Day 92

I had a soul reading today with the talented Lauren from Inner Hue. This was interesting. I don’t know how to describe the reading other than it just made sense. She looked at the colours of my soul and was also was pretty frank on a few things. She asked me if I knew Hamish was only going to be here for a short time. I looked at her with confusion. I then sat with the question and really asked myself. It is hard to know but there was times during my pregnancy when I felt uneasy. I almost didn’t want to celebrate Hamish, particularly on my baby shower day. I felt awkward receiving gifts for him. I felt like I almost shouldn’t be getting anything for him. My soul might of known he was going to leave early but my head didn’t want to believe it.

How many times does our gut instinct, intuition or soul tell us something quietly and we refuse to listen. I believe it’s our human selves trying to protect us from pain. I never wanted this to happen and I will always be on a journey to discover why my soul let this happen. Why I agreed with Hamish that he only needed to come and visit me for nine months. This year will be one of the most special of my life. I still feel lucky to know I had the time I did with Hamish. I feel lucky for all the new friends and old that have shown Greg and I so much kindness. I feel grateful for the closeness Hamish has brought to our families. I am grateful for a fresh start. I am grateful for this new perspective. I am grateful for the lesson of grief, loss and compassion.

I know you are safe Hamish and you will always feel my love. 

Day 91

Three months and one day since my life changed forever. Today I rested and listened to my body. I slept in and then stayed home most of the day. I did some reading and listened to a few podcasts. I worked on my book and went through my emails. I feel like my brain is clearer now. I have more focus. I feel blessed that I have this time to dive into some passion projects. I can’t wait for this book to come to life. It is going to help so many women. Each time I speak to another angel mum I hear stories of how they were treated in the hospital. Most women only get a small amount of time with a social worker whom is run off their feet with so many other patients when they lose their baby. I know they would love to be able to offer a higher level of care but there just isn’t the hours in the day. I would love this book I am co-creating to help create more peace for women that are in this scenario. I would love it to be available to all women that are going through the heartbreak of losing their child.

Please keep guiding me in the right direction Hamish. 

Day 90

It has hard to put into words what today has meant to me. It has been three months since my little angel left this earth. I find it hard to comprehend that I have been on this journey for 90 days. Many things have changed in my life. One thing in particular is who I have been spending time with. Our new angel parent friends we have met have been so comforting and loving to us. We celebrated two of their birthdays today. It has been six months since they lost their precious daughter and to see them both laughing and smiling today was so uplifting. Out of this experience we have noticed we are living richer lives, more grateful lives and above all more connected. We have deep soulful conversations daily with strangers on death, love and loss. We ponder life with new friends and talk about things you wouldn’t even think about on a daily basis.

I had a very precious moment this afternoon. It is hard to put into words. It involved me saying goodbye to another little boy. He had left this earth too soon and his soul was ready to be one with the earth again. I was lucky to be able to be a part of his send off. On behalf of that other mother I felt immense gratitude and love. This little boy was sent off into the sunset. The water lapped up the rocks as his ashes feel in and floated away. Two ducks were swimming around me until all the ashes had touched the water. A third duck then swooped down. He wanted to show us his presence. Another little soul at peace. Another friend for Hamish up there. I know he is surrounded by love. I know I am surrounded by love. That is what keeps me going each day.

My love is infinite for you Hamish. Happy three months little one. 

Day 89

Today I woke up with a small hangover. A few red wines after dinner. Probably the first time I have felt like this in a while. I had some interesting conversations last night with two of my soul sisters. One of them told me she felt very sad on the day of my baby shower. She woke up feeling sad and couldn’t shake it off. She also kept trying to feel some kicks from Hamish that day. He wasn’t kicking much that day which in hindsight could have been a sign. He still kicked every so often but what I know now is babies have sleep cycles of ninety minutes. So you should feel at least ten movements every two hours at least.

I do believe my bestie felt this sadness as she may of had a hunch about Hamish’s fate. What is even weirder is my closest angel mum friend (who I only met after Hamish) was at the table next to us at the restaurant where we had my baby shower. She was there for a friends 30th. We have a mutual friend who spoke with her at my baby shower. My friend thought this must of been why she had felt sad. As she was going to see someone who had only recently lost her little girl less than two months earlier. They didn’t mention it to me as they didn’t want to scare me or make me feel sad at my baby shower.

