Day 94

We had our third support group today. It was really sad. It was nice to see our lovely social worker but hard to also hear more stories of loss. While having the comfort of other angel parents is wonderful, it is also heartbreaking when you hear others stories. I wish none of us had to go through this. I wish I could bring all our children back. The only thing I can do is listen. I know all of our children want us to have a bright future. They are all watching over us hoping that we find some meaning in their life. They don’t want us to be miserable forever.

I don’t know if we will go to any more groups for a while. We are heading away for most of January and we are both starting to feel better. This week we have woken up with a smile on our faces most days. We have supported each other through our challenges. We have chosen to be grateful for our lives in most moments. We went to the beach straight from the support group and had a peaceful swim in the ocean. Being in the ocean keeps me grounded. It makes me feel so much peace.

We then had a lovely dinner with our angel parent friends. We are lucky to have them in our lives. The stories we share are so funny. How life is unfolding for us. We both have met with some spiritual soul readers and mediums this week. I think we are guided to seek our answers. We are guided to know more about how we can connect with our children. We have both been guided to meet with the right people at the right time. If I had heard what I heard this week a month ago I don’t think it would have sunk in. I am feeling so much peace tonight. I know we are all going to be ok.

Thank you Hamish for guiding us and being there for me each day.

Day 93

After my soul reading yesterday I walked the Spit to Manly bush walk on my own, it was so beautiful being out in nature. I especially enjoyed the swim with all the fish at Fairlight beach near the end of the walk. I always feel so grounded when I spend some time slowing down and connecting with the earth and sea. I woke up this morning feeling energized. I had my PT session in the morning and then saw my Chiro in the afternoon. Looking after my body and healing has been a focus over the last three months. My mind and body has never felt this kind of trauma before. It’s like I am starting from scratch and building myself back up. My social worker explains this perfectly. She says I was puzzle that was almost finished and then someone came along and messed all the puzzle pieces up. Slowly piece by piece I’ll put the puzzle back together. Only this time the puzzle looks different. It’s not the same picture on these pieces. It’s been flipped to unveil a whole new image.

My new image is what I am trying to get used to. It feels uneasy not having the comfort of my old life. Unveiling a whole new part of myself, connecting with my divine feminine energy, meditating, writing, dancing, floating in the ocean, lying on the grass in the sun, reading, allowing music to go through my cells, laughing, crying, loving and so much more. It is all a journey for me to find out who I really am. What I want to do in this human life. I know it is precious. I am grateful for all that I have been given. I am grateful for this new perspective and outlook on life.

Thank you Hamish for helping me put the new puzzle together.

Day 92

I had a soul reading today with the talented Lauren from Inner Hue. This was interesting. I don’t know how to describe the reading other than it just made sense. She looked at the colours of my soul and was also was pretty frank on a few things. She asked me if I knew Hamish was only going to be here for a short time. I looked at her with confusion. I then sat with the question and really asked myself. It is hard to know but there was times during my pregnancy when I felt uneasy. I almost didn’t want to celebrate Hamish, particularly on my baby shower day. I felt awkward receiving gifts for him. I felt like I almost shouldn’t be getting anything for him. My soul might of known he was going to leave early but my head didn’t want to believe it.

How many times does our gut instinct, intuition or soul tell us something quietly and we refuse to listen. I believe it’s our human selves trying to protect us from pain. I never wanted this to happen and I will always be on a journey to discover why my soul let this happen. Why I agreed with Hamish that he only needed to come and visit me for nine months. This year will be one of the most special of my life. I still feel lucky to know I had the time I did with Hamish. I feel lucky for all the new friends and old that have shown Greg and I so much kindness. I feel grateful for the closeness Hamish has brought to our families. I am grateful for a fresh start. I am grateful for this new perspective. I am grateful for the lesson of grief, loss and compassion.

I know you are safe Hamish and you will always feel my love. 

Day 91

Three months and one day since my life changed forever. Today I rested and listened to my body. I slept in and then stayed home most of the day. I did some reading and listened to a few podcasts. I worked on my book and went through my emails. I feel like my brain is clearer now. I have more focus. I feel blessed that I have this time to dive into some passion projects. I can’t wait for this book to come to life. It is going to help so many women. Each time I speak to another angel mum I hear stories of how they were treated in the hospital. Most women only get a small amount of time with a social worker whom is run off their feet with so many other patients when they lose their baby. I know they would love to be able to offer a higher level of care but there just isn’t the hours in the day. I would love this book I am co-creating to help create more peace for women that are in this scenario. I would love it to be available to all women that are going through the heartbreak of losing their child.

