Author: Jodie Matthews

Ok universe I get your message loud and clear. I need to slow down. Just because I meditate daily doesn’t mean I can go go go all the time. Even though I don’t feel like I’ve been doing too much maybe I have. I am listening in now and tuning into whatever is in store for me. I don’t want to be unwell and I know lots of rest will help me recover. I still can’t move one side of my face. This is not ideal. From what I’ve read this isn’t something you get over in a few days. If it takes a while I promise to listen and take things slow. I will honour my body the best way I know how. I will continue to nourish it with healthy food and movement each day. I will wake up grateful for all that I have. The drugs they have given me are working and I am not in constant pain now. I feel like I am on the mend. Spending some time in the sun today was also nice. I am making sure I get out for some fresh air each day and have a little walk around. Just being careful not to smile at anyone with my half crazed look that I’ve got going on right now!

The nurse asked if I had been under any stress lately. I said not really just a cold. I told her about you Hamish and she looked at me with sad eyes. I told her it’s not stress it’s grief. My love for you grows stronger each day. The little black butterfly I saw in the hospital gardens today was a nice reminder you are close. I know you are watching over me always.

So the antibiotics are still not working. I am in quite severe pain. I woke up this morning and now I can’t move half my face. The nurse said its probably just part of the ear infection. I have a gut feeling it’s something else. My ear is killing me. The specialist does his rounds and he is a bit stumped. He says ‘Gee I wish we had some medical students around today. They could learn from this.’ I feel like I am on an episode of House. Except I am not and I just want to know what is going on. He comes back in the afternoon and proclaims ‘I know what you have! It’s a rare form of shingles!’ OMG well at least we have gotten to the bottom of it. Now I know why the antibiotics haven’t been working. I needed antivirals and steroids instead. I am now nervous as I start googling what this all means. It says that the facial paralysis can last a week to a year or longer. I am hoping since I am young and healthy I will be smiling fully in a week. They want to keep me in for another couple of nights to monitor my face and ear. I feel relieved now I know what has been causing all the pain. I haven’t slept for the past four nights because of it. Tonight I am hoping I will get some respite. I am grateful for our medical system and the hospitals here in Australia. I have been moved to my own room now as I could be infectious. My parents came to visit today and gave me some hugs which was nice. They also gave me a herb garden. It has all the hospital staff intrigued! They think its a wonderful gift. It also means my room smells of fresh mint, rosemary, thyme and oregano. My Nurse on duty aka Husband Greg has also been by my side most of the time since I got here. He is a trooper and I love him so much.

Hamish I can feel the love you are sending me from above.

Back in hospital for the first time since Hamish. I am feeling sore as the ear infection has been getting progressively worse all week. I am going to be on IV antibiotics for a day or two and they hope that it will get on top of it. I miss Hamish. Sitting in emergency overnight I have been watching the worried parents come through the doors so that their children can be looked at. It makes me think of him. I don’t get sick very often and being at the hospital makes me feel even sicker. It was the fact I couldn’t sleep and the pain was getting so bad that made me decide to come. I think Greg was also fed up from me moaning all night from the pain. They have diagnosed me with an infection in the cartilage of my ear and it’s good I came in as it has to be managed through IV antibiotics or it can get really bad. A lady sits across from me in the emergency department. We start chatting about life, love and children. I let her know about Hamish. She looks at me and says dear ‘I don’t think you will ever get over it’. Things will get better but your heart will always hold a little pain for your boy. I agree, I know things will get better though. Life has been great lately, but nothing or no one will ever replace Hamish.

I love you buddy. Please send me some healing love from above.

Today I rested and tried to get back on track. The doctor prescribed me antibiotics for my ear as it doesn’t seem to be getting any better. I normally much prefer natural remedies but this time I’m in so much pain I’ll give the antibiotics a go. Something about feeling unwell also makes me feel down. I watched a few episodes of ‘Call the Midwife’ and one in particular which showed a stillbirth. It’s season 4 episode 2. I cried my eyes out watching it. I find it therapeutic though as it’s been a while since I’ve had a good cry. Even though it is a fictional TV series it brings me right back to the moment I lost Hamish. It brings me back to when I knew the look on the midwifes face was full of dread when she couldn’t find the heartbeat. I knew before she opened her mouth he was gone. The look on her face said it all.

I am so grateful for the care I received from all the midwives at the Mater hospital. They have a very special and rewarding job. The days where things don’t go to plan are the ones that define them. They pull it together when they want to break down crying with you when you find out your baby has died. They put on a brave face and help guide you through birthing your baby. Shedding a tear or two on the ward when they chat to you about your little one. They held him and gave him lots of cuddles on the ward. Looking down at his precious face. Giving me a hug when I needed it. Letting me know that everything was going to be ok. Telling me their own stories of loss they have personally been through or of family members and friends. Being kind and treading carefully when I couldn’t pull it together. Sending Hamish off when he was leaving for his funeral all dressed up in his baby kilt. They were in awe of my precious angel.

I love you Hamish. We were so lucky for the amazing care we had in the hospital.

