I Am Still Born

Mondays are different now. I wake up knowing I can do whatever I please. It is so nice being able to take time out for myself. Today I am heading to the movies. I am not very good at watching fiction though. I love real life stories and since I was small I couldn’t get into the fantasy of some movies and books. I usually don’t enjoy watching something unless I could literally relate to it. Today I am going to watch the new Star Wars movie. I don’t really know what I am in for. I went to see the last one as Greg dragged me there. I didn’t really take any of it in so I am kind of starting from scratch again.

I walked into that cinema with an open mind. Not trying to make sense of anything just take the movie in. What is funny is that I actually enjoyed it. I was present and I really got into the missions they were on. I thought the fight scenes were pretty cool. It made me realise I need to chill out a bit more and have more fun. I want to laugh more and I will be bringing that into 2018. I have this weird senses of humour where I find the most random things funny. What is cool though is that the more terrible a joke is the more I will actually laugh at it.

Thanks for always making me smile little one. 

I woke up feeling peaceful this morning. We decided to go for a long walk down to the water near our place. I think of Hamish and our life. I am so grateful we have the life we have. We are blessed in so many ways. Yes we had a rough start to parenthood and we miss our son but now we can start to look to the future. I know each day I need to keep trusting that everything will work out. I can be very impatient at times and I like to get things done quickly. When it comes to organising my life I am not great at always ‘going with the flow’.

Having time off has allowed me to be more patient. It has allowed me to trust everything will work out. Ultimately we don’t have full control over what happens to us we can only control how we react. This release of control is tough. To allow the universe to have my back. To trust my intuition will continue to guide me in the right direction. It’s been four months since I finished up for Maternity leave. These four months have allowed me so much time to think, see, feel and experience new possibilities. I am no longer thinking the way I used to. I am much more open to allowing things to unfold. I want to make sure I don’t fall back into the same old traps. I want to keep this new perspective and way of thinking.

Thanks Hamish for this gift. I know I needed to continue to surrender to what this life brings. 

I always get interesting Uber drivers. I don’t think I ever walk away from a ride without having a story to tell. Lastnight by uber driver was a pakastani musician whom works in IT by day, plays music by night and Uber’s. He has over 1 million views on his YouTube videos. Random. I always like talking to people about their passions. What gets them fired up and what makes them smile. This life is too short for us not to follow our passions. As cliched as it sounds. We all have dreams. Dreams are thoughts that might one day be a reality. They are just moments in time. Time that we don’t have an infinite amount of. I am going to reach for my dreams. One of my friends lastnight made me realise I need to keep being true to myself. I can’t pretend to be someone I am not. I have to listen to that voice inside that is asking me to step up. Step out of my comfort zone and be me. I don’t want to have regrets.

Love you Hamish

We booked a trip to Thailand today for two weeks in January. I am super excited. I can’t wait to go away. We were thinking of visiting Bali but then something drew me to go back to Thailand instead. I haven’t been for 10 years so it will be nice to go back. It will be so lovely to spend lots of time swimming, exploring and just spending quality time together. This is going to be a chance for us to recalibrate and recuperate from the year we have had. I am so glad Greg can take the whole month off as it means we can do whatever we please. It means we can fill our cups up before we take on any more challenges. It means we can sit in our thoughts. Feel what we want to feel. Do whatever we please each day.

I am so thankful for you Hamish. I do wish you could come on this holiday. I know you will be there in spirit. 

We had our third support group today. It was really sad. It was nice to see our lovely social worker but hard to also hear more stories of loss. While having the comfort of other angel parents is wonderful, it is also heartbreaking when you hear others stories. I wish none of us had to go through this. I wish I could bring all our children back. The only thing I can do is listen. I know all of our children want us to have a bright future. They are all watching over us hoping that we find some meaning in their life. They don’t want us to be miserable forever.

I don’t know if we will go to any more groups for a while. We are heading away for most of January and we are both starting to feel better. This week we have woken up with a smile on our faces most days. We have supported each other through our challenges. We have chosen to be grateful for our lives in most moments. We went to the beach straight from the support group and had a peaceful swim in the ocean. Being in the ocean keeps me grounded. It makes me feel so much peace.

We then had a lovely dinner with our angel parent friends. We are lucky to have them in our lives. The stories we share are so funny. How life is unfolding for us. We both have met with some spiritual soul readers and mediums this week. I think we are guided to seek our answers. We are guided to know more about how we can connect with our children. We have both been guided to meet with the right people at the right time. If I had heard what I heard this week a month ago I don’t think it would have sunk in. I am feeling so much peace tonight. I know we are all going to be ok.