Please keep guiding me in the right direction Hamish. 

Day 90

It has hard to put into words what today has meant to me. It has been three months since my little angel left this earth. I find it hard to comprehend that I have been on this journey for 90 days. Many things have changed in my life. One thing in particular is who I have been spending time with. Our new angel parent friends we have met have been so comforting and loving to us. We celebrated two of their birthdays today. It has been six months since they lost their precious daughter and to see them both laughing and smiling today was so uplifting. Out of this experience we have noticed we are living richer lives, more grateful lives and above all more connected. We have deep soulful conversations daily with strangers on death, love and loss. We ponder life with new friends and talk about things you wouldn’t even think about on a daily basis.

I had a very precious moment this afternoon. It is hard to put into words. It involved me saying goodbye to another little boy. He had left this earth too soon and his soul was ready to be one with the earth again. I was lucky to be able to be a part of his send off. On behalf of that other mother I felt immense gratitude and love. This little boy was sent off into the sunset. The water lapped up the rocks as his ashes feel in and floated away. Two ducks were swimming around me until all the ashes had touched the water. A third duck then swooped down. He wanted to show us his presence. Another little soul at peace. Another friend for Hamish up there. I know he is surrounded by love. I know I am surrounded by love. That is what keeps me going each day.

My love is infinite for you Hamish. Happy three months little one. 

Day 89

Today I woke up with a small hangover. A few red wines after dinner. Probably the first time I have felt like this in a while. I had some interesting conversations last night with two of my soul sisters. One of them told me she felt very sad on the day of my baby shower. She woke up feeling sad and couldn’t shake it off. She also kept trying to feel some kicks from Hamish that day. He wasn’t kicking much that day which in hindsight could have been a sign. He still kicked every so often but what I know now is babies have sleep cycles of ninety minutes. So you should feel at least ten movements every two hours at least.

I do believe my bestie felt this sadness as she may of had a hunch about Hamish’s fate. What is even weirder is my closest angel mum friend (who I only met after Hamish) was at the table next to us at the restaurant where we had my baby shower. She was there for a friends 30th. We have a mutual friend who spoke with her at my baby shower. My friend thought this must of been why she had felt sad. As she was going to see someone who had only recently lost her little girl less than two months earlier. They didn’t mention it to me as they didn’t want to scare me or make me feel sad at my baby shower.

I have another soul sister who never even touched my belly. She said she never felt right about my pregnancy. It is weird looking back now and thinking about whether Hamish was always going to leave too soon. It doesn’t make me feel any better or give me more peace. I do however trust that the path he was on couldn’t be changed. I had every baby book under the sun thanks to my lovely sister in law. I read loads of blogs about pregnancy. I was in touch with Hamish each day as he grew bigger. I was having weekly checkups after 36 weeks. I would write in my journal each morning and I felt so connected to him. I wasn’t too busy to not notice any changes. I did however as a first time mum feel like it would be silly if I turned up at hospital for a false alarm. I didn’t want to feel like a worrier when every appointment the doctor said he was fine. I would say to all mums now first or second time don’t worry what other people think. If you feel sick, or something isn’t right or the movements have increased or decreased go get checked out.

Hamish I wish you didn’t have to leave so soon.  

Day 88

Christmas. I always love this time of year. Slowing down the pace of life. Spending more time with my family and friends. Getting out in the sunshine. Going for lots of ocean swims. Last year I even learned to surf. This is also the time of year that we conceived our little boy. I don’t want this time of year to be miserable for us. It is just hard as it is the first Christmas without our little boy. I walked passed Santa in the shops the other day and I just thought of how it would be to line up and get my family Santa photo for the first time. Then I thought screw it I might go into the shops one day when it’s quiet and get a Santa photo with me holding a photo of Hamish. I know it might sound weird but I just feel so crappy that he doesn’t get to have a Santa photo.

I haven’t decided if I will go through with it and get the photo. I feel like I am missing out on the life I thought I was going to have. Missing out on seeing Hamish grow up. See him crawl then walk, talk and cry, scream and shout. Feel his cuddles and see him smile. I know he is smiling down on me now though. I know he would be proud of his mum and everything she is doing. I trust that he is happy. I trust that his Christmas in another place will be peaceful. I trust that our family of three will one day be a family of four maybe even five or six! I guess I have to leave it up to the universe to decide. All I want from Santa is to know my little angel is happy wherever he is right now.

Love you Hamish.