I Am Still Born

I feel inspired today. I am so excited to dive into my business and start making magic happen. I am showing up each day for myself and Hamish. I am doing what feels good. I am getting sh*t done. I am a personal development junkie and always learning. I believe we should always have beginners mind when it comes to learning. From reading a book, listening to a podcast or even messages or nudges that come through when I meditate. I soak it all up. I also allow time to also connect in to my intuition. My beautiful friend Kris wrote a book on how to connect deeper with your intuition. I love it. The more I listen in the happier I am each day. The less I lead with my head the better. I am trying to intuitively plan my days. I tuning in each morning, I have freedom now to break whenever I please, to put my head down for a few hours then move my body. Get out in nature each day and also sit in stillness. I am divinely blessed to be living this life. I know though that it doesn’t happen by chance. It took a lot of courage and pushing the fear down to quit my job.

Hamish you bring me so much joy. Lighting the candle on your urn makes me feel closer to you each day. I know even though your earth body is now ashes, your spirit still lives through all that I do. 

I am here alone in bed. Your daddy is up in Darwin working for a few days. It’s been a strange evening as I feel uneasy. I decided to have some alone time and just chill out. I have got a lot done today. I have hired a wonderful editor in the UK for my book on Navigating Baby loss. I have answered emails. I had an initial consult with a prospective client. I have also had some down time reading and chilling on the couch. I’m lying in bed now and I feel a surge of energy in my body. My heart is racing a little and I don’t know why. It feels a little like anxious feelings and butterflies. I decide to do some reading before I go to sleep. I scroll Instagram and I know this is probably not going to help me fall asleep.

I want more than anything to do be present in my days. I want to choose things that my soul is jumping up and down for in delight. I know that will require saying no to some things and a hell yes to others. I have been peeling back the layers and working on upgrading my subconscious beliefs that have been driving me for most of my life. I am working daily on discovering what I need to let go of. One thing i am letting go of is anything that feels like an obligation. If it is within my control I won’t do it. I’m so sick of being that person that always compromises. I don’t want to anymore. I am promising to live in alignment. I am giving you permission to put your alignment first too. Be brave and embrace your alignment.

Hamish I love you to the waxing moon and back

I spent the day up the coast at my sisters house. It was a bright, warm sunny day on the coast. I love it up here. There is a much more peaceful vibe compared with Sydney. I was there for twenty minutes and I had already changed two nappies! It is good practice for next time around. I seriously have so much gratitude for the mums and dads out there. Raising children isn’t easy. It requires a lot of hard work and sleepless nights. I know though I am excited to dive into all that it brings. Both the highs and the lows. One of my nieces is two and she is much more interactive now. We spend the afternoon at the beach swimming. She is fearless out in the ocean. We swim out and just float around in the water. I hold her and make sure she feels safe. She is loving it. That sense of freedom feels so good. Being in the water makes my heart sing. We laugh and shout and say hi to the other swimmers around us. It is moments like this where I am so thankful for my blessed life. All we have is this moment, each second that passes. I thought about staying home to work on my business all day today. Instead I followed my intuition and I did a few hours work in the morning and then headed to the coast. I know that I want to prioritise play and connection this year.

Hamish or ‘Hah hish’ as your little cousin calls you, I know you were there with us today.

Sunday was spent catching up with my goddess mastermind gals and then lunch with friends on the harbour. It was a day full of loving connection and then rest. We spent the afternoon at home reading, relaxing and enjoying each others company before Greg fly’s away for work to Darwin. Greg has been away 5 out of the last six weeks for work. Travelling all over Australia. Most trips have been a few nights so It hasn’t been too bad. I am looking forward to having him home for Easter. After such a big weekend I am looking forward to a quiet week. We had the Bruno Mars concert on Friday night then I went to a conference yesterday and then straight out to the play. I feel like I am being more present in my life now. I am enjoying each day and not trying to wish away time. When you are on a journey to try and conceive sometimes you want to fast forward to that moment you are pregnant and then when you get to give birth and take home your baby. I am trying my best to not be too caught up in the future. I know things will work out the way they are meant to. I am more trusting now. I know that we will have our next little one earth side when they are ready to come and join us.

Hamish I love you. I could feel you around us this weekend. 

 

Tonight we went to a play called Born Still. It was written by inspiring Australian playwright Jane Harrison. It was a play about the loss of her second daughter Evangeline ‘Evie’ in the late stages of pregnancy. Evie was born still twenty one years ago. The play was partly light hearted and partly saddening. It was a true reflection of what a mother goes through when they lose a child. First the shock of having to deliver your child when they are no longer earth side. Then the aftermath of the funeral, dealing with loved ones, being grief stricken, feeling lost, feeling like a failure, wondering why you feel like nobody cares, while you are in your darkest moments and the world keeps spinning. I wasn’t sure what to expect but I decided Greg and I had made the right decision to go along with some of our angel parent friends. I am sure every single person in the theatre watching got a new insight of what pregnancy, stillbirth and infant loss really means. I was proud of Jane for sharing her story so bravely in such a beautiful way. At the end of the play they asked us whether anyone had lost a child wanted to come forward and take a balloon to release. I walked up there and got one for Hamish. I felt so vulnerable. It is one thing to write blog posts and talk about it online but to be in that theatre standing at the front was so scary. I got to meet Jane after the play was over and chat about her precious Evie. She wanted to know if the play was well received. I reassured her that you could see the heartfelt care that went into putting it together. I felt a sense of comfort watching it as I know any loss mum would have. Knowing this undescribable pain is real difficult to navigate through.

