you get to the end. It is all about the journey. My meditation practice each day reminds me of this. All we have is right now. All we know is here in this moment. The past is gone and the future is yet to be written. I know in my heart that part of my souls work is to bring others in to the present moment. I want to help others find presence. Find a peace within themselves and more meaning for their lives. We are told by advertising that happiness and peace can be bought. We are told that we are not whole and full if we don’t own a fancy car, house or clothing. Or if we don’t have what society deems as a successful job. I worked so hard in my career doing something that looks very successful on the outside. There were days where I enjoyed it. There were many that I would question myself and ask is this all there is. It isn’t my souls calling. I know I was put on earth for much more than to be a good accountant. I fed my inner child’s need for security by getting this safe job. Now it is time for me to take a chance outside of that. See where my soul leads me too.

Hamish I have you to thank for so much. You have allowed me to connect in with my soul and see the world through a different lens.

Today I put together a little video of our journey. This was our 9 months of fun with our gorgeous Hamish. We travelled to Brisbane, Perth and New Zealand. We spent many days walking along the beach and swimming in the ocean. We even climbed up Mount Maunganui in the North Island of New Zealand when I was five months pregnant. We shared in the joy of finding out my sister was also pregnant just over 6 months through. There were many fun times had over Hamish’s time on earth.

Click on the link to see our video