10 months without you today
I miss you so much
I wish I could give you a kiss and cuddle today
Instead I look into the ocean and send you my love
I hope it is felt across this earthly plain
In to that place that you live
I know you are still near
I know you are watching over us and keeping us safe
I feel your love each day
I will continue to for the rest of my life
I go to sleep thinking of you. In my dreams I am going on a big holiday. I wonder whether it is to meet you. I am running late for the airport and I miss my plane. The feeling of missing something is very strong and disappointing I feel helpless like I can’t change what has happened. I feel like I am at a big stop sign and there is no going through it. I feel like I am lost. The last few months I have been dreaming each night. I remember some vividly. One in particular you were in my womb, kicking away, I could see you. I wish I could have cherished those moments more. I know I did all I could during our time together to be present. Sometimes I wonder if I could have connected with you more. I miss you everyday. I find it hard now to remember what life was like before you came along. I have changed so much. I have come back to my truth.
Sundays always remind me of Hamish. I woke up this morning and went to the markets to get our fresh produce for the week. I love lazy Sundays where there is no place to be or go. I ate a nourishing brunch of delicious grilled broccolini and corn fritters. We then headed home to relax. I am tired after a rather late night. I have an afternoon nap and remind myself, that it’s ok to keep taking things slowly. The pace of my life has changed dramatically. This time last year I was working around a ten hour day and then spending every waking hour on the weekends ‘doing something’. I like how our life is a little slower now. I like that I have time to breathe more. I love how I can eat slowly. I have the concentration to finish a book, to watch a movie. I am not in a rush to get somewhere or see someone. I am going to do my best to keep this pace of living. What I think it truly comes down to is protecting my time and energy. Valuing it more and knowing I don’t have to be everything to everyone. That is one of the biggest lessons I learnt from Hamish. It is ok to take time out to fill up my cup first. It is ok to put my self care first. I am a better mother, wife and friend when I do this.
I love you my boy.
I had a friends 50th birthday tonight. I had a good time celebrating and keeping warm. I think I might of eaten half my body weight in cheese. At the party I connected with an amazing mother who inspires me so much. She also has a baby that was born a week after Hamish. This precious little guy was given into her care for her to foster. It wasn’t planned but due to family circumstances she became mother to this special boy not long after he was born. She has children that are now heading into their teens and wasn’t expecting this. So there I was speaking with someone who became a mother unexpectedly the same week I became one too and lost my little guy. There were tears as I looked at her and told her my story. I was in awe of her courage and love that she gave her little one. You never know what could happen and how your life can be turned upside down in an instant. It is how you cope with that change or event that defines you.
Hamish I love you so much
I walked almost 20 kilometres today with one of my soul sisters along the coast from Coogee to Bondi and back again. Walking on the sand at the end and feeling the icy water on my feet was a highlight. I haven’t walked that far in one day in a long time. I feel like I am slowly getting my energy back. Today showed me that I actually feel more energised when I get out there and do more. I felt that Hamish was close by today. Whenever I am close to the ocean I can feel his presence. The calming, blue and turquoise waters, waves crashing close to the shore. I can’t wait until the weather is warmer and I can get back into the ocean. I spent half my pregnancy swimming in the ocean. Hamish loved it. I could tell there was an extra sense of calm when it was just us two, floating on top of the water. I could sense his personality shining through the womb. I am so grateful I was open to the messages I received while I was pregnant. I felt Hamish was caring, compassionate and very loving. He encouraged me to do so many things while I was pregnant. I had a diary I would write in each day and when I go back now and read through it. I had so much trust in him and I believe that wherever he is right now is where he is supposed to be.
Hamish you are so loved.
Lately I have been feeling like time is going very slowly. I guess it is because I am living at a slower pace now. I have time to soak up the magnificence in each day. I have time to consciously choose how I spend my time. This time has given me so much freedom. I almost feel sometimes like it is too much. I know each day what I want to get done for my business and the eBook. I don’t feel the urgency though that I used to in my corporate life. I feel like sometimes I need a little more motivation or direction. It may just be because it is winter. I don’t feel as full of energy that I normally do. I try to tune in and ask my heart what it wants to do next. I think it is as confused as my head is. I do feel like I am coming out of the fog now. The darkness that encased me after Hamish left. I feel like I am ready for some new challenges. I want to start doing more. The grief that stays with me doesn’t feel as heavy anymore. The tears are less frequent now. The pain isn’t as bad. While time does start to heal, I believe it is also such a process when you go through loss. You have to feel each emotion flow through your body. You have to allow whatever needs to come up, to come up. I feel like I have done the best I could have with my grief. I didn’t push it down and hide it. I lived it each day.
I love you my boy. I think about you each day and I know you are supporting me from above.
I am buggered today. I am doing my best to eat the right foods and look after myself but I am still so tired. I went for a walk in the morning and had breakfast with a soul sister and her daughter. We sat and basked in the sun talking about birth, death and that thing in-between called life. That thing that we are all trying to perfect each day. We are all showing up not wanting to waste a moment. Our conversation left me feeling uplifted. I know no matter what happens to anyone, we all have this crazy amount of inner strength, that helps us get through life. My friend lost her husband recently to brain cancer. He was 34. So much life left to live, gone too soon. I didn’t know how she would be now, as it’s only been a matter of months, she is doing really well. I am in awe of her strength as a wife and mother. We will never know why some people get a free pass to 95 years of age and some lives are cut much shorter, some are still born. For those who are stillborn, the only thing they know is their mothers womb and the love that surrounds it. No matter how long or short our lives are the way I see it is we are all here for a reason. We have a soul contract to fulfil in this lifetime. There have been times where I have said enough is enough. Now I know that what ever comes my way is just another stepping stone for my soul to move along it’s path.
I love you Hamish