Hamish I hope you are friends with Evie up there. 

Six trips around the sun today with my love

Six years ago I said yes to love

I followed my heart when I sat across from a young Scottish lad at dinner

He was charming from the start

He told the restaurant it was my birthday

Singing and sparklers followed with a chocolate cake

The man who was sitting across from me was going to be my forever

I sat there full of laughter and feeling embarrassed

It wasn’t even close to my birthday

 

He is kind, funny and has one of the biggest hearts

He cares for me like no one has before

He showed me that I deserve to be showered in love

He taught me to believe in myself

To trust that my intuition can lead the way

That life is too short to be taken too seriously

That all will be ok

His happy go lucky attitude is infectious

 

Life can be so much fun when you have a partner who shares your values

One who is always up for an adventure

Even when he thinks your a little crazy he will still come along for the ride

He takes chances with me

Trusts that I we are heading in the right direction

 

You are an amazing father to our angel son

You are an amazing husband to me

Thank you my babe

This week has been full of mixed feelings. I am feeling relieved, supported and so much joy. Sadness creeps in from time to time and so does fear. I know though I choose not to stay in those emotions for long each day. I have some big news. (no I am not pregnant!). I quit my job. I decided after six months away from the corporate world it was time to have more of a break. I am going to give my all to my coaching business and meditation classes. I have so much passion around working with women and enabling them to see their own worth. For them to live a more mindful and intentional life. Working in finance for the last fourteen years has served me well but it wasn’t my dream to work in accounting. I always wanted to be a business woman I just didn’t know what it looked like. I am grateful for the almost thirteen years I had with my work and I will be sad to not see those friendly faces as often. I am choosing myself first though and I know I needed to give this a go. I am feeling so free. I know I have to make Hamish proud and follow my heart. I know I needed to make this change to move on. I asked my soul what it wanted last week while I was journalling. It asked me to leave so I could be free. I am so glad I listened.

Hamish thank you for sending me on a new path in life. I know I will always be grateful for you. You have given me a chance to have space. To have time to ponder how I want to spend my days. You have allowed me to live in love instead of fear. Take all my courage and make choices that really align with my heart. 

Today was spent at one of my favourite beaches. It wasn’t particularly a beach day given the wind was blowing strong and the rain was pouring. The beach is still my happy place though no matter what the weather looks like. I am grateful for the company I have today. I took Jolinda for lunch to meet one of my angel mum friends. It was a nice time just talking about our lives and all things fertility. I am learning so much about my body that I didn’t know. I wish I knew this stuff earlier in my life but it’s better now than never. It surprises me as women how we go through our lives so disconnected from our bodies. I am trying to get to know mine better now. To understand how my sleep, diet, emotional and mental state will all affect my fertility. I am not going to be too harsh on myself though. I am living a much healthier life than I ever have before. I move my body each day with some sort of exercise. I eat a predominantly plant based diet. I meditate most days and take time to breathe. I hydrate my body and also make sure I am listening to it when it needs to slow down. I am trying not to do too much. I am speaking kindly to it. Once you have a child things change and it can be easy for your inner critic to be louder. I am making a conscious effort to love and accept myself and my body. To be grateful that it carried Hamish to term and it will carry my future children. I know I need to find love and acceptance in myself before I have another child.

Hamish I love you always

Today I thought about Hamish a lot. Greg bought me a beautiful necklace with our birthstones in it and our names engraved on it and I am wearing it with pride. I went to meet another loss mum for lunch and we shared our hearts and our stories. It is always heart warming when I connect with other women on this journey. We didn’t choose to be here, but here we are. It amazes me the courage of a woman who has lost her child. They walk around with a part of their heart dedicated always to their child. They miss them dearly and they are so grateful for all the days they spent pregnant growing their precious child. While we long for more children we fiercely protect the memory of the child we have lost. We know they are looking down on us. We know we have a special guardian angel somewhere up there in the sky.

Hamish thank you for being my guardian angel

Today Jolinda and I drove up the coast with a new coaching friend Leticia. We went to meet our friend Kris at Long Jetty on the central coast for lunch. We then headed down to the beach at Toowoon Bay for a swim in the turquoise crystal water. We had some deep soulful conversations about how life was going for each of us. It was interesting to see how we all have come from very different backgrounds but all have been called to work in life coaching. I love hearing how we have all found something we are so passionate about. Kris came from a high energy background in advertising and is committed to helping others have more fun and play in their lives. Leticia a former lawyer, is all about purpose and helping people find theirs. Jolinda is a former teacher who is now coaching all about fertility. It got me thinking about my passions and where I want to head in my own coaching business. I am so passionate about encouraging women to see the best in themselves. For them to realise their true worth. For them to find peace in the present moment. To be mindful and live a more intentional life. I know it will keep evolving and I will just take each day as it comes.

Hamish thankyou for surrounding me with so many passionate women in business and life. Each day I am missing you I trust I am where I am meant to be.