I have another soul sister who never even touched my belly. She said she never felt right about my pregnancy. It is weird looking back now and thinking about whether Hamish was always going to leave too soon. It doesn’t make me feel any better or give me more peace. I do however trust that the path he was on couldn’t be changed. I had every baby book under the sun thanks to my lovely sister in law. I read loads of blogs about pregnancy. I was in touch with Hamish each day as he grew bigger. I was having weekly checkups after 36 weeks. I would write in my journal each morning and I felt so connected to him. I wasn’t too busy to not notice any changes. I did however as a first time mum feel like it would be silly if I turned up at hospital for a false alarm. I didn’t want to feel like a worrier when every appointment the doctor said he was fine. I would say to all mums now first or second time don’t worry what other people think. If you feel sick, or something isn’t right or the movements have increased or decreased go get checked out.

Hamish I wish you didn’t have to leave so soon.  

Day 88

Christmas. I always love this time of year. Slowing down the pace of life. Spending more time with my family and friends. Getting out in the sunshine. Going for lots of ocean swims. Last year I even learned to surf. This is also the time of year that we conceived our little boy. I don’t want this time of year to be miserable for us. It is just hard as it is the first Christmas without our little boy. I walked passed Santa in the shops the other day and I just thought of how it would be to line up and get my family Santa photo for the first time. Then I thought screw it I might go into the shops one day when it’s quiet and get a Santa photo with me holding a photo of Hamish. I know it might sound weird but I just feel so crappy that he doesn’t get to have a Santa photo.

I haven’t decided if I will go through with it and get the photo. I feel like I am missing out on the life I thought I was going to have. Missing out on seeing Hamish grow up. See him crawl then walk, talk and cry, scream and shout. Feel his cuddles and see him smile. I know he is smiling down on me now though. I know he would be proud of his mum and everything she is doing. I trust that he is happy. I trust that his Christmas in another place will be peaceful. I trust that our family of three will one day be a family of four maybe even five or six! I guess I have to leave it up to the universe to decide. All I want from Santa is to know my little angel is happy wherever he is right now.

Love you Hamish.

Day 87

This book has become my priority now other than working through my grief. I want to finish it by the end of January. It is a collaboration between myself and some pretty amazing angel mums. There was a nudge on my shoulder a few weeks after Hamish’s birth to write this book. It is not a ‘How to Guide’ but more of a this is how I handled losing my son and how I am dealing with my grief. It’s a book saying I see you, I feel you, I hear you and you are not alone on this journey. I want all angel mums going through this to not feel alone. As when you are in that hospital maternity unit and you are the only one with the dead baby you feel pretty alone. You are scared shitless of leaving that hospital room to only bump into a happy new mother. You feel so empty and hearing the cries of the healthy babies in the other rooms only further cracks your heart in two.

I decided I wanted to create this free resource that can be shared with mothers that have either lost their baby before birth or after. There are amazing social workers, midwives and doulas out there that do an amazing job holding space for mothers during this time. I would love for this book to add comfort and help ease the pain slightly. I have 6 mothers on board so far and I am looking for a few more. If you are reading this and you have lost your baby and keen to be a part of it please reach out. I will leave my email at the end of this blog post. Even if you don’t want to be a part of this book and you want to reach out anyway send me an email. I am just following my heart each day and I want to help others going through this pain.

Thank you Hamish for helping me put this together. I know it is not the book I was planning to write a few months ago. I know now how important this will be in the future for other mums going through this. 

My email is jodieleannematthews@outlook.com please reach out if you feel called.

 

Day 86

Forgiveness is a choice. It is something I am working on right now. I need to forgive myself for what has happened. I know it isn’t my fault or anyone else’s for that matter but losing Hamish came with a lot of blame. I felt like my body failed me. I felt like everyone failed me. I wish that I could have done something to save him. I wish at the last ultrasound we could have seen that the cord was wrapped around him. I wish there was something or someone that could have done something. I am learning that forgiveness is what will set me free.

I grew up going to church and believing in God. In my later teen years I turned my back on this. My thoughts on this now is that there is a God of some sort. I believe God is everywhere. God is in all of us. It is a universal force and not necessarily one person. I do know that I forgive God for what has happened to Hamish. I forgive mother nature for taking my precious son away. I forgive the lady that did my last ultrasound at 36 weeks and didn’t pick anything up. I forgive myself. Forgiveness is letting go. It is allowing myself to feel free from blame. The feeling will still come up from time to time but I am trying my best to forgive.

 

Thank you Hamish for allowing me to forgive.