Our time away has come to an end. I wake up from a restless night of sleep. I make our breakfast and then start packing our bags. It’s hard to believe the last week has passed so quickly. I feel sad to be leaving Byron but also happy to go home to our normal lives, our comfy bed, friends and family. Life probably will never be normal again. I need to find my new normal which is working through the loss of our son, getting up each day to a silent apartment. Going through life with my loving husband but without our precious little boy. The flight home has a bit of turbulence and since Greg is a nervous flyer we hold hands for most of the flight. I try and calm him down knowing we will be touching down in Sydney before we know it.
We walk into our brand new apartment. This marks around 8 weeks since we moved in to our first family home. I walk into Hamish’s room and pick up the swaddle he was last in before we lay him to rest and smell it. I feel that this is the last thing I have to remind me of him. That he was a person, he was real, it was just his time on earth was fleeting. I also have a heart locket my sisters gave me which has a small piece of his hair in it. At one of our scans weeks earlier we could see all of Hamish’s hair spiking up. It was crazy how much hair you could see through the ultrasound. My OB joked that he might be a red head due to his half Scottish heritage. I yelped out ‘No way! There is no red heads in our family!’ haha. His hair was a shade of dark blond not a red hair in sight!
I decide to go out to dinner with my girls tonight. We go to my favourite Japanese where I can eat all the sashimi in the world! It is lovely to catch up and talk about my last week. I love that I can share with my friends all about Hamish and how I am feeling. Talking about him and what we are going through really helps. As does this blog, each day that I write I feel a little more at ease after. I want to keep sharing our story and I hope this can help others one day that might be experiencing the same thing.
Hamish you inspire me to be better each day, to be more caring, compassionate and generous. I love you.
We wake up around 6am and decide to take a walk up to the lighthouse. We drive up the road and go through the bush track up the mountain. It’s about a 2km trek but mostly uphill which is quite challenging for me. We take our time and reach the lighthouse and summit about 40 mins later. It’s a breathtaking view from the most easterly point in Australia.
We stop for a coffee and a chai at the café next to the lighthouse. While sipping on my chai I get a phone call. I decide to answer. It is our builder Nick from our apartment back home asking if he can go in and fix something. I say yes sure, as he has our spare key. I let him know we are away on a break. He asks in an excited tone ‘Oh, have you had the baby?’ I then respond ‘Yes… silence… I then break down and tell him although we have had him he has now passed.’ He is lost for words then says ‘I’m so sorry for your loss’. I am lost for words. As the tears fall down my cheeks we decide to make the trek back down the mountain. I just want to go back to our room. I think about how many more conversations like this I will need to have. I think about meeting people and them asking if I have any kids. I will always be a proud mum to Hamish and I don’t want to pretend like I am not a mum.
The rest of the day we just take things easy and chill out at the resort. It’s our last night away and while I kind of dread coming home I know we need to come back to reality. We decide to get dressed up and have a nice dinner before we leave. We go to a small Japanese restaurant and then another one down the road after for dessert. There is a talented musician Adam Harpaz playing his guitar and singing outside the second restaurant. His voice is beautiful and soothing (see video below). We are the only people in the restaurant, listening along as we try to make sense of where we are at. We then head back to the resort and have a cocktail. I look up at the sky which is lit up with lightning strikes as a storm rolls in. I look at Greg and see the beauty in this moment. We were sitting in this exact spot five years earlier on our first holiday as a couple. How life has changed in those years. We reminisce about how much has happened, the ups and downs, travels around Australia, Europe, Asia, U.K. and America. We have achieve a lot together and supported each other so much. We got married, bought our first home and had our first son.
Every time I am outside in nature I will know you are right beside me Hamish. I will find comfort in the salty ocean water, each grain of sand, each tree, each cloud and each star up in the night sky.
I wake up feeling sore and tired. I have done a lot of walking the last few days and I think my body is calling out for me to rest. We spend the morning resting in our room and just have some chill out time. Greg is feeling chuffed as last night we stopped in at Woolworths and he bumped into one of his sporting idols Pat Rafter, I was too embarrassed to go have a chat but not Greg. He walks straight up has a good chat and even gets a selfie!
