Day 71

Today I feel like I have more energy to face the world. Today I feel a little lighter. I am generally inpatient usually but since Hamish was born I am learning to slow down. I am learning that we don’t have to be in a rush to get anywhere. I am doing my best to make the most of each day. I love being able to get out in the sun. Go for a big walk and feel like I am moving the energy around my body.

I don’t want to stand still. I don’t want to stagnate. I do however want to honour my grief. I want to feel all the emotions that come up. Good, bad and ugly. Going with the flow of where my day takes me. I am crying less. I am starting to see more light. The hard part for me now is getting back into social events. Not that I want to shy away from everything but I do want to honour how I am feeling. I am not ready to be celebrating Christmas. I am starting to feel more joy but being in a large group is intimidating.

Hamish I love you and I just want you to know that.

Day 70

I’m in bed. It’s midday and that is ok. I have realised more in the last few weeks how I start to judge myself for not doing enough. For sleeping in, for not doing enough exercise or eating the right thing. Overall I am getting up and moving my body most days. Some days I don’t feel like doing too much. Some days I need rest and white space. Some days I need to be still. Not see anyone or anything. Some days I want to look within. Some days I want to read or binge watch random youtube videos and insta stories and that is ok.

My self judgement for what I do and do not do is always going to be there. It just depends on how much I want to listen to that little sometimes loud voice. I will continue to try and honour my intuition each day. I will continue to get up each day feeling grateful. I am not grateful Hamish left me but I am grateful to be here. To have clean water to drink. To have a roof over my head and nourishing food. My basic needs are always met which is more than many in this world have.

Thank you Hamish for allowing me to be softer on myself. To be kinder and more understanding.

Day 69

Each day that goes by I wake up feeling differently. Today I was exhausted after a late night and not the most restful sleep. I have a barbecue picnic with the Angel parents from our support group today. I am really looking forward to seeing them all. Sharing stories and just hanging out. Greg on the other hand isn’t much in the mood for socialising. I think the weekends hit him the hardest when he isn’t at work and has more time to think of all the what if’s. I try my best to support him and not push him to do too much socially if he doesn’t feel like it.

We have a lovely picnic by the local dam. A few tears were shed in-between all the laughs. I felt so comfortable in all of their company. We are all at different stages in our journey but we are all just trying to do the best we can to put one foot in front of the other. Some days that might mean a few steps back or a few forward. We are all trying to be kind to ourselves and make the best of the cards we have been dealt.

It’s not fair. It’s hard to reconcile and accept. We miss our children dearly. We all want to honour them in everything we do. We want our current and future children to know their angel brothers and sisters. We want our family and friends to acknowledge and speak our child’s name often. We want our little angels to be remembered as their life did matter. However long or short it was it mattered. Our children are our guardian angels now who are lighting the path for us. I feel like they would be proud of us all for where we are at, for uniting together and supporting each other through this.

Hamish please know I am trying to do my best each day. I have been crying a lot. Please know that each tear is just a small rain drop of the love I have for you. The love I have for you is so deep it could fill an entire ocean.

P.S. This song has been on repeat the last week x

“Waves”

There is a swelling storm
And I’m caught up in the middle of it all
And it takes control
Of the person that I thought I was
The boy I used to know

But there is a light
In the dark
And I feel its warmth
In my hands
In my heart
Why can’t I hold on

It comes and goes in waves
It always does
It always does
We watch as our young hearts fade
Into the flood
Into the flood

And freedom
And falling
The feeling I thought was set in stone
It slips through my fingers
Trying hard to let go
It comes and goes in waves
It comes and goes in waves
And carries us away

Through the wind
Down to the place we used to lay when we were kids
Memories of a stolen place
Caught in the silence
An echo lost in space

It comes and goes in waves
It always does
It always does
We watch as our young hearts fade
Into the flood
Into the flood

And freedom
And falling
The feeling I thought was set in stone
It slips through my fingers
Trying hard to let go
It comes and goes in waves
It comes and goes in waves
And carries us away

