I Am Still Born

I can hardly sleep. I don’t know if it is the full moon or the fact that we set the alarm for midnight to get up and watch the Socceroos. I also have anxiety coming up around my workshop on Saturday. This always happens before I put myself out there, whether it is speaking or running an event. I hate this feeling. I am trying to be calm. I know the workshop is going to be such a beautiful experience for everyone that attends. I had a practice run two weeks ago, and it went so well. There are three more sleeps until the workshop. I am hoping this anxiety doesn’t hang around until then. I think it comes because I want everything to be perfect. What is perfect though? Why do I think I have to be perfect in every way? I decide to do some breathing exercises and this calms me right down. I am counting every out breath and breathing deeply in and out. Within a few minutes of this I have drifted off. Midnight came and went and we decided on sleep, over football. It was a good thing though as we woke up to the news that we had be beaten by Peru 2 nil and knocked out of the World Cup.

I love you Hamish.

Today I finalised my submission to the senate inquiry on stillbirth.

I hope my words add value to the conversation and help encourage our government to allocate funding to support parents after a stillborn child. I also hope our government can allocate funding to continue the research and communication efforts of our local charities such as The Stillbirth Foundation Australia, Still Aware and SANDS.

If you have a precious child that was stillborn I would encourage you to share your story with the committee by the 29th of June.

I will share my submission here, once I get approval from the committee that it can be published.

Thank you Hamish for giving me the strength to write this and speak up.

 

 

 

 

I had a relaxing walk along the ocean with Greg this morning. We looked out for whales as it’s migration season here in Sydney where they move north for warmer waters. I didn’t see any whales today, I did however feel so much more calmer after a morning spent by the ocean. We then went to a friends place to paint rocks and drink tea. I think this could be a new form of meditation for us. It takes concentration and it is such a peaceful activity. I love Sundays like this. I felt so chilled out and ready for the week ahead. I am getting a little nervous for my meditation workshop. I know it will be awesome, it’s just scary when you put yourself out there like this. I know this is the work I want to be doing in the world. I intend to help many people live more present lives. Wake up each day and soak up each moment rather than worrying about the future or going over the past. I know how much meditation has changed my life and the more I can share it with others who are called to practice it the better.

I love you Hamish. You have always kept me grounded since you came along as a little seed in my belly. 

Today my heart is full after having lunch with 15 of my soul sisters. I organised a lunch with my coaching buddies at the Grounds. It was nice to catch up on life and business. Where we are all at. How we are making time for ourselves. The biggest thing that is on everyone’s mind is self care. Some of them work hard in a full time job with a side hustle and some are full time coaching. We all have only a certain amount of hours in the day. It’s up to us to decide what we do with that time. How much is dedicated to looking after ourselves, sleep, exercise and fun. While building a business you love is lots of fun you still need to make sure there is down time. I was struggling with the slower pace in my life a bit as a year ago things were very different. Some days I am hard on myself and want to be doing more. What I have worked out though is now my wellness comes first. I am so much more intentional, peaceful and calm now. I have more balance in my life. When I go somewhere I’m all there and not thinking about the next place I’m rushing too. I love this new way of living. I love that most nights I take time to cook a beautiful meal. I love that I meditate each day. I also love that I can just be. I can read. I can fill up my cup.

I know I am on this journey thanks to you Hamish. I am so grateful for that.

My nephew Logan is running around the house and saying there is a ghost. A ghost is knocking at the door and he wants to come in. I let him know it’s ok and we can let him in if we want. Then he says now the ghost is now playing downstairs in the playground, he is using the telescope to look out for us. While one part of me thinks he was just playing around, another big part of me wonders if he can really see ghosts? Was it Hamish trying to come through? Who knows, all I do know is that I believe babies, toddlers and old people are the closest to the spirit world. When you are born you have gone from a floating spirit to an earthly soul and body. When you are about to leave the earth your soul is getting ready for your spirit to pass through. I feel like the insight older people have is deep. Not only have they had many years to develop their intuitive ability but they also know their time may be limited by how long their human body will last. I also believe babies and young children can be very intuitive. They don’t question what they see or feel. They don’t have years of societal conditioning to tell them what they are seeing is silly or not real.