We go into town and visit the local farmers market. We chat to a few locals and pick up some fresh pumpkin gnocchi, cherry tomatoes, garlic, rocket, strawberries and some fresh juice. I decide I want to sit in the shade to drink our juice as it feels around 30 degrees. As we sit down I realize we are near where all the mums and bubs are. I look over not in a jealous way but more like a longing way. I miss Hamish and I wish I could hold him in my arms just one more time. His little body is now just a bunch of ashes. It’s hard to come to terms with this. It’s hard to believe my healthy little boy is gone.
We then decide to head to a road stop café for brunch. After brunch we head back to the wellness centre for more healing sessions. Greg is booked in for Qigong and Acupuncture and I’m in the room next door for a Kinesiology session. As the needles go into Greg I can hear him yelp and squirm. I chuckle a little as I know the acupuncture needles are more like a tiny pin prick but it’s his first time. The Kinesiology session is amazing I feel like I am releasing a lot of hurt and negative beliefs I have held onto from my own birth and childhood. I also work on healing my hurt from Hamish’s birth. It was the toughest 14 hours of my life birthing Hamish. Although a general anaesthetic and C-section may have been my first preference going through the natural labour helped me come to terms with what lay ahead.
After the sessions we head back to our room for another rest. I am listening to my body and trying to take it easy. We spend the afternoon reading and writing and have a nap. As the sun goes down I decide to start cooking up our fresh produce from the markets. Parts of our day like this bring me joy. I feel blessed to be here in this beautiful beach town with my loving husband. We have our health, we have our future together and so much love.
I will forever miss you Hamish. Your Dad wishes he could be watching the footy with you tonight. We both love you so much.
I miss my little man so much. I wake up at 6am and decide another big walk on the beach is what we need. We get ready and head down to the beach. Watching the waves roll in is so soothing. Each step I take I think about another set of footprints beside me. I wonder what it would be like going for beach walks as a family. I have a vision of Hamish as a toddler wanting to run off down the beach. He is a free spirit and is laughing as he runs towards the water lapping up to us on the sand.
I turn and look at Greg and grab him for a cuddle. I still can’t believe this is our life now. I still can’t believe what has happened. He says “It is all going to be ok Mummy”. “Don’t ever forget your a Mum and while Hamish isn’t here physically we are still his parents.” His words comfort me but the more I think about motherhood the more it just makes me sad.
We pack our stuff up and set off for the day. We drive to our favourite café here called ‘The Farm’. It is a gorgeous farm with freshly grown produce used in the café. We both order some eggs and avocado on toast. Once breakfast is finished I go to check my phone. I have been checking my emails daily for the Heartfelt photographer to send through the professional photos of us with Hamish. I get the link for our photos but another email also comes through. It is from the funeral directors with their bill and asking if we would like to keep or scatter our sons ashes. It contains a bunch of links to buy different types of urns. There is also an option to buy a teddy bear that holds his ashes. I couldn’t think of anything worse. I don’t want his ashes in a teddy. It brings me back to reality. The reality that the first thing I am buying for my newborn son is an urn for his ashes.
We leave the café and head to Crystal Castle. It has peaceful gardens filled with statues and crystals from all around the world. There is also a Kalachakra Stupa, a rare sacred monument created to protect against negative energies. I pray for Hamish and think of his soul while we walk around the Stupa. I also spend some time sitting in front of the stone blessing budda. I am thankful for all I have in my life and am thankful for the 9 months I got to know Hamish.
Every kick, every roll, every thought I had while you were in my womb was filled with joy. I felt like I was the most healthiest and happiest pregnant woman. I felt so vibrant and loved while you were in my belly.
We leave the gardens to go to our next accommodation which is in 45 acres of rainforest which then faces on to a beautiful beach a few km’s out of the main town. Once checked in, I head to a wellness centre down the road I visited last time we were here 5 months earlier. I have booked in for a Qigong healing and acupuncture session. I know Katrina who runs it with her husband as we connected the last time I visited. She knows what has happened as she follows my Instagram. I walk in broken. After the healing I feel a little light headed. I wander back to the resort. I know I need to channel more Qi into my being to help with my healing. I still feel empty but as each day goes by things are starting to get better.