I watched my wild youth disappear in front of my eyes
Moments of magic and wonder
It seems so hard to find
Is it ever coming back again
Is it ever coming back again
Take me back to the feeling when
Everything was left to find

It comes and goes in waves
It always does
It always does

And freedom
And falling
The feeling I thought was set in stone
It slips through my fingers
Trying hard to let go

It comes and goes in waves
It comes and goes in waves
And carries us away

Day 68

This past week has been very social. Being an extrovert normally coming into social situations now is very different. I feel exposed and sad. I want to talk about Hamish but sometimes I can’t find the words to explain how I am feeling. I went to a lovely friends engagement party today and I was feeling a little anxious but I knew Hamish was there with me. I feel him shining down on me and sharing his light.

I went out for dinner with my girls after to celebrate my birthday. It was fun but bittersweet. I can feel all the love my friends have for us and I feel so blessed. Sometimes though I wake up and think this is not how it’s supposed to be. This isn’t fair. I wasn’t meant to be out for a big dinner and drinking wine on my birthday. I was supposed to be at home looking after Hamish and having a quiet night.

Hamish please help me navigate this new life without you. It’s hard to not think each day about what ‘should’ have been. I know your in a safe place but mummy misses you so much.

Day 67

Today I did an interview with the lovely Christy from the ‘Pregnancy Loss Journey Podcast’. I came across this podcast and it’s really helped me hear from other women going through the same thing. It was comforting to know I am not alone on this journey. Christy lost her precious daughter Chloe and has been running this blog and podcast since and I have put the link below.

I felt Hamish’s presence as I talked about his story. It was almost surreal relaying what happened. It was healing though knowing my story may help another angel Mums out there. I feel like Hamish’s impact on the world will be big. I feel like his trip to earth had purpose and I’ll do my best to honour that each day.

Love you my boy. Thanks for coming to say hi today with the little white butterfly. Feeling your presence makes me feel safe and peaceful.

http://www.pregnancylossjourney.com/episodes

Day 66

Do you believe thing happen in our life by chance? Do you believe our intentions set up our reality? Do you believe that we are guided by forces bigger than ourselves and what we know in our concious mind? For me I believe a little in all of the above. I believe we can create our reality. I don’t believe though that we have ultimate control over what it looks like. If I had control over my life I would have Hamish in my arms.

Today I only spoke to one other person than Greg. That person by chance happened to be someone who had lost 3 little ones to stillbirth. I cried and so did she. When you look into another mother’s eyes and see their pain it is like an unspoken acknowledgment of I see you, I hear you and I know how your feeling. I couldn’t believe it but I knew Hamish had lead me there to have this conversation with someone who only a few moments earlier was a stranger. I don’t believe in coincidences like this I believe something higher than myself lead me there to this conversation.

Hamish please keep guiding me on this journey. I spent my morning walk thinking of how I can serve other women going through this. Just like that within a few minutes I was having this conversation. I trust I am always heading in the right direction.

Day 65

I had a massage today. It was amazing and I felt like I was transported to another place. I started to think about the last time I had a massage when Hamish was still here alive. It was only 2 days before he was born. It got me wondering if he had left me that day. I will never know when his soul left his body exactly but I do remember lying at home meditating after I got home from the massage.

I was thinking of a bright white light washing over me and going directly into my stomach. I trusted this light was a healing one that was preparing me for labour. I was getting Braxton Hicks on and off so I knew I would be birthing Hamish soon. I will never know if that is when Hamish left me but I have a feeling it could have been then. It’s weird as I felt so peaceful and trusting that everything was going to be ok. I trusted my body and I felt like Hamish was safe. I wish I could turn back time. I wish things were different. I can’t though and all I can do is trust that Hamish is exactly where he is supposed to be. He is being looked after by his Grandma in heaven, in the spirit world. He will be waiting for us for one day when our souls leave this earth.

Hamish I love you. Please know that your Mum and Dad are ok. We are trying our best to live a happy life.