If it was you calling out to come in to the apartment know you are always welcome here. I know you may have other assignments to get to in the spirit world but you will always have a home wherever your Dad and I live. 

I woke up to a little sweet voice saying “Aunty wake up”. My niece Anna is so sweet, she has a soft little voice most of the time but can also be very loud if she wants to be. I got up and we decided to catch a bus into the city to go to the museum. Word on the street was there is a very cool Wiggles exhibit worth seeing. One bus ride and a lot of walking later and we are jumping in the big red car, doing the propeller and hanging out with Dorothy. After many songs and dancing later we decided to grab some lunch and then go to a big park. I am buggered. Running after toddlers all day is no mean feat. We decide to head home to have an early dinner. After cooking and eating dinner I am ready for bed. My belly is full and so is my heart of love. I now have an insight into what it will be like for us in a few years when we have some little ones running about. I can’t wait.

I love you Hamish. I hope you were with us today. 

The crazy kids from Perth have arrived! My gorgeous niece and nephew are 2 and 3 and their tiny stature doesn’t compare with the big presence they bring to a room. My sister in law and her hubby have travelled in the car with the kids all the way from Perth in just four days. They are moving to Brisbane so stopping in to see us for a couple of nights. It is nice to see them all. The kids are growing up quickly and they are so loving. We decided the best thing we could do is go and play in the park when they arrived as they had driven from Wagga Wagga that morning. It was fun playing in the park. The excitement on their faces was so lovely to see today. We can’t wait to see them more now they are moving to the east coast. I did wish Hamish was here to also play. I know though that we are blessed to have a little angel amongst our family.

I love you my boy.

Today I was interviewed for a new podcast that will be released in the next couple of months. I felt a little nervous about the interview but I knew to just treat it like any other conversation. I welcomed Wendy into my home for the interview and she set up her equipment. We chatted for almost an hour and I shared how my life has changed after Hamish came along. I shared what inspired me to write the ebook and how I have been channelling my motherly love into creative projects such as this blog. It was so lovely to chat about the impact of stillbirth and losing a child. I want to break down the taboo of talking about such things openly. While some people might find it sad to listen to, it is part of many families reality. Before I share our story in an interview I always ask Hamish if he wants me to do it. Each time I get a solid YES back from him. I know he is proud of the work I am doing. I feel so lucky that I am in the position to be able to continue to share this message. I know for so many it is very hard to speak openly about their pain, grief and healing.

Sending you so much love today Hamish. I know you were there watching over me as I spoke about losing you and how life is now.  

Today I woke up feeling pretty tired after such a big weekend. I realise now that I need to slow down a bit. As much as I love socialising and seeing the people I love, sometimes I also need to book in time for rest and relaxation. I am feeling so grateful that I have my own schedule to manage now without a corporate job. It also means it is very easy for me to say yes to way too much. I decided today I am going to take things slowly. I have a few things on my to do list. If I only get a few things done then this is ok! We have my sister in law and her family coming to stay this week so I have a couple of days to get stuff done before they come. I am excited for their arrival as I haven’t seen my niece and nephew in so long. I am looking forward to lots of cuddles and fun!

I love you Hamish. 

I went through my meditation workshop with some friends today. I wanted to see how it went and also make sure it flowed well. I am so excited to share with others my love of meditation. It has been one of the best things I have done for myself over the last year. Even before Hamish was born, I would take out to sit in silence and breathe and it made me so much more present in my days. Meditation has helped bring me back to the present moment over and over again. In the days where I worry about the future or the ones where I am focussed on the past. It takes me into my body and brings me here to the now. I think I would have so much more anxiety if I didn’t meditate. It isn’t always easy but I keep showing up each day and giving it a go. I have an app called insight timer which I really love. I use it to time my silent meditations. It helps me stay on track and keep up my daily practice. Some days I find it very hard to concentrate. Others it is much easier. Just like writing it is something I am making a non-negotiable in each day.

I feel closer to you during my meditations. Maybe I can feel your presence more or just have a knowing that you are guiding me.