I woke up this morning feeling a little off. I have had a bit of a cold the last week and my ear is now sore. I don’t know if it is from swimming for four days straight in the ocean or my cold. I am feeling down for a friend today who is going through a loss. I am feeling sad that another little soul decided to leave the earth early. I know that this happens more than most people realise. I wish we could talk about it more openly in our society. To give more support to the parents more that are going through this kind of loss whether it be miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss. I have chosen to become a Gidget Angel as they requested if I would like to share my story and be a voice for loss parents. Some people believe it is good to pretend it doesn’t exist, or feel that it is too painful to speak about. From what I have noticed though particularly as someone who has been through a stillbirth loss, is that most parents want to talk about their children. They want them to be acknowledged by family and friends. They want their child’s memory protected and to live on forever. There wont be a day that goes by that they don’t think of their precious child. So if you know someone going through this please ask how they are going? Ask them how they feel today? What they most love about their child? What miracles have happened since their loss? Have they had any signs from their child? How is the grief in their heart? I know these questions aren’t easy to ask. Even just mentioning their child’s name in conversation is enough. Just because our children aren’t here physically it doesn’t mean we don’t still want to acknowledge their monthly milestones, birthdays, Easters and Christmas’s without them. They will always be a part of our families.

Hamish thank you for sending all your loving strength to us

Today I was woken up by my energetic two year old niece. I wandered into her room while she was crying out just after six am. Her teeth have been bothering her the last few days with her molars coming through so I thought I should get up to play with her. The first thing she says every morning is PLAY, I want to play. It is her top priority. The day is measured on how much fun she can have. I love her attitude. Greg and I spend a few hours in the morning playing trains, singing the alphabet, etch-sketch, kitchen fun, making pretend breakfast then eating real breakfast. We decide to take her down to the local beach park for some more play. I am sitting here in the sun surrounded by all these excited kids. I know Hamish has put us both here. We are so grateful for today. We are making the most of this long weekend. The rest of the day was spent swimming in the ocean pool and soaking up another amazing warm day.

Hamish I think of you often. I think about what you would look like? How big would you be by now? I will never have the answers to these questions. What I do know is that in your short life you knew you were loved. Each time I think of you I send you love wherever you may be. 

Happy Easter my little one. I hope your having a nice day up there. I hope you are surrounded by love. Know that your mum and dad are doing ok. We made it through the first 200 days without you here. We are both finding more purpose and love in our days thanks to you. We are living more intentionally. There are still moments where we still get mad, sad and fall down. There are many more though that are filled with joy, fun and happiness. We are proud of all the love you have brought to our lives and those around us.

It’s another full moon on the last day of March. I am feeling ready to let go of a lot of things this month. I am letting go of my old career. I am letting go of a person I used to be. I am waking up each morning and living with more purpose. I feel a big shift in my life. Also in my energy in the last few weeks. I feel like my heart is lighter. I can do more and put myself out there properly again. I am excited to start working with coaching clients again. I am feeling hopeful for what the rest of this year will bring. I have noticed I have also been thinking less about what could or should have been. I know it’s a big weekend celebrating Easter without my little boy. I am feeling though everything is now how it should be. I can’t change it and I don’t want to wish my life away. I am blessed for this life and if I could bring Hamish back I would. I feel more accepting though that I can only move on and keep sharing my motherly love through projects for Hamish. Helping other mums and dads going through this.

Hamish I am wishing you a very Happy Easter. I love you so much.

It’s Good Friday and I am missing Hamish so much. We spent the day at a secluded little beach. It feels good to get back into the ocean and swim in the clear salty water. There are lots of little fish around us. I brought our snorkel sets along and we had fun swimming around looking at the beautiful fish. I spend some time floating in the water just allowing the calm ocean water to hold me. I feel protected and safe. I feel calm and peaceful. Each day spent in the water fills my heart with joy. I am grateful I live in such a beautiful country that has some of the most picturesque beaches in the world. I feel so grateful that I get to call this place home. I am grateful for the traditional owners of the land. I am so glad we get to share this sacred place with them. I am making it my mission to learn more about how my ancestors settled here and how it impacted the Indigenous people. I also want to visit some Aboriginal communities this year. I feel a real pull to visit the red centre around Alice Springs and Uluru, Tasmania, Broome and The Kimberlys. I feel like this year I want to get to know my country better. In all of its beauty.

Hamish you are so loved.

As I sit here at home I am pondering the last two hundred days. There have been many moments of joy and laughter. There have been deep pits of sadness and grief. I am here with empty arms, missing my little boy. I know that I will always feel there is an empty part of my heart that yearns for Hamish. For who he would become in this world. I know though that he has been living through me, each one of those days since he departed. He has given me the strength to carry on, to write this blog daily, to tune into my intuition, to speak up and be a voice for stillborn babies, to give more love to myself and others, to put a book together for parents experiencing loss, to quit my job, to be true to myself, to find more purpose in my life, to slow down, breathe, learn the art of meditation and practice it, be more grateful for what I already have, to be more curious about life and death, to be ok with crying my eyes out, being vulnerable, to allow my body to heal, travel to Thailand and around Australia, many ocean swims, star gazing, solo bush walks, time to think, yoga, pilates, dance, music for my soul, cacao, nourishing food, deep soulful conversations, cutting through all the BS, embracing who I want to be, giving less of a f&*k about things that don’t matter, not taking things personally and above all how to be a mother. A mother to an angel in the sky. A mother to a beautiful boy who’s spirit lives on. A caring, nurturing mother, wife and friend who more than anything wants to live a peaceful life.

Hamish these two hundred days have seemed like an entire lifetime all over again. I feel like I have learned more about life than ever before. I know you choose me and I choose you. I know I am blessed to have had you with me for the time I did. Thank you my love.