We get up at 5am and walk down to the beach to wait for the sunrise. It is so beautiful and I thank my blessings for being alive and here right now. I feel sad but grateful. I watch the waves roll in. We sit on the cold sand watching the sun rise up from the horizon. It happens quicker than I expect and within around 10 minutes the hot Virgo sun is beaming down on us. I write Hamish’s name in the sand and just pray that he is in a better place. One part of my mind is like everything happens for a reason then the other part is like what f**king reason would my son die just before he was born? Why does it have to be this way? How can I be a mum and not be a mum? How can I move on from this? Why is life so cruel sometimes?
We go for a big walk up and down the beach. I know these thoughts are not helping me so I try and think more positively. I know that no one is to blame in this situation and I also know it is not going to do me any good to keep going over how things could have turned out differently. We decide to go in to town for a massage and to have our tarot cards read. I go for my reading first and it takes me 30 minutes to tell the lady all I really want to know is about is children. Is Hamish ok? Will there be more children in my future? It turns out the Tarot card reader is a trained grief and loss counsellor and our session turns into more of a chat about life and loss. She lets me know some great ways to work through my loss as well as reading my cards. She also tells me I would be a great counsellor and social worker. It gets me thinking.
The tarot card reader also wrote down a book we should read that might help us through our healing process. It is called ‘Journey of Souls’. I go and find the book at the local book store and start reading it as soon as we are back at the resort. It talks about our souls journey. I know that we are all guided in some ways in our lives and I feel like Hamish’s soul will be a guide for us for many years to come.
I wake up at 6am. I slept. Hurrah for the first time in a week I slept a whole night through. I can hear the waves crashing in the distance and our cabin is so peaceful. We are nestled in the bush right near the beach. I roll over and kiss Greg. Going through what we have in the last 8 days has definitely brought us closer. While we might grieve in different ways and be going through this experience in different ways I feel so supported by him. I know the pressure of keeping it strong has been getting to him. I know we can get through this together. We will just take one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.
We decide to go and lie by the pool for a while. I sit there with the sun beaming down on me and wonder how I can be grateful for this day. I know I am lying in paradise but at the same time it feels so wrong for doing it. I feel like I should be in the foetal position crying my eyes out. Instead here I am at the pool of a beautiful resort and soaking up the sun. I look up to the sky and think of my boy. I wonder how we got here. How just over one week ago life was completely different. It feels like a rug was dragged from under us and now we have to get back up and just get on with it.
I decide to go spend some time alone on the beach. I sit in the sand and just weep for my little boy. I love him with all my heart. I start to go through my whole pregnancy again in my head thinking what could have been done differently. I google about a million different things around stillbirth. I search for answers. So many babies lost so many with no explanation. Knowing that the cord is what took Hamish kind of gives us some peace but at the same time it is so cruel knowing that. It was the one thing that was supposed to be giving him life.
My first week of motherhood is not how I expected it to be. I thought I would be knee deep in nappies, breastfeeding and endless cuddles. The only thing that is the same as what I expected is the lack of sleep. Not from being woken up by a little one. Instead I lie each night in my bed in complete silence. I can’t get to sleep no matter what I try.
I have to get packing. We are flying out today to Byron Bay which is my happy place. I love being close to the ocean and even though my doctor and midwife advise against swimming for 6 weeks, just being able to put my feet in the ocean will be soothing for me. I do wonder how I can pull myself together and get on a plane but I know staying in my apartment another night will not be good for me.
Just before my flight one of my goddess friends comes over and drops another hamper of food and flowers. I sit with her and tell her my story. Being quite intuitive she tells me she channelled Hamish’s soul and spent some time with him on Friday. This gives me a little more peace hearing he is part of my soul family and in a past life he may have been my grandfather. I feel his nurturing presence and I know my little Hamish had a purpose for this life and it will keep unfolding through Greg and I.
Another comforting story was the midwife who discovered Hamish had no heartbeat also saw a little blonde blue eyed toddler sitting on the midwifes station in the middle of the birthing ward while I was being induced. She came to tell me a day after his birth. I knew it must of been him. Watching over us as we went through his birth. I also had a dream that he came to me when I was dozing in and out of sleep on the second night after he was born. He came to me and stroked my face and said “Don’t worry Mummy it is all going to be ok”.
Hamish wherever your soul is now know that Mummy and Daddy love you more each day.