Thank you Hamish for guiding us and being there for me each day.

After my soul reading yesterday I walked the Spit to Manly bush walk on my own, it was so beautiful being out in nature. I especially enjoyed the swim with all the fish at Fairlight beach near the end of the walk. I always feel so grounded when I spend some time slowing down and connecting with the earth and sea. I woke up this morning feeling energized. I had my PT session in the morning and then saw my Chiro in the afternoon. Looking after my body and healing has been a focus over the last three months. My mind and body has never felt this kind of trauma before. It’s like I am starting from scratch and building myself back up. My social worker explains this perfectly. She says I was puzzle that was almost finished and then someone came along and messed all the puzzle pieces up. Slowly piece by piece I’ll put the puzzle back together. Only this time the puzzle looks different. It’s not the same picture on these pieces. It’s been flipped to unveil a whole new image.

My new image is what I am trying to get used to. It feels uneasy not having the comfort of my old life. Unveiling a whole new part of myself, connecting with my divine feminine energy, meditating, writing, dancing, floating in the ocean, lying on the grass in the sun, reading, allowing music to go through my cells, laughing, crying, loving and so much more. It is all a journey for me to find out who I really am. What I want to do in this human life. I know it is precious. I am grateful for all that I have been given. I am grateful for this new perspective and outlook on life.

Thank you Hamish for helping me put the new puzzle together.

I had a soul reading today with the talented Lauren from Inner Hue. This was interesting. I don’t know how to describe the reading other than it just made sense. She looked at the colours of my soul and was also was pretty frank on a few things. She asked me if I knew Hamish was only going to be here for a short time. I looked at her with confusion. I then sat with the question and really asked myself. It is hard to know but there was times during my pregnancy when I felt uneasy. I almost didn’t want to celebrate Hamish, particularly on my baby shower day. I felt awkward receiving gifts for him. I felt like I almost shouldn’t be getting anything for him. My soul might of known he was going to leave early but my head didn’t want to believe it.

How many times does our gut instinct, intuition or soul tell us something quietly and we refuse to listen. I believe it’s our human selves trying to protect us from pain. I never wanted this to happen and I will always be on a journey to discover why my soul let this happen. Why I agreed with Hamish that he only needed to come and visit me for nine months. This year will be one of the most special of my life. I still feel lucky to know I had the time I did with Hamish. I feel lucky for all the new friends and old that have shown Greg and I so much kindness. I feel grateful for the closeness Hamish has brought to our families. I am grateful for a fresh start. I am grateful for this new perspective. I am grateful for the lesson of grief, loss and compassion.

I know you are safe Hamish and you will always feel my love. 

Three months and one day since my life changed forever. Today I rested and listened to my body. I slept in and then stayed home most of the day. I did some reading and listened to a few podcasts. I worked on my book and went through my emails. I feel like my brain is clearer now. I have more focus. I feel blessed that I have this time to dive into some passion projects. I can’t wait for this book to come to life. It is going to help so many women. Each time I speak to another angel mum I hear stories of how they were treated in the hospital. Most women only get a small amount of time with a social worker whom is run off their feet with so many other patients when they lose their baby. I know they would love to be able to offer a higher level of care but there just isn’t the hours in the day. I would love this book I am co-creating to help create more peace for women that are in this scenario. I would love it to be available to all women that are going through the heartbreak of losing their child.

Please keep guiding me in the right direction Hamish. 

It has hard to put into words what today has meant to me. It has been three months since my little angel left this earth. I find it hard to comprehend that I have been on this journey for 90 days. Many things have changed in my life. One thing in particular is who I have been spending time with. Our new angel parent friends we have met have been so comforting and loving to us. We celebrated two of their birthdays today. It has been six months since they lost their precious daughter and to see them both laughing and smiling today was so uplifting. Out of this experience we have noticed we are living richer lives, more grateful lives and above all more connected. We have deep soulful conversations daily with strangers on death, love and loss. We ponder life with new friends and talk about things you wouldn’t even think about on a daily basis.

I had a very precious moment this afternoon. It is hard to put into words. It involved me saying goodbye to another little boy. He had left this earth too soon and his soul was ready to be one with the earth again. I was lucky to be able to be a part of his send off. On behalf of that other mother I felt immense gratitude and love. This little boy was sent off into the sunset. The water lapped up the rocks as his ashes feel in and floated away. Two ducks were swimming around me until all the ashes had touched the water. A third duck then swooped down. He wanted to show us his presence. Another little soul at peace. Another friend for Hamish up there. I know he is surrounded by love. I know I am surrounded by love. That is what keeps me going each day.

My love is infinite for you Hamish. Happy three months little one.